Funny things patients say ! - page 17

While working in the emergency room I was taking care of a 90 year old lady who came in by wheelchair from a local rest home. Her complaint was right leg swelling and we found an obvious deformity of... Read More

  1. by   RaineyRN
    approx 30 min conversations w/ an Alzheimer's pt in a cardiac step down, who had just had a TURP...

    "I need to pee"
    "It's ok, sir, go ahead and go"
    "Go where?"
    "Pee"

    (Tries to get up)

    "No sir, you need to stay here. You just had a proceedure. You have a catheter in. You don't need to go to the potty."
    "But I need to go pee"
    "Go ahead and go"

    (Tries to get up)

    "Sir, you have a tube in your penis. You can just go pee lying down."
    "But I have to pee."
    "Yes sir. Go ahead and go pee. See this tube here ?(etc....)Go ahead and pee"
    (Tries to get up...)

    You get the point.... :-)

    actually took 30 minutes. sigh.
  2. by   SuperStarRN
    Quote from BostonTerrierLoverRN
    I walked up to get breath sounds on a sleeping elderly lady with dementia, thought I could get them w/o waking her. MISTAKE . . .
    (Already had done introduction, initial assessment, it was after a resp tx.)

    She grabbed my arm with a lock-tight grip, and the toothless darling went to town gumming my arm up and down like a corn-on-the- cob OR a frightened creature fighting for her life. It was my first week of Nursing on my own, years back.

    THAT WAS THE SINGLE MOST WIERDEST FEELING THAT STILL KEEPS ME UP AT NIGHT WITH GOOSEBUMPS!!!!

    I would have died right there on the spot from a heart attack! That is sSOooo funny!
  3. by   RunningRN87
    So I work on ortho, so pain medication is available in leaps and bounds, and we don't hold back usually, except in cases such as this:

    I had just started, taken report prior to starting my shift and received a pt with a TKR. She was...well flying high. She couldn't keep her eyes open but she had the PCA button in her hands with an iron grip. We got her into bed, and needless to say she's complaining of pain. After getting her settled, the nursing assistant tries feeding her jello. She couldn't remember it was in her mouth. The whole picture was hilarious. She was stable, but in joint replacements expectations are a painless fluffy cloud with beautiful servants at your beck and call wiping your tush with gold. So this was a nice reward. Anyhoo, I was giving her a reinfusion, and went to check her vitals, when she complained again stating "I WOULDN'T WISH THIS PAIN ON OSAMA BIN LADEN" and was fast asleep by the end of the sentence.

    ...When I flushed the finished reinfusion, she had the clamp in her hand, tubing twisted under her hand, as if it was the PCA button.

    Best. Shift. Ever.
  4. by   parumph
    Rehab floor. Pt in her chair, high as a weather balloon on several meds. She dozes off for minutes at a time randomly. I was walking past her in her wc the other night, her eyes closed but shes reaching down like shes getting something off the floor.

    me: What you reaching for?
    pt: Something that isn't there.
    me: So why are you reaching for nothing?
    pt: (points at head) Cause thats not there either.
    Last edit by parumph on Nov 3, '11
  5. by   furgie
    BTW: His drug screen only showed TLC... And, he wasn't driving, his brother had driven him...[/QUOTE]
    Haha..I'm sure this was his TLC
  6. by   Poi Dog
    Patient to nurse who was calling the doctor, "Are you looking for Dr. Whacky?"
  7. by   RNAngelus
    I had a 1 year old boy one night, having been admitted with fever. We take vitals every four hours and for some reason, he was up and wired at 4am. So I go to the room and start chatting with mom and then turn to start chatting with the boy, who was just as charming as they come. I had the handheld, big digital thermometer in my hand (was using it to count his respirations) and when I was done, I placed it on the crib, right next to him. I was writing the RR down when I look back and I see the boy pick up the thermometer; me and mom just watch and smile. He starts pressing buttons and then puts the thing to his ear, screen side up, and with a big smile says, "hello?"

    Me and mom lol'ed quite hard.
  8. by   Lynx25
    Highly confused dementa patient, grossly overweight.

    I walk in, and he's spread out all over the bed in all his naked glory... I asked him if perhaps he'd like some pants, and he said...

    "No, No, I'm a modern work of art... let's pillowfight!!"

