Funny things that pts say - page 7

Sometimes sweet innocence can make your whole day...... I once had a pt who had really bad gas as I was helping her into the tub and she stated to me "no need to turn on the jets today honey,... Read More

  1. by   TLCinCICU
    I have a great aunt who had already experienced laryngeal cancer and lives with a tracheostomy. Surprisingly enough, she can speak at the level of a harsh whisper. Years afterward, she had a lump appear in a breast. On the morning of her surgery, her surgeon was discussing her options. "Mrs. C, if the report from pathology comes back as cancer, do you want us to go ahead and remove the breast?" Her reply, "Sure. I just have one question. Can you take the one that's left and shift it to the center so I won't be off balance?" You gotta love her sense of humor...:chuckle
  2. by   Jessiedog
    Quote from nursebabygirl 08
    oh boy!!!
    Yes,....I found the funniest thing about nursing children wasn't always the children, but the dumb questions the parents asked.
  3. by   NY Nurse
    I work in L&D and I had a 19 yo pt say the following when the doctor walked up to her bed to do a SVE (Sterile Vaginal Exam). She looked at me and asked "what is he going to do"? I said "he is going to examine you". She said "ooohhh, but his fingers are sooo big".

    I almost died! I had to turn away to laugh silently. I was thinking to myself "What was in there in the first place to get you pregnant?". hahahahahaha :chuckle
  4. by   psalm
    Quote from NY Nurse
    I work in L&D and I had a 19 yo pt say the following when the doctor walked up to her bed to do a SVE (Sterile Vaginal Exam). She looked at me and asked "what is he going to do"? I said "he is going to examine you". She said "ooohhh, but his fingers are sooo big".

    I almost died! I had to turn away to laugh silently. I was thinking to myself "What was in there in the first place to get you pregnant?". hahahahahaha :chuckle
    Not criticising this, as we all think of this when working OB...but when we are getting pregnant, unless it is a rape, we are usually ready, willing and able, and the body is also. My doctor's size 10 gloved fingers were examining at a time when I was NOT feeling any of the above. I usually said something like "He will be gentle, try to relax and take deep breaths.
  5. by   UM Review RN
    While completing admission paperwork on a new female geriatric patient:

    Me: So can you tell me what other problems you have, Mrs. B?

    Pt: Yes. I'm impotent.

    Me: (blank stare, thinking, definitely TMI there, but what do you expect, you're 80 years old, honey!) Oh?

    Pt: Oh no, wait, that's not it. I'm ... you know, where you can't get to the bathroom in time?

    Me: Incontinent?

    Pt: Yes, that's it!
  6. by   Lara911
    I work in a private surgical clinic...I had a patient in recovery room who asked me...i'm sorry, do I have a lot of pain?...
  7. by   Melinurse
    Had a patient in alcohol withdrawl who was really acting out and trying to escape. He had fractured his hip ( yep, he fell off the bar stool ) and had just come back from surgery earlier that day. Well, needless to say we put him in 4 point restraints. I was a tech at the time and was assigned to sit with him one on one. He looked over at me and says," I think I'm tied down, can you let me outta here? " ( I was one of the ones who restrained him ) A while later he yells out into the halls, " These girls have tied me up can someone help me. Wait a minute never mind." :chuckle [FONT=Impact]LMAO
  8. by   sicushells
    I had a thirsty post op heart surgery pt who couldn't wait for me to walk to the nutrition room to grab him a glass of water, so he saw his IV Fluid and multiple gtts (Levophed, Epinepherine, etc.) hanging from the IV poll next to his bed... attached to his neck btw. He grabbed the extra tubing and pulled it toward him like a fisher reeling in a big catch. I got to him in time to ask, "What are you doing?"
    "You took too long, so I'm going to get that water up there"
    :lol_hitti
    Ohhh no you're not. Seriously, what would happen if you drank Levo? Blehh
    He asked me later on, 12 hours after being extubated, if he still had "That breathing tube down my throat"
    "You're talking to me, right?"
    "Yeah, I just want to know if it's still in there" *Blank look and not understanding me at all*
    "No... the breathing tube is out. It's been out for about 12 hours"
    "Oh good" zzzz
  9. by   cali2007
    I work the night shift in a long term care center....the CNA asked her pt." Mrs. C. did you have a bm today?" Mrs. C. replied "yes I did". Then the CNA asked "was it small, medium or large?" Mrs. C. replied "well I don't know honey, I didn't measure it. It was about this big" (as she held up her hands to show how big it was). I just about lost it....it was so funny. :chuckle
  10. by   rannRN
    I was a volunteer nurse at a provincial hospital in a delivery and labor unit, One time, a patient came in the unit with contractions as frequent as 2 minutes. Before we could prep her for delivery, she suddenly said, "HEy, I can't deliver normally because I had a CA"
    Everyone looked at each other, thinking it was Cancer, so I asked again, what do you mean CA?
    She said, "The one where you get to deliver the baby through the stomach!"
    OOoowwwwww it was CS (cesarean section) phew!!
  11. by   growing777
    When I was a new nurse, I had to follow IV Therapy for a day or two as part of my orientation. We were in the ER to start an IV on a woman who'd used up all her veins self-medicating, and appeared to be heavily self-medicated that day. After showing us where the best place to find a decent vein would be, she screamed at us to "take out this ****** cathedral!" She had a foley in.:icon_roll
    Last edit by ElvishDNP on Nov 13, '08 : Reason: TOS
  12. by   rn500
    Man, mid-40's, ETOH detox in 4 point leather restraints. I come in to draw blood from his PICC line. He yells "Hey! Get me out of here! Get these things off of me! I can't even scratch my balls!" I can't help but laugh, and I reply "Yes that is a bummer." Then he looks at me and says "Can you help me out with that?"

    I declined.
  13. by   PANURSE4
    I needed a laugh.....these are funny.

    My grandfather was 84 years old the first time he ever set foot in a hospital for an overnight stay. He was a "young" 84 and when he was admitted to the hospital where I worked, I quickly went to be by his side.

    He had just settled into his room when "Tom" appeared and said, "Hello, MR.______, My name is Tom and I'm going to be your nurse today".

    My grandfather turned all red....and about fell off his chair and then said..... "My NURSE....You are my nurse? Boy times have changed....You're not going to crawl in bed with me are you?"

    I was so embarrassed but Tom thought it was funny.

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