Share Your Funniest Patient Stories... - page 61

We all have lots of stories to tell. I thought it would be fun if we shared a few of our funniest patient stories with each other. :lol2: Here's mine... I keep remembering a particular... Read More

  1. by   murphyle
    During my L&D rotation, we had a G1P0 come to the unit with a three-page, single-spaced document detailing, down to the minute, her instructions to the staff for her natural birth plan. The staff all started laughing as soon as she got through triage, telling us that any time you see a mom with one of these, you can rest assured it'll be going out the window in 30 minutes or less. As the CNM I was assigned to told me, "From the instant they're conceived, kids spend their entire lives either ignoring or actively subverting everything you plan for them. Birth is no exception." :icon_roll

    This particular plan was also unusual for its degree of, let's say, alternative birthing practices, and all the more so since this was a hospital mother-baby unit, not a birthing center. In her plan, Mom detailed out her entire "Hypno-Birth Experience," including: she was only to have her support person in the room; she wanted no students of any kind, no visits from the OB unless she requested it, and one RN only who was to check on her not more than once per hour. She wanted no IV access of any kind, not even a saline lock. She was to have no pain medication at all; instead her OB would hypnotize her to "harness the powers." She wanted no lights in the room except for one darkroom lamp. During those once-per-hour or less visits, her RNs were not to ask about her pain level, nor about the strength or frequency of her contractions; instead, they were to say "How powerful are your surges?" Nobody was to conduct any fetal monitoring or sterile vaginal exam unless she specifically asked for it. Finally, in case of stalled labor, she was not to be given Pitocin; instead her OB would use a transcutaneous nerve stimulator to "open her to the natural forces."

    The staff RNs were about a half-hour off. Within an hour of arriving on the unit, Hypno-Mom was yelling for an epidural; when her RN asked her how powerful her surges were, she screamed "To (bleep) with my (bleep) surges, I want some (bleep) DRUGS!!!" The poor OB who tried to talk her into staying the course with her "natural experience" barely escaped with his life. Oh, and that no-students prohibition? Her support person got sick and bailed on her at the six-hour mark; from that point forward, she was supported by the SN assigned to her RN.

    Most of us in that rotation went on to places other than L&D, but to this day, you can ask any of us about "Mrs. Hypno-Dural" and get a big grin...
  2. by   FranEMTnurse
    I saw that response coming long before I read about the way she did.
  3. by   iNurseUK
    We once had a lovely old lady in her 90's who had come in as a daycase for excision of a BCC on her forearm. Back in the day she had been a showgirl.

    As her slot was coming up I drew the curtains around her bed and asked her to change into the surgical gown (the op was only under local) About 10 minutes later along comes the porter ready to take her to theatre. So standing outside her curtains I politely asked if she was ready

    "Give me another five minutes dear" she replied. We waited patiently. Another 10 minutes passed so I repeated my question

    "My dear a lady takes time" she replied. By now theatres were getting antsy and phoned the ward demanding to know where the patient was.

    After another 5 minutes she emerged resplendent in blonde wig, false eyelashes, full makeup and freshly-varnished nails with half a ton of jewellery besides. I could not help but smile when she said

