Funny things you have said but wish you didn't

Sometimes I think we forget to mention the obvious to someone who hasn't worked in awhile.
After a nice, long, week and a half away from work, I returned and of course had new patients. One in paticular had a brass sense of humor. All I got in report was he was a mod assist. I had just taken him off of a bedpan, and warned him that the wipes were going to be cold.
He responded by telling me I could stick my thumb "somewhere" and he would be thrilled if he could feel it...
It took me a minute to realize he was a para. Thank goodness it was night---my face was glowing red in embarrassment.
I apologized quietly and went to the nurses station to read his chart....where I could still hear his laughter...I'm so grateful he had a sense of humor about it...I was MORTIFIED!

OMG! I've been sitting here laughing so hard my stomach hurts, with tears pouring down my face. My daughter has decided that I'm certifiably insane (possible...). Thanks, guys. Being so close to graduation and with all that's going on, this was just the cure for my stress level.

I still can't top my worst slip up, which was from before I started nursing school. I worked as a 911 calltaker and received a frantic call from a hysterical mother who's daughter had just attempted suicide. I calmly asked her "has your daughter ever committed suicide before?" At least it slowed her down a little so I could talk to her after that.

I was sitting in on a swallow evaluation for a developmentally delayed 2-year old. The resident performing the eval. was very nervous and was known to stumble over his words. He was using a bottle, applesauce, and some fruit puff cereal.

The patient's mother asked, "How will we know when Janie is ready to eat more fruit puffs?" The resident TRIED to say, "When she's old enough to use her fingers to get a fruit puff." Unfortunately, it came out, "When she's old enough to finger ****."

The patient's father was a very large violent-looking man. His face turned 3 shades of red and he began to twitch and shake. The resident started to stutter, "I-I-I'm so sorry!" Then, the father started convulsing with laughter. At this point I quietly excused myself and ran to the breakroom to spread the story.

I was talking to a doctor outside a dying patients room. I told him , "hey doc it looks like shes going to (and here I physcally took my finger and pointed it at my open mouth and rolled my eyes up in my head in the "shes going to croak and die any minute now) He's became so flushed and red, and asked me , "wwwwwhhhhhaaaat????" He thought I meant blow job. Goes to show ya not only what you say but your gestures matter too...

OMG... You probley wanted to disappear into the woodwork....LOL... This site is ssssoooooooooo FUNNY..keep them comming..

I had a patient came in for postpartum check-up. I was supposed to ask her if her breast is having a lot of milk already. but instead I asked her this way, " Do you already have a lot of breasts in your milk?" I was not aware of the question. I was wondering the patient was laughing so hard. It was her who told me about it. we both laughed a loud.

I did prenatal check on my patient. Before she went out from the cubicle I reminded her to drink a lot of water so she can pee regularly to avoid UTI. I was very serious about it. I was wondering why my patient had a confusing look. I asked her what is the matter? she told me " you just told me that I should drink a lot of pee so I can water regularly." that was an embarashment but I was somehow converted it to a funny one. My patient was laughing and I was sure inside in her mind, she was thinking her nurse is crazy. I sometimes say crazy things when I get tired.

When I was a new nurse I was taking care of a new total hip replacement. As you know, those patients are not allowed to cross their legs or internally rotate at the hip. Usually there is a surgical wedge between their knees to remind them. Well they must have been running short of wedges that day because they rolled up a bath blanket, put white stockinette around it and sealed the ends with knots. The patient also had thigh high TED hose on. I pulled the blankets back on this totally A&O woman in her 50's to check her pedal pulses and there was the make-shift wedge and it looked exactly like an amputated limb tucked up under her gown. I looked at her very confused and said, "oh, I didn't know you had had an amputation". The lady looked shocked for a second, looked down and started cracking up. I couldn't see her other leg because of the white TED hose in the white sheets. I was so mortified, but she thought it was hysterical and to my embarrassment, told every visitor, nurse and doctor who walked through her door all about it.

you know you are a nurse when you read the F/U post and don't get it at first because you actually read follow up....

The telephone thing: my dear mother, when she was a teenager, used to think it was funny to answer the phone, "Dr. Butcher's Abortion Clinic! You rape 'em, we scrape 'em!"
Yoinks!
Then one day her father called the house... and she answered the phone...
She was cured real quick!