Funny things that pts say

I was working in the ER and had a guy in his late 60's who had dislocated his hip. We had medicated him with Valium and he was in less pain, but a little "tipsy." Before leaving the room, I attached the call bell to his rail and told him how to use it. Then I asked, "Do you know how to call me if you need me?" He gave me a drunk little smile and said, "Angel....!" I had to laugh a little at that one, but I did manage to remind him of my actual name and demonstrate the call bell to him again! How cute!

Had a 70 something female admitted to our LTC for therapy after hip replacement. During my admission assessment, she says " Honey, I haven't pooped in 5 days, I'm gonna bust". So after she swallows the dynomite, I tell her it will work fairly soon. She says " But how will I know when I have to poop?" I returned with, "Did you know 5 days ago?" Her family about died laughing.

Last night I was helping a resident into bed. A bed alarm went off across the hall ("Please don't get up. Sit back down and use the call light for assistance. beep beep beep...") and my resident said, "What was that?" I explained that it was a bed alarm, it lets staff know when someone who's not supposed to be up by themselves tries to get out of bed. From behind the curtain, the bed 2 resident said, "Is that who's always talking all night?" I had to bite my tongue to keep from laughing. Then when I was getting ready to leave the room, bed 2 lady said, "Tell her to shut up, she's really annoying!" Once I was out of the room, I laughed until my sides hurt.

Resident: That's quite a figure you have.
Me: Oh Thank you.
Resident: It's a lot of figure. Did you get that from drinking?
Me: No, I get it from donuts. LOL
Resident: Well, do you think maybe it's time you quit them?

God bless the Alzheimer unit!

Me: Ms. X, I need to put the lotion on your feet.

Resident: Why?


Me: To make your feet feel better.


Resident: You are a very weird little girl.

I love this! Some of mine::

A post benzo OD on a MS floor- he had given himself permament brain damage. At one point, he whispers to me "I work in food service, and I can tell you, your waitress' are horrible. You're OK, but I'm not leaving a tip for the others."

My first 'trauma' in the ER was a 6yo who amputated the very tip of a finger- it eventually healed well, but he got a bit of bone as well and was in horrible pain. His family were near hysterical, kid was w/ G-Pa to 'help' with the farm chores, snuck to the tractor and managed to dislodge something while G-Pa was trying to catch a toad to show to the kid. Gave G-Pa chest pains. (G-Pa ended up to be ok as well.) My first requests for pain control were met with resistance, as the Doc at that time absolutely hated giving kids pain meds. Having also worked Peds before, it drove me nuts. Situation continues to escalate- hysterical parents, kid in pain- they just fed off of each other. I kept at it, he rattled on about respiratoy depression, and I finally lost it and said "That's what narcan is for!" Kids BP was scarey at this point, and I was beginning to wish he'd get lucky, hyperventilate, and pass out. The Doc said fine- and wrote for Morphine 4mgIV- I think he expected me to be scared to give such a monumental dose. Too wrong! Anyhow, about a minute after I gave the morphine, this kid gets really quiet. I'm new to ER, and thinking- oh crap, I'll never live this down- when suddenly he gets the biggest grin on his face I ever saw. He said- "What was that??" I was so relieved I said the first thing that came to mind- "Magic medicine". Kid was high as a kite! He started to giggle, and said- "Uh-oh", and pointed to my arm, where I had written times because my notes were MIA- "You wrote all over your arm and your mommy is gonna be really mad at you!" I laughed so hard I thought I'd cry. All he did from that point on was chatter, chatter, chatter.

Another kid story- another tractor. A 13yo was mowing, somehow tilted off the tractor and was swiped by a blade. It looked really bad at first, because of all the blood, but it turns out he had a nice clean lac right beside the shin-bone. It was just deep enough to show the covering of his bone. He was very stoic, and after the numbing, he peeked even though we had warned him not to, saw his nice, clean lac and pretty shin bone, and became white as a ghost and laid back. Doc asked- you ok, son? Kid opened one eye, tried to grin, and said "Pain is fear leaving the body" and passed out. He recovered, and watched the rest of the procedure with renewed interest.

My next fav is little old ladies. I had one when I first started working as a nurse whose first job as a young girl was of questionable nature, in a "speak-easy bawdy-house" she told us w/ a wink. She apparently found better employment, and went on to move, marry, and become a valued member of a very proper church. She had early alzheimer's, and frustrated her family to no end by entertaining us by singing some of the more colorful songs she learned at her first job. They kept insisting she was just confused, wasn't it so sad what this disease did to people? One time, after they left, she looked me straight in the eye and said- "I regret raising such a prude. She (the daughter) needs to get l**d. A good man who knew what to do could straighten her out, put a grin on her face, and a spring in her step." Apparently, she told her daughter that very thing the next day.

I just had to move this one up front....I once had a pt that I was doing his admission assessment on and I came to the ?? "Have u ever had any surgeries before??? and he stated, with calm, straight face ( u could tell he didn't know that he was saying it wrong, but he stated "YEAH I HAD ONE OF THEM HIGH ASS HERNIA'S ONE TIME"

Re; Funny things pts say:
One night on our dementia unit, we had a a 94 year old pt. who ran to the exit door shaking it wildly. "My baby, my baby!" she shouted. We reassured her and took her back to bed. I said to the staff, 'I know what I could try; I'll get one of those baby dolls they use here. It works great for Mrs. J.' So I took a "baby" to the pt and presented it to her saying "Would this babyhelp?" The pt looked right at me and stated "My baby's alive. That's a doll you damn fool!"

Yep, happened to me the other day. Male dementia pt, waving his hand at me and yelling, " I got a fix that car, get me that tool, it's right there" so I walked to where he was pointing and picked up the pretend tool and as I pretended to hand it to him he says " You don't even have anything in your hand" and called me by a lovely new name.

And this: Bad COPD'er. ."you gotta give me that breathing treatment now honey , I gotta go out and smoke before it starts rainin "