Funny things that pts say

Confession time - I was one of those patients!

I'm 3 days post-partum and suddenly my new baby girl starts to hitch and make weird noises. Pressing on the nurses button, I'm calling out for help and crying and generally being useless and hysterical. My nurse flies in and looks at my baby where I'm gesturing wildly.

She looked at me as if I was a total moron and said "She has the hiccoughs".

I looked even more gormless and followed with, "Oh. Are they hurting her?"

She looked at me with a very old look and said "Well do they hurt you when you have them?"

I think one of the reasons I am becoming a nurse is because of that.

This is a bit of a rude one. A 21 year old chap on the ortho ward, who was residing in a six bed room asked me, straight faced and seriously, "do you think it'd be weird if I wanked off in here?" After the initial thought of "W...T....F...?" I said "Um, you could use the bathroom for that". To which he said "no way, those cubicals aren't completely concealed and the doors don't have locks on them!"

I was caring for a patient in ICU.He was awake and not ventilated but wasn't quite ready to go to the ward as he had been with us for weeks.
He had had a mesenteric embolus and had a partial colectomy and had a colostomy bag over one of his drain sites, because it was draining faecal fluid.
He was in a private room and his family were in visiting, so I was sitting outside the room.
Every 20mins or so I had to open the colostomy bag and let out gas as it was blowing up like a balloon.The smell was very unpleasant.
Anyway-the next time I went in, his family are laughing so hard that they are crying.When I asked what they were laughing at they told me that when I went out of the room last time the patient had said "She keeps comig in here, making thta awful smell, and then walking out and leaving us with the smell"!

Ltc and new elderly female with pelvic fracture. I'm doing my assessment and when I ask what she was doing when she broke her hip,she looks right at me,blushes a little and says'" well hon,all I can say is that at my age don't go on top!", a little lost for words I simply replied," ok,good to know"

So, I had a patient with a morphine PCA. he wasn't exactly the brightest bulb in the box. He would continually ask for boluses through the pca. except.... well he didn't call it a bolus it was a ....
Bogus
Bolo
Golo
Gogus
Mogus
molo
Solo
Sogus

I then, got tired of trying to figure out what he was asking for, and wrote BOLUS in thick black permanant marker lettering and taped it to his overside table so he would just have to look at it. (and yes he could read)


then then managed to come up with even more creative names for the bolus

"double shot"
"double pump"


I gave up at that point... lol.

"Does the fact that my [2-month-old] baby has 'failure to thrive' mean that he has given up the will to live?"

"**** off and come back in the fifties."

From an exceptionally demented LTC resident whom I adore and tosses between '**** off' and 'I love you' all the time!

I was one of the patients to screw up this past thursday. About a week before my eye doctor thought I might have had osteomyelitis so pulled me in fast to get checked out. When she determined it was not that she told me to go see my plastic surgeon because it is his teritory (I have had many reconstructive surgeries due to a non cancerous tumor). I am in his office this last thursday and tell him that she had thought I might have had osteomyopothy. He just looked at me..."ummm I think you mean osteomyelitis!"

This is a bit of a long story, but bear with me. I just recently finished nursing school, and during my psychiatric clinical experience at a nearby psychiatric hospital, my fellow students and I were participating in recreation time with the clients. As we were just finishing a game of cards, one of the clients (who was delusional, beleiving herself to be a doctor) starting asking each of the female students if they "had their EKG yet." You should know that I was the only MALE member of this group of nursing students...this is important, and you will see why momentarily. So, anyway, this patient continued down the line asking about EKGs, and I naturally prepared to be asked this question. But, when she got to me she arches both eyebrows and gives me this sidelong, suspicious look and says (with a totally straight face) "You're pregnant." She then proceeded to tell me that I should go and have my "pregancy test" as soon as possible. The funny part of this is that I do have a bit of a "spare tire". I didn't know what to say or how to respond (the rule being not to challenge delusional thoughts, so I just sat there with a priceless look on my face). Naturally, all the women in the group were heard suppressing snickers and guffaws (especially this one social work intern from a nearby university...she was red faced and snot-nosed trying to conceal laughter. I'm quite sure she ran back and told EVERYBODY at the university's social work program about it.) During post-conference, my instructor was informed about this and had to leave the room (we could hear her in the hallway laughing). For the next month or so, I put up with all manner of comments from my classmates about my "pregnancy" (e.g. was I planning on breast feeding, did I know who the father was, yada, yada). Ya just gotta love psych patients. I'm convinced that the client said it just to f**k with me (not that psych patients would ever do such a thing, right?)

Anyway, that's my funny story from nursing school.

I work in a LTC facility and we had just recieved a new admitt. In the middle of his body assessment he asked a cna and i if we gave blow j*bs, the cna replied they don't pay me enough honey...lol