Seasonal announcement!

  1. Letter From Santa
    I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no
    longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve.
    Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my
    contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves
    Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana,
    Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better
    contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep
    that in mind. I'm certain that your children will be in good hands
    with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin,
    Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He
    shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls;
    however, there are a few differences between us.

    Differences such as:

    1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from
    Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker
    that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

    2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children
    leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace.
    And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so
    please have an empty spit can handy.

    3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
    instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of
    my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's
    fireplace.

    4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..."
    when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on
    Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott
    and Gordon."

    5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are
    likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I heer'd dat!"

    6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does
    have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the
    words "Back off". The last I heard it also had other decorations
    on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights
    that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me
    (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.

    7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th
    Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your
    negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves
    Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds
    as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each
    other.

    8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure
    you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over
    to put presents under the tree.

    9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me
    like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa
    Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will
    be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song
    title will be Mark Chestnut's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"
    and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."

    Sincerely Yours,

    Santa Claus

    Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209
    •  
  2. 4 Comments

  3. by   l.rae
    YeeHaw!..glad i live in OHIO!...........
  4. by   spineCNOR
    HEY! I live in Alabama--so what does this mean for me??
  5. by   Anaclaire
    I suppose it means we here in Alabama need to run out and buy some RC colas, Moon Pies, and Pork Rinds for Bubba Claus. I'll have to find something for him to use as a spit can and check the TV listings for the new movies that will become a part of our new traditions around here.

    I sure will miss Santa Claus this year and hope his contract can be renegotiated before next Christmas rolls around!!!



    Anaclaire from Alabama
  6. by   emily_mom
    Whew, glad I live in Wisconsin! We leave beer for Santa...

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