Funny things patients say !

Nurses Humor

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While working in the emergency room I was taking care of a 90 year old lady who came in by wheelchair from a local rest home. Her complaint was right leg swelling and we found an obvious deformity of the femur but she denied any pain. An x-ray revealed a femur facture and the orthopedist was called. It was quite a long wait and I heard the patient call out "nurse come in here". I went to her and she asked me to get her up into her wheelchair, I explained to her that her leg was broken and she needed to stay in bed. She replied very seriously "only one of them is broken I can still scoot around in my chair now get me up out of this bed!"

Specializes in neuro med, telemetry, icu, pacu.

here are a few for yah....

eons ago, i had a dementia patient on a neuro floor..... as i did my rounds, checking each patient and room , i heard this constant HISSSSSIng sound...thought. " well that is odd"...and checked the flow of O2.... it was set correctly for that patient. decided the sound was just a bit odd for oxygen at 3 LPM..... flipped on the light and found my patient with cheeks stuffed like a chipmunks....??? the hissing sound was coming out of his MOUTH... and where was the oxygen tubing???? IN HIS MOUTH-- and he was chewing it... after i took about 3 -4 foot of tubing out of his mouth the patient looked at me and said " that was the toughest damned spaghetti i have ever eaten!":uhoh3:

when working in the ICU, i looked up from my charting to see 2 feet on the floor..... BAD JUJU!! i ran over to check out WHY and see what else was possibly on the floor..there sitting on the 3 legged stool the doc had left next to the bed in there after interviewing the patient---there sat the patient with stool plopping down the side-- looked at me in his drug stupor and said " yo,b _ itch, they aint no ho' ( hole) in this pot":eek:

when asking admission reason to new icu patient, i asked her if she could tell me why she was here ( checking orientation) and she said to me " well, i be falling out" and i asked her " did you fall out of your chair?" and she just kept repeating "no, no, i be falling out"....i told the doctor i was not sure of her mental status. the housekeeper over heard us speaking and said to us both " what she means is she faints/blacks out"......:lol2:

now every once in a while when a patient wakes from surgery, the look all googly eyed and say " oh, you are so beautiful!" and i shoot right back at them.." darling you just had the equivalent of a liter of everclear--you will get clearer vision in a bit"

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Specializes in neuro med, telemetry, icu, pacu.

and one more.....

a young lady had just had some surgery on her insides...

the doc said " demerol and dilaudid for her"

when the patient had sufficient presence of mind, she said " why did that man come over her and say damn-it-all and dildough about me?".........

after i recovered from a laughing fit, i spoke to the doc about possiblyt whispering his orders

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In the ED, I walked an elderly patient to the bathroom. It was occupied, and in the two minutes we waited, the patient let loose and peed a river on the floor. She shook her head and said, "It happens every time." Wow.

Best funny actually never came from a patient of mine, it came from my father and his nurse after his appendectomy-gone-wrong. (long story short: partial appendix rupture and massive adhesions)

After my father had surgery his testicles swelled to the size of grapefruit (plural) and when inquiring about this to his nurse she said elevating them would reduce some swelling but when he started walking around and getting blood flow back the swelling would go away... She turned around to roll some towels to elevate him when he turned to my mother sitting next to him and said "or you could just gimme a quickie."

The nurse turned around to my father very quickly and said "NO I WILL NOT!" and walked out of the room.

He never did see that nurse again, and we all pleaded with the other nurses to tell the other nurse he was talking to my mother. They all laughed so hard when he explained what had happened, and the next day his new nurse said the old nurse had transfered to the night shift on a different floor until my father was discharged!

My mother still laughs about this. My father still represses this...

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Thank goodness I found this thread tonight because I have the most perfect thing to add to it!

Pt: *calls nurses* "Hello there, are you there?"

CN: Yes? Good evening? How may I help you?

Pt: "Oh I'm just so constipated! Please bring me some eye drops!"

