HMO's

Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase "HEY MOE." Its roots
go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who
discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his
foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.

Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I
want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer
will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These
doctors basically fall into two categories - those who are no longer
accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer
participating in the plan! But don't worry; the remaining doctor who is
still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a
half-day's drive away and has a diploma from a Third World Country.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. Can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name
brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomach ache.
What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eyes.

Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle
my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant
right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $15
co-payment, there's no harm in giving him a shot at it.

Q. Will health care be different in the next century?
A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then