Funny things that pts say

Well everyone, this is my first post here!

Two weeks ago I went to see my grandfather that has Alzheimer's Disease at the wonderful assisted facility he lives in. He is in Stage 7 of the disease. He walked up the hallway and promptly placed his had directly over my left breast. He didn't really "feel" it LOL, but just let it rest there. I was laughing and as he walked away from me the nurse asked him what he was doing? He quite loudly replied, "MILKING!"

I love the patients that ask for their "Latex" instead of lasix.

Dilauda for Dilaudid.

A few years ago I had an eldery female patient who when I was doing my initial assesment listening to her heart sounds Reached up and put her arm around my neck and pulled me down and kissed me on my cheek. An hour later just as I was entering the room she started yelling "he's going to rape me,he's going to rape me". All of my female colleagues loved it.

I was in FNP clinicals and had a patient who was a 60-something female. She'd never had a pelvic, though she'd been married and had a child. She agreed to have the pelvic and pap.

So, I'm doing her exam. First she told me "Oh, honey, I haven't used that thing except to p--- with in years!" Then a couple of minutes later she looks down at me and says "Honey, you can name it after you!"

I did manage to finish the exam.

LOL! That's a good one,.. Latex huh?

I was in the PACU the other day for clinicals and as this older man was waking up, he asked the nurse, "Will I still be able to play the piano??" The nurse replied, "Well, did you know how to play before?" He said, "NO!" hahah

i have heard many a man speak about his "prostrate".

Just tonight I had a pt ask for her "depository".

Last week a pt said to me: "I think I must be really sick, I heard the Dr. say I was a full code".

Last week at work we had a pt that smelt really bad. He was 50-yrs-old. I had asked him why he did not use the call button, when he needed help to the bathroom? He replied it takes to long and when I have to go it comes quick.
So later that day he had already had three showers, he called for a nurse. The RN that had him told me to come with her to his room. The RN knocked at the door, the pt yelled just a minute. The pt was naked, he ran in the shower. So we opened the door and the floor was covered in yellow thick stuff. The RN yelled what is it? The pt was saying UMM UMM UMM. The RN said is that pee? The pt said NO. I was trying to keep my giggle under control. The RN said well what is it? The pt said UMM UMM Okay, I messed up. He said it's crap! It's yellow crap, he yelled.
So as we were cleaning it up the RN about slipped in it. I told her later, she had a yellow stripe down her back. It was funny.
You have to laugh most of the time, other wise you want to cry, LOL.

I work in OR, Where very funny things come out post opOne patient was trying with all her might to get up out of bed, took 2 people to restrain her.. the reason? she was convinced she had to go out and buy some socks! IMEDIATLY!! Did not help when one of the surgeons came by and told her that the shop down the road had a sale on socks!!

I got my start as a CNA in geriatrics. Lotta old ladies might not know where they are or how they got there, but they recognize a handsome young man when they see one

Sat down next to this one sweet gal, and she turns to me and goes "Are you my son?" I say, no ma'am.

"Well, are you my grandson?"
"No, ma'am, I work here."
"Oh good, because you're awfully cute.." and then she wanted a kiss.

Ah, geriatrics, I miss 'em.