How to irritate a nurse: Advice for Physicians, Patients and visitors.

  1. I received this today and thought you all might appreciate it.




    How to irritate a Nurse: Advice for Physicians, Patients and Visitors

    I've worked as a nurse for fifteen years, and know what it takes to get under a nurse's skin and irritate every single cell until it festers. Through assertiveness training and humor therapy, I've learned how to deal with these annoyances without getting sore. The advice in this article is offered constructively, without malice. Any changes produced as a result of this article would be a great step toward reforming health care.

    Advice for Physicians


    Insist that the nurse calls you, "Doctor Jones."
    Call the nurse, "the-nurse-on-south-hall."
    When ordering nurses to document a patient's fluid balance, be sure to write, "Accurate I & O." Otherwise, they might simply make up some numbers.
    Say, "I liked it better when nurses wore caps and all white uniforms."
    Then add, "And get a nurse into room 222 to wipe up the (execrating defecation) that's all over the floor. I just got some (feces) on my Gucci loafers."
    When a nurse suggests a lab test or a change in medications ask, "Where did you get your medical degree?"


    Advice for Patients


    Start name-dropping as soon as you arrive in the hospital. Identify yourself as, "a good friend of Mr. Smith, who, as you know, is on the board of directors of this hospital." This works even if you haven't seen Mr. Smith in twenty years.
    Wait until the nurse is completely finished with your admission paperwork before you request a room on a different floor.
    Preface every sentence with, "My son-in-law, the lawyer, said I . . . "
    Interpret a stethoscope placed on your chest as a signal to talk.
    Keep talking on the telephone while the nurse takes your vital signs.
    Wrap your dentures in tissues instead of using the denture cup provided.
    As soon as you see a nurse with a thermometer, stuff your mouth with chewy candy. If the nurse waits for you to swallow, use your fingernail to dig out the candy from between your teeth. Hot or cold drinks are also good delay tactics.
    Time your questions carefully. For example, while your nurse is emptying the bedpan that you just filled with a week's worth of feces, ask, "Do you like your job?"
    Collect your thick, wet sputum in one-ply tissues and amuse yourself by playing basketball with them and the trash can. Hint: Aim for the most distant can.
    Or don't use tissues. Instead, collect your sputum in an emesis basin and keep it next to your dinner tray.
    Control when you see the nurse. Instead of grouping requests, ask for something different every half hour. When you run out of things to request, you can ask, "What medication did I receive at 4 PM three days ago?" and, "What time will my doctor come in tomorrow?" Another good standby is, "The call light must have gone off by itself."
    Wear silky tiger underwear.
    Collect old newspapers in your room. If a nurse asks if they can be discarded, refuse. Arranged on every available surface, including tables, window sills and beds, or dropped carefully on the floor, old newspapers add an intellectual dimension to your hospital room.
    Tell your male nurse that you need a female to empty your bedpan.
    Pay tribute to your nurses by visiting them weeks after your discharge. Then, insist they search your old room for the underwear that you were wearing when you coded in the ER
    .

    Advice for Visitors


    Arrange for as many family members and friends as possible to stop by the nurses' station. Encourage each to ask the same questions. If the nurse suggests that you talk to another relative, vehemently protest, and say you don't get along with that side of the family.
    Throw a birthday party in the patient's room. Don't clean up. Several days later, as a sign of gratitude, give the nurse the last third of the fingered and coughed-on cake.
    Don't believe that the patient is really comfortable when he says he is. Instead, insist that the nurse gets another pillow and repositions the patient.
    Wander off from the patient you are visiting, go down the hall and look in on an unconscious patient you've never met. Admire all the equipment and ask the nurse how the patient is doing.
    Disregard all visiting hours. They don't apply to you. If you're asked to leave, say, "I'm from out of town." It doesn't matter if your town is only ten minutes away. If this doesn't work, tell the nurse, "The doctor gave us special permission to stay.
    Identify yourself as Dr. Smith, a close relative of the patient. Insist on a detailed report on the patient's status, including all lab results since admission, all medications, special procedures and the plan of care. Don't mention that you are the patient's fourth cousin twice removed and that your doctorate is in Sub-Saharan Archaeology.
    When visiting a patient, arrange for someone to call you with "something important. Because you don't know if you'll be in the patient's room, the day room or the coffee shop, have the caller leave a message at the nurses' station.
    Copyright 1995 by Jacqueline Gold.
    •  
  2. 13 Comments

  3. by   fergus51
    LOVE IT!!!!!!
  4. by   micro
    yes, and please it is very important that you find............. underwear and colgate toothpaste.............as this is very important........

    lindalee.......did you nail the fun and satisfaction/NOT of being a nurse.........hehehehehhehehehe
  5. by   Nittlebug
    Awesome! I'm printing this up for my coworkers to laugh at !
  6. by   VAC
    I Love it !!!!!

    It's getting posted at work this week!!!!!
  7. by   traumaRUs
    Toooo funny!!
  8. by   mother/babyRN
    And PLEASE, for ONCE, notice, if the nurse continues to participate in a conversation with you, but backs up slowly to the door, you should interpret as a sign to STOP TALKING AND GO TO SLEEP!
  9. by   micro
    lindalee,
    you better believe it......
    it is going to work with me tomorrow.........it is my ethical duty to cheer up my such cool teammembers that have been so cool to me.........
    what a kicker.....
    keep postin' lindalee
    (hey, your name is sooooo' way cool)
  10. by   bsnecu99
    Quote from lindalee
    I received this today and thought you all might appreciate it.




