MD funnies

Doctors' Reports

Man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab." I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underware. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -- I was in the wrong one.

Dr. Mark MacDonald, San antonio, TX


At the begining of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an eldery and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be" remorsed the patient.

Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA


One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive cardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of "a massive internal fart."

Dr. Susan Steinburg, Manitoba, Canada


I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again a flawless read. "Now both," I requested There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked: he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA


During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which" I asked? "The patch." The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see...Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Dr. Rebecca St. Clair Norfolk, VA


I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how was your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labled "KY Jelly."

Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI


A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass" Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn"

and Finally...

A new young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener' "

Dr. wouldn't admit his name