From the mouths of non-nurses

I was at work one night and a pt father called me and asked "is my daughter still on the breathalizer?" I had to stop myself from laughing and clarify that he ment ventilator. It was alot for me not to laugh.

Even for me when I am hearing a lot of these I am like WHAT WAS THAT PERSON THINKING!!! and I am not even a nurse. lol.

One of the nurses I work with had a parent call to check on her preemie. She wanted to know if her baby had had any more episodes of "apnacardia". We decided it was actually a pretty good shortened form of "apnea and bradycardia"!

My 74 year old father and his 49 year old wife had their first baby last year (yes, you read correctly). I was there for the C-section and sort of forced my dad to go in, too, as he stated, "Dad's aren't allowed in there! We sit in the waiting room!"

After the baby boy was delivered, they asked my dad to come over to the warmer to cut the umbilical cord and handed him a pair of scissors. My confused and overwhelmed father said, "I'm not cutting the skin part off, right? I thought the doctor is supposed to cut the foreskin, not the dad!?"

I know the nurse behind that mask was trying not to pee her pants as she calmly said, "This long thing is the umbilical cord. That little thing down there is his penis."

Caring for a newly diagnosed diabetic, approx 7yo, her blood sugars were 4.omMol/L (not sure what it would be in US, but this is borderline low for us) I rang Kitchen and asked for a plate of cheese and crackers, as the kid liked these, explaining that it was for a diabetic. The kitchen hand rang off, saying the food would be delivered ASAP. Two minutes later, the same kitchen hand rang back very distressed, because she couldn't fill the order. "We don't have diabetic cheese!!!" I somehow kept a straight face, and reassured her saying that normal cheese would be just fine. When I hung up the phone, I was laughing so hard that my colleagues of course wanted to know what was up. We had a fun few days talking about 'sugar-free diabetic cheese'.

In Ausralia I use several terms, depending on who I'm talking to. I try to shape my language to the understanding of the patient, becuase it makes them feel more comfortable, and avoids confusion. In the case of passing urine, I use the words "Have you had a: pee, ****, wee, emptied your bladder, passed water?" In the case of faecal waste, I use other base names, such as "Poo, dump, passed stools, bowel action, and, of course, ****." No, I'm not rude, and I abhor swearing, but sometimes the slang terms are the only ones that certain patients can relate to. When someone is unwell and in hospital, I refuse to make them uphold grammatical niceties and increase their stress levels.

There are some exceptions, tho. I do not tolerate being sworn at, and the 'f word' is NOT acceptable to me.

Years ago, when I was in nursing school, there was another student who spent several months getting "not so great" grades on her assessments. One day in A&P the instructor was teaching about eyes and we were discussing PEARL and neuro status. This particular student bursted out saying, "OMG, I thought PEARL was the name of a patient we were always talking about!" After that, her assessment grades improved.

So, I'll tell you this one...

My second job at a hospital was in the CVICU as a unit clerk. I learned all of my medical terminology on the job. On morning as I was reporting off to the oncoming clerks, I said "Well, Mr. G will be able to go home today as soon as he cardioverts himself." Needless to say, I was met with silence and then bursts of laughter. Of course what I meant to say was that the pt (a frequent flier with medication issues) could leave when his rhythm converts.

I can't tell you how long I would come in and people would pretend to put the paddles to their own chests and "convert" themselves ...just for me.

I do still have a good chuckle at myself for that one to this day.

I second to that! LOL! hehehe! Now, we call it PERRLA. Needless to say, some of my nursing classmates didn't know how to spell that one. Itr's funny really because I dont even think that they knew what PERRLA stood for " Pupils are Equal, Round, and Reactive to Light and Accommodation."

I hate it when people say, "O2 stats" instead of "sats."