    How to irritate a Nurse: Advice for Physicians, Patients and Visitors

    I've worked as a nurse for fifteen years, and know what it takes to get under a nurse's skin and irritate every single cell until it festers. Through assertiveness training and humor therapy, I've learned how to deal with these annoyances without getting sore. The advice in this article is offered constructively, without malice. Any changes produced as a result of this article would be a great step toward reforming health care.

    Advice for Physicians


    Insist that the nurse calls you, "Doctor Jones."
    Call the nurse, "the-nurse-on-south-hall."
    When ordering nurses to document a patient's fluid balance, be sure to write, "Accurate I & O." Otherwise, they might simply make up some numbers.
    Say, "I liked it better when nurses wore caps and all white uniforms."
    Then add, "And get a nurse into room 222 to wipe up the (execrating defecation) that's all over the floor. I just got some (feces) on my Gucci loafers."
    When a nurse suggests a lab test or a change in medications ask, "Where did you get your medical degree?"


    Advice for Patients


    Start name-dropping as soon as you arrive in the hospital. Identify yourself as, "a good friend of Mr. Smith, who, as you know, is on the board of directors of this hospital." This works even if you haven't seen Mr. Smith in twenty years.
    Wait until the nurse is completely finished with your admission paperwork before you request a room on a different floor.
    Preface every sentence with, "My son-in-law, the lawyer, said I . . . "
    Interpret a stethoscope placed on your chest as a signal to talk.
    Keep talking on the telephone while the nurse takes your vital signs.
    Wrap your dentures in tissues instead of using the denture cup provided.
    As soon as you see a nurse with a thermometer, stuff your mouth with chewy candy. If the nurse waits for you to swallow, use your fingernail to dig out the candy from between your teeth. Hot or cold drinks are also good delay tactics.
    Time your questions carefully. For example, while your nurse is emptying the bedpan that you just filled with a week's worth of feces, ask, "Do you like your job?"
    Collect your thick, wet sputum in one-ply tissues and amuse yourself by playing basketball with them and the trash can. Hint: Aim for the most distant can.
    Or don't use tissues. Instead, collect your sputum in an emesis basin and keep it next to your dinner tray.
    Control when you see the nurse. Instead of grouping requests, ask for something different every half hour. When you run out of things to request, you can ask, "What medication did I receive at 4 PM three days ago?" and, "What time will my doctor come in tomorrow?" Another good standby is, "The call light must have gone off by itself."
    Wear silky tiger underwear.
    Collect old newspapers in your room. If a nurse asks if they can be discarded, refuse. Arranged on every available surface, including tables, window sills and beds, or dropped carefully on the floor, old newspapers add an intellectual dimension to your hospital room.
    Tell your male nurse that you need a female to empty your bedpan.
    Pay tribute to your nurses by visiting them weeks after your discharge. Then, insist they search your old room for the underwear that you were wearing when you coded in the ER
    .

    Advice for Visitors


    Arrange for as many family members and friends as possible to stop by the nurses' station. Encourage each to ask the same questions. If the nurse suggests that you talk to another relative, vehemently protest, and say you don't get along with that side of the family.
    Throw a birthday party in the patient's room. Don't clean up. Several days later, as a sign of gratitude, give the nurse the last third of the fingered and coughed-on cake.
    Don't believe that the patient is really comfortable when he says he is. Instead, insist that the nurse gets another pillow and repositions the patient.
    Wander off from the patient you are visiting, go down the hall and look in on an unconscious patient you've never met. Admire all the equipment and ask the nurse how the patient is doing.
    Disregard all visiting hours. They don't apply to you. If you're asked to leave, say, "I'm from out of town." It doesn't matter if your town is only ten minutes away. If this doesn't work, tell the nurse, "The doctor gave us special permission to stay.
    Identify yourself as Dr. Smith, a close relative of the patient. Insist on a detailed report on the patient's status, including all lab results since admission, all medications, special procedures and the plan of care. Don't mention that you are the patient's fourth cousin twice removed and that your doctorate is in Sub-Saharan Archaeology.
    When visiting a patient, arrange for someone to call you with "something important. Because you don't know if you'll be in the patient's room, the day room or the coffee shop, have the caller leave a message at the nurses' station.
    Copyright 1995 by Jacqueline Gold.
    Yep, you said it all except for the patient insisting they can't apply their own hemmorhoid cream!
  11. by   Hellllllo Nurse
    Lol!

    This is great! I'm printing it out, and sending it in emails, as well.
  12. by   Audreyfay
    These are true, sadly true. LOL with tears in my eyes.
  13. by   hipab4hands
    [QUOTE=Audreyfay]These are true, sadly true. LOL with tears in my eyes.

    And for those of us who work in outpatient settings:

    Make sure you call the medical office , while you are in the bathroom, either urinating, defecating, or passing gas--the sound effects will make your situation seem more urgent --and by all means flush the toilet, letting the nurses know you follow good hygiene.
  14. by   Angela Mac
    lol. love it...

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How to irritate a nurse: Advice for Physicians, Patients and visitors.