Funny things you have said but wish you didn't

I had an 86 year old lady this weekend and we needed to do a second set of troponins on her. The lab tech came to draw her blood and she was refusing, so I went in there and she kept saying that "she knew how hospitals worked, and we were trying to get more money out of her." She was on medi-cal. I explained Medi-cal pays the bill and takes the money from my taxes and the lab techs taxes to pay for it. She was completely confused by that so then I said, "You know what hunny? I'll cover the bill, don't you worry about it." She then proceeded to let us draw her blood.

My charge was right outside the room and started cracking up.

A co-worker of mine had a pt that was in hsp due to hyperemesis...one day, the pt asked "how long do I have to wait til these neutrons (ketones) are out of my pee?"

My mom recently had back surgery and I found this site with the usual internet search. I'm not in the medical field but after reading this thread I just had to share one of my funny experiences as a patient.

I am a very healthy middle aged male and along with my wife and three kids we have been seeing a very professional female doctor for several years. The company I work for pays for my annual physical exam which is a great benefit. Part of my physical includes a skin exam because of all the SKs and moles pretty much all over. During one of these exams, the doc notices a mole very near my "manhood" and asks the nurse for the tape measure so that the size of the mole could be documented. So she extends the tape measure and reads out the diameter of about 1/2 cm.

I ask if it looks serious and she says "No, things this small almost never cause problems!" If she had just moved on with the exam everything would have been fine but instead she kinda scoots back away, turns beat red and says "uh, you know what I mean, the mole!"

Me, the doc and the nurse all had a good laugh.

Just like to say, keep up the great work gals and guys, in a very difficult profession.

Several of my co-workers were attempting to restrain a gentleman after he became confused and pulled out his IV and his foley. He fussed, yelled and swung at them a few times then yelled at his wife HELP HELP the Chubbie Wonders are after me!! From that moment on my charge nurse and the two other nurses in the room became the Chubbie Wonders. We are considering making them T-shirts for Christmas!!

I was doing an assessment on a pt who just came back to the floor after having a positive Dobutamine Stress Test. She was quite upset as she said the cardiologist stated that she had some STD's and was going to have to under go a heart cath the following day. Her husbands eyes about popped out of his head. While trying not to laugh I explained to her that during her test she had some ST depressions on her EKG not a sexually transmitted disease!!

One of our OB nurses was just talking about charting the wrong thing.

She said she charted, "Pt. sitting up in bed eating baby." Instead of "feeding" baby.

When i was younger maybe 15 or so i said one.

I have a family that i"ve never heard say a foul word ever! and i was trying to describe to my mother and grandmother about how something frightened me and i want to say shivers and jitters all at once....see where this is going?? i dont think i can write the real word lol

but i said real loudly....THAT GAVE ME THE SH*TTERS!!! my family all stared at me with there mouths wide open and i got a scared look in my eyes and said "sorry SORRY!!!! i meant to say shivers and jitters!!! then everyone started laughing so hard!

Nurse_Doom's story reminded me about a night shift when my colleagues and I returned an acutely confused elderly woman back to bed. She'd wandered into the corridor dripping blood from what used to be her IV site, naked but for a bra hanging around her neck.

She was not up for going to bed, and as the three of us plus a guy from the ward next door tried to usher her back, all the while avoidiung the still-dripping wrist, she screamed loudly for the police.

I, the inexperienced student, tried to reassure her - "It's okay, Mrs X, we're nurses."

"Nurses?" she responded, deftly kicking the poor good samaritan from 3B somewhere he preferred to keep private. "You're green &!#*$%$ from hell!"

Okay, it's no Chubby Wonders but we also thought about emblazoning it in a t-shirt!