Murphy's nurses laws

• When you need the money, your shift is cancelled; when you have a weekend planned, you have to do overtime.
• Realizing the patient you've just injected has a serious infection causes you to stab yourself with the used needle.
• A 500 pound patient needs all care, while your 80 pound patient needs a finger dressing ... and your colleague has a "bad back."
• It's your first night shift for three years. And it's a full moon.
• You're doing the "Only 27 more minutes of the shift from hell happy-dance", only to turn around to see your supervisor standing there.
• In a critical situation, the most highly qualified clinician will offer the most advice and the least support.
• The absurdity of the suggestion is directly proportional to the distance from the bedside.
• As soon as you finish a thirty minute dressing the doctor will come in, and take a look at the wound.
• The disoriented patient always comes from a Nursing Home whose beautiful paperwork has no phone number on it.
• Your nose will itch the very moment your gloved hands get contaminated with bodily fluids.
• The patient who has been dying all night finally meets his maker 12.5 minutes before shift change.
• You walk out of a patient's room after you've asked them if they need anything: they will put the call bell on as you are about three quarters the way down the hall.
• The patient furthest away from the nurses' station rings the call bell more often than the patient nearest to the nurses' station.
• The doctor with the worst handwriting and most original use of the English Language will be responsible for your most critical patient.
• You always remember "just one more thing" you need after you've gowned, gloved, and masked and gone into that isolation room.
• The correct depth of compression in adult CPR is a bit less than the depth you just reached when you broke those ribs.
• When you cancel extra staff because it's so quiet, you are guaranteed a rash of admissions.
• If you wear a new white uniform, expect to be thrown up on.
  Corollary: Residents always poop on your brand new shoes.
• When management smiles at you, be very, very afraid ...
• Staffing will gladly send you three aides--but you have to float two of your RNs.
• As soon as you discontinue the IV line, more fluids will be ordered.
• Mandatory meetings are always scheduled after you've had the night from hell and just want to go home to bed.
• You always forget what it was you wanted after you get to the supply room. You always remember when you get back to the other end ...
• Doctors only ask your name when the patient isn't doing well.
• Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the boss is watching.
• As soon as you've ordered the pizzas, 25 patients show up at the ER registration desk along with three ambulances all with cardiac arrests!
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
• Ten seconds after you have finished giving a complete bed bath and changing the bed, the patient has a giant code brown.
• If a patient needs four pills, the packet will contain three.
• Your buddies who were reading the paper at the nurses' desk a minute ago always disappear when you need help ...
• Expect to get your pay raise the same day the hospital raises the parking rates (and other charges)
• The better job you do, the more work you can expect to be handed ...
• The amount of clean linen available is inversely proportional to your immediate needs.
• The more confused and impulsive a patient is, the less chance there is for a family member or friend to sit with the patient.
• The perfect nurse for the job will apply the day after that post is filled by some semi qualified idiot.
• If only one solution can be found for a problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
• When the nurse on the preceding shift has surrounded the patient with absorbent pads, the code brown will hit every sheet and miss every pad.
• Rest assured that when you are in a hurry, the nurse's notes have not been written.
• When you are starting an IV on an uncooperative patient, or dealing with a huge code brown, there is a phone call for you and it's that crabby physician that you have been paging all morning.
• Fire drills always occur on your day from hell
• The first person in line when the clinic opens will not require urgent care. The sickest person will arrive 5 minutes before closing: "I thought I'd feel better"