Funny things patients say ! - page 18

While working in the emergency room I was taking care of a 90 year old lady who came in by wheelchair from a local rest home. Her complaint was right leg swelling and we found an obvious deformity of... Read More

  1. by   yajaira21
    Quote from arianna727
    this isn't from a patient, but from her daughter. my patient was a morbidly obese woman in her 60's. she had a full on beard, just like a man.

    a little while after i arrived on the floor, a woman in her 40's comes walking down the hallway. she's clearly a drug addict (her jerking body movements, overall appearance). i see she has a full on beard as well and i think "oh god, this is her daughter!" she walks into my patient's room and goes, "hey sexy!!!!!" to her mother. lol

    she gets to talking and tells us last time she was in this hospital was when she was diagnosed hiv+. not shocking, considering her drug abuse. she says she likes "her man's" hospital much better. "he's been there for a year, on life-support." so we ask why, of course and get this response...in front of her mother. "well, it was my birthday, and my mans was pleasing me. and it was gooood. so after we finishing making love, i called mommy to tell her i got the golden one (an orgasm, i figured out). i was on the phone with mommy and i said mommy, i gotta call you back. he aint breathing. so i called 911 and they said he was dead for 45 mins. but they got him back and he's been on life support since. i almost killed my mans with that crazy sex. too much viagra too. his heart couldn't handle this!!"

    oh, i nearly bit off the side of my cheek to keep from laughing lol
    oh my god!!!!wow! thats all i can say is funny and sad
  2. by   DolceVita
    Patient detoxing from ETOH seems OK with no obvious hallucinations and denies them.

    Her IV pump starts beeping while I finish up the CIWA. She promptly picks up her room telephone and proceeds to have a conversation with no one on the other end. It was so comical. I feel guilty about laughing.
  3. by   CrazyGoonRN
    I work in LTC. One night I was trying to get one of our pleasantly confused residents to stay in bed. Out of nowhere she asks me, "Do you wear Kotex?" I paused for a moment and said, "I sure do." Then she says, "Well I don't think we should have to pay for them!" LOL! I agreed with her then she started talking about my husband and If he knew about it. Lol, I am not married. She is one of my favoites!! :-)
  4. by   teeniebert
    This weekend I was working the dementia unit in LTC. I was at the med cart when one of the residents pulled up in his wheelchair right behind me. I didn't think much of it, since the unit is full of people who walk or wheel up and down the halls all day, and usually they sit there for a minute then go around the cart. I went into a room to give an insulin shot, and when I came back out that resident had pulled up further so his knees were against the drawers of the cart. I said, "Mr. B., that's MY spot! I can't do my job if you're in my spot!" to which he replied, "But it's a really cute little spot!" then looked at my backside and grinned.
  5. by   yajaira21
    today my 98 yr old patient (home care have worked with her for over 6 years) who by the way is 100% alert and oriented she has NO mental problems at all ................I walk in her bedroom and say mrs H how are you feeling?.....she says " How am i feeling....HOW AM I FEELING ????........i'M FEELING SEXY IS HOW I'M FEELING" .............I could not stop laughing
  6. by   LaterAlligator
    Gotta love trying to explain foley catheters to people with dementia...

    I heard a man hollering in his room at the hospital I work at, so I go in there and he's trying to get out of bed. I ask him why, and he says because he has to pee. He's got a foley. I tell him he won't have to, there's a tube draining all his pee right now. He doesn't get it and tries to stand up again. I show him the tube, he still tries to stand up. I tell him I want him to get back in bed, he tells me if he does he'll pee in the bed. I tell him that's fine and I will clean it up. Finally I say "I put a funnel there for you to pee into and it will go in this bag" and hold up the collection bag.

    A look of recognition dawns on his face "OH! Is that a p*ss bag?!?"

    LOL yep.
  7. by   Hatchett
    I was very excited to find out I was getting a nursing student. It felt great to go from being a student to teaching one. I had met this gal before. She was one of the most sweet and kind beople I had ever met. The kind of nice that if you kicked her, she would apalogize for being in the way of your foot. When she told me who she chose as a patient, it took everything I had to keep a straight face. I got to know this patient when I was a student. I was able to distract my student with labs, and I ran to speak with my lady. (She hated being referred to as a patient, so I called her my lady.) I told her she was getting a student nurse and begged her to be nice. The evil grin appeared.

