Hospital Cost Cutting Gone Awry

  1. Hospital Cost Cutting Gone Awry
    (The following "memo" was recently released
    at our local Hospital)


    MEMO TO: All Hospital Staff
    FROM: Administration/Grounds Keeper
    SUBJECT: New Cost Cutting Measures

    Effective January 1, this hospital will no longer
    provide security. Each charge nurse will be issued
    a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition.
    An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the pharmacy.

    In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses
    will rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds. A
    bicycle and helmet will be provided for patrolling the
    parking lots. Due to the similarity of monitoring equipment,
    the ICU will now take over all security & surveillance
    duties. The unit secretary will be responsible for watching
    cardiac and security monitors as well as continuing previous
    secretarial duties.

    Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed
    will need to let their families know to bring something, or may
    make arrangements with Subway, Domino's, etc., at each meal
    time. Coin operated telephones will be available in all patient
    rooms for this purpose, as well as for other calls the patient
    may wish to make.

    Housekeeping and physical therapy are being combined. Mops
    will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus
    providing needed range-of-motion exercise, as well as a clean
    environment. Also, ambulatory patients may sign up to clean
    the rooms of all of the non-ambulatory patients to receive
    special discounts on their final bill. Time cards will be provided.

    As you can see on the "FROM" line above, Administration is
    assuming grounds keeping duties. If an administrator cannot
    be reached by calling his/her office, it is suggested that you
    walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawn mower, weed
    whacker, etc.

    Engineering is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the
    TIME-LIFE "How to..." series of maintenance books. These
    books can be checked out from Administration. A toolbox
    will now be standard equipment on all nursing units. We will
    be receiving the series at a rate of one volume every other
    month. We already have the volume on

    Basic Wiring, but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try
    to handle it as best as you can until the appropriate volume arrives.

    Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accomplished by
    performing all blood-related lab tests on patients who are already
    bleeding.

    Physicians will be informed that they may order no
    more than two (2) X-rays per patient stay. This is due to the
    turnaround time required by the local Drug Store's photo lab.
    Two prints will be provided for the price of one, and physicians
    are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday papers if
    they want extra sets. We have been informed the Drug Store
    has agreed to honor competitors' coupons for one-hour
    processing in the emergency situations. If you come across any
    coupons, please clip them and send them to the ER.

    In light of the extremely hot summer temperatures, as well as
    winter's often chilly nites, the electric company has been asked
    to install individual meters in each patient room, office, etc., so
    that the electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately
    billed. Fans and/or portable electric heaters will be available for sale

    or lease in the hospital gift shop.

    In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for collection of
    unwanted fruit, candy and flowers will soon be provided on each floor.
    Families, patients, and the few remaining employees are encouraged to
    contribute. The resulting moldy compost will be utilized by the
    pharmacy for the production of antibiotics. These antibiotics will then
    be available for purchase through the hospital pharmacy and will,
    coincidentally, soon be the only antibiotics listed on all our HMOs'
    formulary.

    We appreciate your co-operation in this matter. Be advised,
    further measures may prove necessary if these minimum
    cost-cutting efforts fail to reduce our operating costs sufficiently.

    Please refer all questions to the Director of Human Resources. You
    may locate the Director on parking lot A-D, where she is currently
    installing the new parking meters
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  2. 2 Comments

  3. by   RNonsense
    That is great!!!! I printed it out and am taking it to work...
  4. by   emily_mom
    LMAO!!! Love it!

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