Funny things that pts say

I had an 87 year old lady once, post-op, doing fine considering. She wasn't very talkative, kind of grumpy looking. But me being the person I am, that is a challenge to me. I'll pick and pick at someone until they talk to me about something.

So during her bath I chatted on and on about meaningless things, then started asking her questions. I asked if she had any children, and she replied "Two girls." Then out of the blue she says "You know, my husband didn't want any children."

I said well you must have changed his mind at some point. She looks right at me with a "Duh" look on her face and, straight-faced as can be says "No, I just told him, look, I'm having some kids, and you can be part of it or not." I busted out laughing!!

I later asked her about the work she had done in her life, and she said, "Oh, I did it all. I had a dress shop, I did secretary work, I flew a plane..." to which I asked "You flew a plane? As a pilot?" She said no, she had just learned to fly because she wanted to, but did I want to know why she stopped flying a plane? I said sure.

She said "I was flying my plane one day and I looked around and there was nothing but sky and I realized...I can't stop and get a coke...I can't wave to anybody...so that was the last time I flew a plane!"

For some reason I think this is the cutest 87 year old lady I have ever met!!

The other night I was taking care of a fresh c/section pt and everything I tried to toss into the trashcan missed. Even if I was standing right next to the darn thing! Bounced wrong, went short, whatever, and I always ended up picking up stuff off the floor after finishing whatever I was doing. Finally at 0400 after about 9 hours of this, the pt turns to me and says, "It's is a really good thing you did not go to Beijing this summer. You cannot play basketball!"

We were having a petting zoo come to the facility one day this summer. I went into a res room to give her her 6am med and she asked me if I could take her to the b/r so I did. On the way back I asked her if she wanted to stay up or go back to bed abd she said bed because it was going to be a busy day. She stated "I'm going down later to look at all the furry coochies that were coming in today." I couldn't help it, I just burst out laughing. I politely explained what a coochie was. To this day her and I still giggle about that whenever she tells that there is some event at the facility that she wants to see............ I love my res!!!!!!!

So it is 0530 am and I am getting blood sugars and passing morning meds. We have 2 pts in each room. So I get to the room and bed #1 has a very nice man who the CNA is getting dressed so I close the curtain and go to bed #2 with my accu check machine and his pills. He takes his pills ( he is very HOH ) and I ask loudly how he slept. Then I use the lancet on his finger and get the drop of blood. Well, when I look down I see I forgot the strip for the machine and I said in a low voice , " Oh , I forgot my strip. " Well, the HOH man suddenly perks up and Heard me say that and he says, " Holy ****!! My nurse is going to strip. Where the Hell are my glasses. " I heard my CNA and the patient burst into laughter. I was laughing too. As HOH as he is I am still amazed he heard me at all.

There is no man too deaf to hear the word "strip".

RE: selective hearing

lol....I had someone ask for DenLaudin! Is that Ben Laudins brother by chance?

I was taking care of a little boy with hypospadius following his repair. A couple of days after his catheter was removed, I asked his mama how he was doing. She smiled widely and proclaimed: "The pee-pee is coming from the end of his man-hole!"

I about died laughing.

I was working on the dementia unit one night/morning and it was about 5am. I went to take this ladies blood sugar; she was in her 80s, and she started calling me mama. She pleaded with me to tell the CNA who had come in the room before I did not to get her up. She said, "mama why did that ***** tell me I had to get up, mama can I stay in bed another hour?" I told her yes. "Mama well go tell that ***** to let me stay in bed another hour. Mama do you know how old I am?" I said no. "Well mama look at this", she raised her pajama top up and pointed at her breast and said, "I got titties, I must be a teenager."

Its not so much the sentiment that makes this funny as the scene in which it took place. I am a big guy, I'm 6'4" but I always wear Dansko's which makes me about 6'6" they need to stock tall scrubs and XXL gloves because of me. I'm not an easy person to loose in a crowd.

One night we had a (very) large woman come in complaining of abdominal pain and shortness of breath, she had just had gastric bypass. I came into the exam room with the attending, who is a very small man, and he passed me gloves, I saw he handed me Medium, I said to him they keep a box of XXL's in the cabinet for me, these are never gonna fit. To which the attending profoundly stated, "they stretch, size doesn't matter"

The PT, who has a very profound Jamaican accent, looks at the doc and says, "Baby ... Size matters! You can't churn butter with a toothpick"

...... I had to leave the room.