Hospital Cost Cutting Gone Awry
(The following "memo" was recently released
at our local Hospital)
MEMO TO: All Hospital Staff
FROM: Administration/Grounds Keeper
SUBJECT: New Cost Cutting Measures
Effective January 1, this hospital will no longer
provide security. Each charge nurse will be issued
a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition.
An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the pharmacy.
In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses
will rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds. A
bicycle and helmet will be provided for patrolling the
parking lots. Due to the similarity of monitoring equipment,
the ICU will now take over all security & surveillance
duties. The unit secretary will be responsible for watching
cardiac and security monitors as well as continuing previous
Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed
will need to let their families know to bring something, or may
make arrangements with Subway, Domino's, etc., at each meal
time. Coin operated telephones will be available in all patient
rooms for this purpose, as well as for other calls the patient
may wish to make.
Housekeeping and physical therapy are being combined. Mops
will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus
providing needed range-of-motion exercise, as well as a clean
environment. Also, ambulatory patients may sign up to clean
the rooms of all of the non-ambulatory patients to receive
special discounts on their final bill. Time cards will be provided.
As you can see on the "FROM" line above, Administration is
assuming grounds keeping duties. If an administrator cannot
be reached by calling his/her office, it is suggested that you
walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawn mower, weed
Engineering is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the
TIME-LIFE "How to..." series of maintenance books. These
books can be checked out from Administration. A toolbox
will now be standard equipment on all nursing units. We will
be receiving the series at a rate of one volume every other
month. We already have the volume on
Basic Wiring, but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try
to handle it as best as you can until the appropriate volume arrives.
Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accomplished by
performing all blood-related lab tests on patients who are already
Physicians will be informed that they may order no
more than two (2) X-rays per patient stay. This is due to the
turnaround time required by the local Drug Store's photo lab.
Two prints will be provided for the price of one, and physicians
are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday papers if
they want extra sets. We have been informed the Drug Store
has agreed to honor competitors' coupons for one-hour
processing in the emergency situations. If you come across any
coupons, please clip them and send them to the ER.
In light of the extremely hot summer temperatures, as well as
winter's often chilly nites, the electric company has been asked
to install individual meters in each patient room, office, etc., so
that the electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately
billed. Fans and/or portable electric heaters will be available for sale
or lease in the hospital gift shop.
In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for collection of
unwanted fruit, candy and flowers will soon be provided on each floor.
Families, patients, and the few remaining employees are encouraged to
contribute. The resulting moldy compost will be utilized by the
pharmacy for the production of antibiotics. These antibiotics will then
be available for purchase through the hospital pharmacy and will,
coincidentally, soon be the only antibiotics listed on all our HMOs'
We appreciate your co-operation in this matter. Be advised,
further measures may prove necessary if these minimum
cost-cutting efforts fail to reduce our operating costs sufficiently.
Please refer all questions to the Director of Human Resources. You
may locate the Director on parking lot A-D, where she is currently
installing the new parking meters
Mar 30, '03
That is great!!!! I printed it out and am taking it to work...