Funny things patients say ! - Page 17

Hey, Poi Dog, only my ” husband can call me that. j/k

That two-timing son of a monkey, I thought I was his ONLY wife.

And he calls ME a whore? See if I let him grab my ta- tas again!:

Me: Good morning, Mrs. Walter.

Pt: Good morning. How do you know my name?

Me: Well you kind of have a reputation around these parts.

Pt: Is it good or bad?

Me: Hmmm, I can't say but I am sure I can make something up.

Pt: Wow, I've never had a reputation before. I must be doing something right.

-true conversation I had with a patient this morning. The sound of her laughter was precious.

Background info.....LTC facility. Little skinny guy (85# soaking wet) w/dementia, foot scooting in w/c past nurses station (out in open in 'wagon wheel' floor plan)....wearing a pale blue hat with his name on it ....I'll call him Bubba...

I'm charting, and see the familiar blue hat with "Bubba" rolling by. He stops and looks up at me and says "I want a cigarette"... I'd never seen the guy smoke...so, I reply "Didn't you quit smoking many years ago?"....He looks up at me again, and says "Oh yeah" and goes on his way.....

Another lady- same facility. Wants to talk to her mother (who would have died sometime around the Ming Dynasty) on the phone. As a new nurse, I tried reality orientation (cruel and unusual punishment for someone who will never be oriented)....finally, I got frustrated, unplugged the phone, handed it to her, and she talked to her mom and went to bed. That became our nightly ritual

Back when sleeping meds were fairly routine, I was on the floor- night shift at a nice LTC. One little lady was up and around- which is not a problem, but she was getting so tired, it was making her agitated. I asked her if she'd like a little night cap (OJ with Halcion, or whatever the sleeper d'jour was back then)...she said that would be lovely. So, I crush the med into the 30cc med cup w/OJ, and had a second "chaser" if the first one tasted nasty. She slugged down the first one, and when I offered her the second, she was appalled-- "Honey, I can only have ONE"....

A patient said that he was going to sue the doctor for prescribing him an "illegal dose" of Tylenol.

Just yesterday, I admitted a feisty elderly woman in her 90's. Another nurse was helping me get her settled, and as we do so, we introduce ourselves.

Me: My name is ______ and I'll be your nurse for the next little while.
Patient: And who are you? *points to the other nurse*
Nurse 2: Oh, my name is ___________.
Me: *to the patient* And what shall we call you?
Patient: Pain in the Neck.
Me: Oh, that sounds a little long. Do you have a shorter name?
Patient: Pain in the Arse?
Me: *laughing* That's still too long!

A little later on, another nurse comes in to see if I need any more help. The patient asks her for her name and she introduces herself.

Nurse 3: And who might you be?
Patient: P.I.A.
Nurse 3: P.I.A.?
Patient: Pain in the Arse.

I only had her for an hour, as she was admitted an hour before shift change, but I loved her! She had so much spirit in her, especially for someone of her age.

Way back.......I was 5'9" and 125 lbs.......I strong-armed this LARGE old fella out of bed and into his chair, and he said, "Hmmmm! You're a RIGHT STOUT little girly, ain't ya?!!!" (Yep, I was!)

I asked my seventy something yr. old lady if there was anything else that she needed?
Pt. B: "Oh, honey. My husband died 5 years ago and I haven't had a man since. That's what I NEED!" LOL