From the mouths of non-nurses

Our unit secretary yesterday informed me that we were getting a patient from the ER who was complaining of 'COPD Exasperation' LOL.

I have also been one of the people who gets the pre-dinner 'please don't talk about your job' chat from my husband and members of my family!

I like it when people tell me their Dad is having trouble with his prostrate.

I was working w/ a tech. one day and she kept looking at the heart monitor screen w/ a frown on her face. finally she asked, "What is big eminy?"

"You're no nurse, you're the drug dealer!!!!!!"
"you're no nurse, you're a vampire!!"

Both told to me from our new admit. Because every time I see her I either giving her pills or taking her blood... And then she told this to her granddaughter.. Who now asks for "Vampy" when she comes to see her grandmother

Cute. My husband knows by now that, if he dares to c/o about abd pain, he had better be ready to tell me about any nausea, vomiting, diarrhea (including quantity, frequency, quality, color), gas, last BM, rectal bleeding, mucus in stool, heartburn, fever, etc., etc. I think he secretly likes having a nurse wife. But only secretly.

I cannot tell you how many patients have told me that they have "A-Trib" for A-Fib.

One gent insisted that he was going for a procedure that would "divert" him. I finally figured out that he was going for a cardioversion.

I get "Lasik" for "Lasix" a lot too.

A college friend who came to borrow books and wondered how your cervix could be fractured!!!!!

So I get this poor 91 YOM with bilat pneumonia and at the start of shift he's moaning and says he hurts some. Being NPO I give him a tylenol suppository and hope it does the trick. He didn't like the suppository.

Unfortunately after a few hours of yelling and multiple calls, bladder scan and order I get to place a foley. He's generally thrashing aound and I get the aide to help me position him and calm him down.

As I place the foley I just get it to where it begins to drain and all of a sudden he yells at the top of his lungs,

"Oh my god, I've done a lot of things in my life but now I'm a whore too!"

Well I hadn't inflated the balloon yet and between the aide trying to remain standing and me laughing it was all I could do to keep that foley placed and get it inflated.


Poor ol Mr. C.......but it was still funny.

I had this one LOM that kept telling me he took "a little white pill" that helped his breathing. It took a while but we finally figured out he meant Lasix.

Yep, My mom frequently complaints about patients who come in and tell you well, I take that blue pill for my heart, you know, that blue one..." Sorry, we dont know!!

I also love it when you ask someone (almost invariably a man) what pills he takes at home and he says, I dont know, ask my wife....well, sir, your wife is not here, that is why I am asking you, what are you going to do if she leaves you??...he replies, well, I guess Id just die!! People just frustate me to death!!