New Medications For Women


    S t . M o m ' s W o r t

    Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
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    E m p t y N e s t r o g e n

    Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
    P e p t o b i m b o

    Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
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    D u m e r o l

    When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment
    of country western music.
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    F l i p i t o r

    Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
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    A n t i b o y o t i c s

    When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
    M e n i c i l l i n

    Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as,"You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"
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    B u y a g r a

    Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
    Extra Strength Buy-One-all

    When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
    J a c k A s s p i r i n

    Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
    A n t i - t a l k s i d e n t

    A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
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    S e x c e d r i n

    More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
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    R a g a m e t

    When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.