    "Well my dear it might be my LAST apperance in a theatre"
  4. by   carolCCRN
    OMG I must share this. This AM a pt on out unit died (elderly, metastatic CA) and it took awhile for the family to get here so 2hrs later they were still at the bedside. The attending MD's office was notified of the death @0915 but no one had spoken to him directly and at 1030 Dr Attending came up to the unit and slipped into the pt's room before anyone realized it. He proceeded to perform an ASSESSMENT (stethoscope to the chest and all) and update the family on pt status and PLAN OF CARE. That's when the pt's sister leaned in and said "She's dead."
  5. by   DF-LPN
    6AM, a res asked one of my CNA's if she could get him in the shower because he had a Dr's appt @ 9am. He is a SBA with min assist to wash backside so my girl said yes. While res was undressing, CNA's said "Ok, whats the #1 rule?" In this small, all tile room where sound echos, res states in a very loud voice " DO NOT UNDER ANY CERCUMSTANCE, STAND UP OR ALLOW ANY AIR BETWEEN MY ASS AND THE SEAT BENEATH ME! COME RAIN, SNOW, SLEET, HELL OR HIGH WATER!" CNA came running out laughing saying " I think I just peed myself" I'm laughing because as soon as he started yelling I got this immediate pic in my head of him standing at attention, naked in the shower!!!!
  6. by   vickywearsorange
    I'm a cronic patient, always in the hopital, and boy can I tell you some funny stories, my favorite one happened about a year ago when I was in the hospital and I recieved a new room-mate who was great the first night because she was knocked out, but the next night she was pushing that call button all evening then up intill 3am thats when I got tired of her claiming the nurse was taking her drugs and she wanted more, the nurse was so calm and patient, me not so much, I finally got tired of it said excuse me to the nurse and told her to shut up that I saw the nurse give her the shot and I did not work in the hospital so I would have no problem smothering her with her pillow if she woke me up again and I was going for a brief walk and she better be asleep and quiet when I got back... which she was I didn't hear from her again until about 8am when I was packing to go home and as we were standing there she asked the nurse who was assigned to her if she could have some privacy because she had a client she needed to be alone with in bed the nurse and I just looked shocked because we couldn't believe what said but the she said as she put on make-up if she looked like she had hepitius because she didn't want him to know. bless that nurse who calmly said without craking a smile no she couldn't conduct her "business" while in the hospital and quickly exited, I'm sure before she lost it. I said to her hepititus is contagous isn't it? She said not to her because she alreadt had it. I was never so much in a hurry to leave a hospital before.More of my funny hospital stories are at vickywearsorange@WordPress.com
  7. by   FranEMTnurse
    Quote from vickywearsorange
    I'm a cronic patient, always in the hopital, and boy can I tell you some funny stories, my favorite one happened about a year ago when I was in the hospital and I recieved a new room-mate who was great the first night because she was knocked out, but the next night she was pushing that call button all evening then up intill 3am thats when I got tired of her claiming the nurse was taking her drugs and she wanted more, the nurse was so calm and patient, me not so much, I finally got tired of it said excuse me to the nurse and told her to shut up that I saw the nurse give her the shot and I did not work in the hospital so I would have no problem smothering her with her pillow if she woke me up again and I was going for a brief walk and she better be asleep and quiet when I got back... which she was I didn't hear from her again until about 8am when I was packing to go home and as we were standing there she asked the nurse who was assigned to her if she could have some privacy because she had a client she needed to be alone with in bed the nurse and I just looked shocked because we couldn't believe what said but the she said as she put on make-up if she looked like she had hepitius because she didn't want him to know. bless that nurse who calmly said without craking a smile no she couldn't conduct her "business" while in the hospital and quickly exited, I'm sure before she lost it. I said to her hepititus is contagous isn't it? She said not to her because she alreadt had it. I was never so much in a hurry to leave a hospital before.More of my funny hospital stories are at vickywearsorange@WordPress.com
    Vicky,
    I'm unable to log onto your link with my computer. Is there another way I can get any of your stories? I'd like to send you some of mine also because like you, I have been a frequent flyer as an inpatient and have a couple hilarious ones.
  8. by   OB Nurse Andrea
    Quote from Franemtnurse
    Vicky,
    I'm unable to log onto your link with my computer. Is there another way I can get any of your stories? I'd like to send you some of mine also because like you, I have been a frequent flyer as an inpatient and have a couple hilarious ones.

    She wrote it with an @ symbol...which would indicate an email address, not a webpage. So I did vickywearsorange.wordpress.com and seem to have arrived at the proper place.
  9. by   FranEMTnurse
    I tried the @ link and could not get in to it.
  10. by   kbnocturna
    There was the guy in DT's who took out his IV and was trying to plug it Into the phone to hook up his cable TV.

    My 90 lb. soaking wet dementia patient tried beat me up (she was really strong - grew up on a farm) because I told her there were no goats in her room. After that, I made sure to feed them every time I came in....