    My lady led a very rough lifestyle. She was a former prostitute and IV drug user. She had hep C, ESRD on dialysis, quick wit, and a dark sense of humor. She was one of my favorite people of all time. Once I told her I was a recovering alcoholic, there was an instant bond.

    I warned the student that my lady was "rough around the edges", but a great person to learn from. I stood outside of the room, and to my surprise, my lady was being nice, tolerating nursing student questions well. Then the student began "educating" my lady on her lifestyle. I thought , oh no, but she sat back and listened to how dangerous drugs and prostitution were. I froze, I didn't have time to intervine. She picked up her hairbrush and said, "Well, I guess everything comes at a price, I used to be the highest paid hooker out there." The trap was set. The student asked, "Why is that?" My lady replied, "Cuz I ain't got no teeth." Then bit down on her hairbrush handle. I stepped in and told my student I needed help with somehing. She gladly ran out.

    She freaked out! She probably thinks I was judging her. I told her that she was just messing with her. Two years ago I was the student "educating" her. Her response to me was, "OMG!! You're telling me that by hundreds of men sticking their ----- in my ---- I could get a disease? Wished I knew that before. I'm not as f-----g stupid as you look!"
  8. by   Vinniesguy
    88 year old lady on the unit is in retention. After numerous attempts the nursing staff can't get an IDC in. So we call the urology reg to come and do it. He can't either. He explains to the lady that there is a narrowing of her urethra and he is going to have to dilate it before he can get the catheter in. Lady looks at him straight faced and says "Are you telling me that at 88 years old something is still tight down there?"

    When I was a student it was only my third or fourth day on the ward - this old bloke says to me "They say nurses are either gay or easy - you look you're probably both!"
  9. by   loveprn
    pt. came in with seizures because she quit taking her "Peanutbutter Ball"....ummm, Phenobarbital?
  10. by   Punkrocksn
    First day at clinicals I had a partner. She was very shy and had a sweet voice, not wanting to raise her voice for an older pt. We were doing a head to toe, she asks to "peek in his mouth."
    This man yells at the top of his voice, "NO YOU CAN'T PEE IN MY MOUTH!!"
  11. by   ninja-nurse
    Quote from JenKatt
    This just happened to me tonite, I walk ino a room and introduce myself, Hi I'm Lt. ______, call me Jennifer, I'll be your nurse tonite..
    Instead of saying hello, she said Thank you

    I'm not sure what that's about
    I have that happen a lot. Unless she's confused, she probably meant "thank you for being here/taking care of me"
  12. by   Christy1019
    The other night I get this adorable 97y.o LOL from triage, who was brought in by family at 2a.m. for increasing nocturnal confusion & paranoia x 3months... (umm... can we say sun-downers? ) Pt is a&o x 3 on exam, very pleasant but repeatedly saying she's ready to go home now. Pt acknowledges that her family brought her to the ER "because I keep acting crazy, but hell, i'm almost 100y.o I think i'm entitled to act however I want!" haha Well we keep chatting as I'm starting her IV and apparently she found me rather amusing and was laughing at something I said, then looks me straight in the eye and says "Honey, now you keep on being the funny one, and I'll keep on being the skinny one and we should get along just fine!" Now I'm not going to claim to be a size 6 anytime soon, but what made her say that is anyone's guess. And she just so happened to have said it loud enough that the patients in all the surrounding rooms started laughing haha. I couldn't be mad at her though, she was too cute and didn't mean any harm, but definately kept me on my toes for the rest of that shift!
  13. by   RedhairedNurse2Be
    I was doing peri care one night with one of my favorite residents, an really nice nice elderly gentleman. While I was helping him get ready we were talking and he asked what my husband does for a living. I told him my husband is an independent filmaker/writer, but for the most part he shoots music and promotional videos for various bands and stuff like that. He replies,"he doesn't shoot porn does he,". We both we started laughing really hard, partly because I didn't even know porn was in this man's vocally because he was always such a gentleman.

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Funny things patients say !