I've never laughed so hard after I got off the phone!!!:D The Patient was 100% with it cognitively too. :yeah:

I laughed when I read this, then remember my friend good friend who works at a casino. When the gamblers treat her really really badly (and I mean she puts up with a lot of bs before she gets upset) she puts generic eye drops in they're drinks to give them the runs... She says it's an old trick, maybe thats what the pt was trying to do?

When she told me that I warned her that she could give them Tetrahydrozoline poisoning and she has since stopped. (But she still does it at parties just for fun)

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Specializes in Making people feel better.

A friend of mine with a sick sense of humor went in for a physical, during which the doctor examined his prostate. After the exam, my buddy says to the doctor, (to my disgust, disbelief, but entertainment):

"If I give you a dollar will you do it again?!"

--- I can't imagine what the doctor's face looked like after that!

"

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I was talking with a resident and she told me that she missed her husband who had passed 5 years ago. I then asked her what he had passed of. She looked at me and replied, "He slept with that s!@t and that's why he died!"

I realized that was the wrong question to ask and steered the conversation to something safer, like cats.

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I asked a patient if he would like some oj and he told me, "No, but I could go for some scotch on the rocks."

*wine

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Specializes in Oncology, Medical.

Not so much what he said but more the fact that he was hard of hearing and liked to ramble on about anything, combined with me trying to ask an important question.

Me: Do you have any pain?

Patient: I've been diabetic for 30 years. I have to be careful with my diet...[rambles on about this for a minute]

Me: [cutting him off a little, speaking louder] I meant, are you having any pain?

Patient: Oh. I stopped drinking alcohol a long time ago. I haven't drank any alcohol in 30 years...[ramble, ramble]

Me: *sigh*

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Specializes in TCU, LTC/Rehab.

A 93 yr old lady who was a sundowner would always want to ho home after 6pm. She always asked if I knew what time the bus was passing by. I tried explaining that it was too late for the bus and that she had to stay for the night (never mind telling she lived there). Well, that didn't work for her so she kept on insisting to go home. After a while I would tell her I will give her a ride, BUT I ride a motorcycle (some days I would say a scooter). :eek: this was her face. My offer made her change her mind. She claimed she was too old and that she would fall off... She'd rather go to bed!!

I didn't want to scare her, but this worked.. I even offered a helmet for her to wear and her facial expression was priceless... :p

Love it!!.... P.S. By the way, I don't own a motorcycle or a scooter, but picturing this made my night in sundowners world.

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Specializes in geriatrics( ltc snf and sub acute((.

I have a very confused dementia patient who

thinks I am his wife and always tells me to get

into bed.One morning, after changing his roommate

I went to change him. He was very agitated and by the end

of the change he looked me straight in the eye and said,

" I knew it. I never should have married you, you whore!":eek:

My coworker overheard and busted out laughing and by the

time we got out of the room we were both in tears.:yeah::lol2::yeah:

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Specializes in LTC.
Not so much what he said but more the fact that he was hard of hearing and liked to ramble on about anything, combined with me trying to ask an important question.

Me: Do you have any pain?

Patient: I've been diabetic for 30 years. I have to be careful with my diet...[rambles on about this for a minute]

Me: [cutting him off a little, speaking louder] I meant, are you having any pain?

Patient: Oh. I stopped drinking alcohol a long time ago. I haven't drank any alcohol in 30 years...[ramble, ramble]

Me: *sigh*

story of my life!

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Specializes in LTC.
I have a very confused dementia patient who

thinks I am his wife and always tells me to get

into bed.One morning, after changing his roommate

I went to change him. He was very agitated and by the end

of the change he looked me straight in the eye and said,

" I knew it. I never should have married you, you whore!":eek:

My coworker overheard and busted out laughing and by the

time we got out of the room we were both in tears.:yeah::lol2::yeah:

Thats a good one!

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