    I was assisting a nurse with a fecal disimpaction on a confused guy, holding him still so that she could disimpact away: "Alright, that's enough hanky panky!!"

    I walked into my patient's room at 4am to get vitals, only to find some woman in his bed, foot hanging off the side, snoring away. The guy was such a gentleman he slept sitting up in the chair and gave his wife the bed.

    One man had an idiosyncratic reaction to something and got very confused. I found him in another patient's room pulling down his pants to use the "restroom" ie trash can. I convinced him that wasn't the real bathroom and I would show him where it was. We passed 3 trash cans on the way back to his room....he really had to go

    Hospital security showed up one day on the unit running for a room. Turns out someone's grandkid got bored and was playing with the phone, accidentally dialing the emergency line for workplace violence.

    Noncompliant diabetic called 911 and told them we were holding him against his will, because we wouldn't give him his will...because we wouldn't give him a cheeseburger and fries before his cardiac cath!

    One lady with dementia became so combative she had to be poseyed into a wheelchair, and stationed at the nurse's desk with a sitter (me!). She alarmed many passers-by asking for a knife, scissors, a gun, police, etc. I finally gave her a pair of hemostats and she happily hacked away at her posey, muttering about "these dang blunt scissors" and what would happen if she ever got free.

    And my absolute favorite: we had 2 patients in DT's at the same time, both slotted for semi-private rooms. Logically, we put them in the same room so other patients wouldn't have to have them as roommates. Both are confused, foul-mouthed, and in 4-point restraints. It was rather entertaining listening to them arguing with each other (I'd had one too many alcoholic patients at this point). Finally, after a while, bed B escapes his restraints, feels sorry for his roommate in bed A, & releases him from restraints. Guy A promptly has a massive BM in bed B. Bed B then escapes (until the police pick him up wandering down the road in his hospital gown).
    Last edit by kbnocturna on Apr 14, '10 : Reason: Grammar
  11. by   FranEMTnurse
    Quote from mousieroo
    Hospital security showed up one day on the unit running for a room. Turns out someone's grandkid got bored and was playing with the phone, accidentally dialing the emergency line for workplace violence.

    And my absolute favorite: we had 2 patients in DT's at the same time, both slotted for semi-private rooms. Logically, we put them in the same room so other patients wouldn't have to have them as roommates. Both are confused, foul-mouthed, and in 4-point restraints. It was rather entertaining listening to them arguing with each other (I'd had one too many alcoholic patients at this point). Finally, after a while, bed B escapes his restraints, feels sorry for his roommate in bed A, & releases him from restraints. Guy A promptly has a massive BM in bed B. Bed B then escapes (until the police pick him up wandering down the road in his hospital gown).
    This is one of the reasons why I love nursing so much. Where else could you have such experiences that make humorous fond memories?
  12. by   NancyPie
    Quote from MamaTheNurse
    baaahaaaahaaaaa - OMG, I would have died.................
    Do you think Jesus would have tried to revive you?
  13. by   lovemydeano
    A few years ago, I was working on a rehab floor and we ended up getting a quite elderly woman, I'll call her "Greta." One day the CNA who was assigned to her came out of her room with a look of horror on her face and said, "Mary, there's something wrong with Greta, there's a weird thing bulging between her legs, it looks like a......" I told her I would take a look at it, but knowing her history, I knew it was her prolapsed uterus. Being the jokester I am, I decided to take it to the max with the CNA. After looking at Greta, with the CNA in the room, I said "Oh, that's her uterus." The CNA was shocked and asked why it was on the outside of the body. I said, "Well, whenever you have a baby, eventually your uterus falls out. Everytime you cough, sneeze, pas gas, laugh, it will fall out." She asked me does this happen to all women (oh, how gullible!) Yes, I said, usually by about 40 or so, and if you can't afford the surgery to put it back in place, you have to wear special underwear to keep it in place. She said that must be very inconvenient. I said, think about what it's like to have sex!! I eventually told her I was joking, I really had her believing me for a few minutes.

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