    I died laughing- later he told me I didn't know what I was doing: I was full of orange flowers.
  9. by   Jenni811
    i was doing education on coumadin to a man a few years older than me. (im 23). he had valve replacement.
    You could tell he was of lower education, because he was watching the disney channel, and very child like shows. I could tell i really didn't have his attention with my teachings, but i tried doing the best i could and using every resource available to me to teach him.
    i was like
    Do you have any questions i can clarify for you?
    "yes. Did you know that there are 2 willie wonka and the chocolate factory movies?"

    DID YOU NOT GET ANYTHING I SAID ABOUT COUMADIN? yikes....i wonder how he is doing on this.
  10. by   Biffbradford
    Long termer post heart surgery dude:

    Him: "Scratch my balls".

    Me: "Um - NO. "

  11. by   roeth
    Quote from Jenni811
    i was doing education on coumadin to a man a few years older than me. (im 23). he had valve replacement.
    You could tell he was of lower education, because he was watching the disney channel, and very child like shows. I could tell i really didn't have his attention with my teachings, but i tried doing the best i could and using every resource available to me to teach him.
    i was like
    Do you have any questions i can clarify for you?
    "yes. Did you know that there are 2 willie wonka and the chocolate factory movies?"

    DID YOU NOT GET ANYTHING I SAID ABOUT COUMADIN? yikes....i wonder how he is doing on this.

    I'm wondering how watching the disney channel equals lower education? I mean, I suppose I can see your point in it being child-like, but people of all ages/backgrounds still watch the disney channel. I know a few friends who do and they're not "of lower education". Just curious.
  12. by   Arianna727
    An older, 70-something y/o gent was admitted onto the floor where I'm a student nurse.

    During my assessment, I ask, "Do you know why you're here?" He replies, "My daughter called 911 on me because she thought I was acting weird when we spoke on the phone. Of course I was acting weird! I drank half a bottle of rum!!!!"

    We begin to speak about where he lives, etc. He tells me the location, which I am familiar with. It's a bad part of town plagued by gangs, drugs, violence. It also has lots of steep, steep hills, which can feel like a 100% incline! He tells me, "Man, my neighborhood is so depressing!" So I ask why, thinking he would say because the neighborhood is so bad. Instead, he says, "Everywhere you go there is a f-ing hill! Everytime I see one of those hills I get depressed because my a$$ has to make it up there to get home!" LOL

    After cleaning this man up, changing his clothes, sheets, etc. he looked pristine! Off I go on my 1 hour lunch break, only to return to see this man sitting in his underwear with one sock on, beds a mess and he's eating his lunch. There is cole slaw EVERYWHERE...on his legs, his feet, chest, face and all over his bed. I asked, "What happened to you?!" His reply? "Oh, this cole slaw grew some legs and walked away! All over my bed, my legs. I left it in the bed incase I get hungry later. And on my legs. My legs are hungry! My bones need some food too!"

    He then states, "Man, I wish I could smoke. I wanna get outta here!" I say, "Mr. Patient, smoking cigarettes is no good for you anyway!" He replies, "Ma'am, I aint talking about cigarettes...I'm talking about the "five-fingered plant! (weed)" LOL I found this hysterical, considering his age, that he's smoking weed! I KNOW I shouldn't have replied with this, but I did (don't forget I'm a student, and I do make mistakes!) I say, "Ahh, a little bit of weed never killed anyone!" to which he replied, "Ma'am, I don't smoke a little bit of weed; I smoke A LOT of weed!!!" LMAO

    Needless to say, he gave me many laughs that day
  13. by   Arianna727
    This isn't from a patient, but from her daughter. My patient was a morbidly obese woman in her 60's. She had a full on beard, just like a man.

    A little while after I arrived on the floor, a woman in her 40's comes walking down the hallway. She's clearly a drug addict (her jerking body movements, overall appearance). I see she has a full on beard as well and I think "Oh god, this is her daughter!" She walks into my patient's room and goes, "HEY SEXY!!!!!" to her mother. LOL

    She gets to talking and tells us last time she was in this hospital was when she was diagnosed HIV+. Not shocking, considering her drug abuse. She says she likes "her man's" hospital much better. "He's been there for a year, on life-support." So we ask why, of course and get this response...in front of her MOTHER. "Well, it was my birthday, and my mans was pleasing me. And it was gooood. So after we finishing making love, I called mommy to tell her I got the golden one (an orgasm, I figured out). I was on the phone with mommy and I said Mommy, I gotta call you back. he aint breathing. So i called 911 and they said he was dead for 45 mins. but they got him back and he's been on life support since. I almost killed my mans with that crazy sex. Too much viagra too. His heart couldn't handle this!!"

    Oh, I nearly bit off the side of my cheek to keep from laughing LOL

close
Funny things patients say !