Funny things patients say !

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Jenni811, RN

1,032 Posts

Specializes in Intermediate care.
Thank goodness I found this thread tonight because I have the most perfect thing to add to it!

Pt: *calls nurses* "Hello there, are you there?"

CN: Yes? Good evening? How may I help you?

Pt: "Oh I'm just so constipated! Please bring me some eye drops!"

I've never laughed so hard after I got off the phone!!! The Patient was 100% with it cognitively too. :yeah:

Must have been some pretty powerful eyedrops :D

Jenni811, RN

1,032 Posts

Specializes in Intermediate care.

Had a patient today who was just really blunt with everything. Kind of a tell it like it is type of guy. He constantly had something sarcastic to say, but NEVER put a smile on his face.

I have a super crazy last name that i don't think anyone has ever pronounced correctly....so he looks at my name tag and tries to pronounce it for a couple minutes.

Pt: "What nationality is that?"

Me: "It's Polish."

Pt: "Your polish?" ....long pause...."Polish people are the Mexicans of Germany"

Not really 'funny' but a pretty bold thing to say to your nurse considering i'm handling your medications. I really had no clue what to say to that one...

arabstarRN

68 Posts

So glad I found this thread!

While doing my first set of Med surg clinicals, which was my second semester of nursing school, I had a lol who had a lumbar fracture and dementia. I was giving her a bed bath and she thought she was still at the assisted living facility she came from, with her husband next to her getting a bath too. So she is talking away and as I am washing her legs she suddenly says quite loudly, "make sure you do a good job! Nurse, make sure he washes his balls! He needs to wash his balls!" I almost bust out laughing and it was all I could do to say, "ok Mrs. Xyz, I am sure it will be taken care of." She was such a sweet lady and I really did not see that coming lmao

Turd Ferguson

455 Posts

I had a bedridden little old lady in long term care once that grabbed my hand, looked me in the eye, and said "When the cat's away, the kitten will play".

She winked, and I gagged.

thearbiter

1 Post

We were assisting a lady partsl delivery and after a tedious wait, the baby came out. The mother was not wailing at all, unbelievably. When the doctor was stitching the perineum, the mother started to feel the pain. When she can't take the pain anymore, she shouted, " I want a CS, now!" There was a moment of silence, until we can't contain ourselves anymore and laughed to death.:uhoh3:

GARN912

16 Posts

Specializes in Pediatrics, Med-Surg, ER.

a couple years back i had a 95 year old lady with a lot of anxiety and confusion who always insisted she was dying. one day we had to take her to get a ct scan. the ct techs and i dressed in our all white isolation gowns and slid her over to a stretcher. all the while the patient is saying "am i dying? are you taking me to glory?" we got her onto the ct machine and as she's going through the circle with those rainbow colored lights flashing she's yelling out "this is not how i imagined gettin to heaven but okay lord do as you will..." and as we loaded her back on to the stretcher she kept saying things like " i guess i'm dead now? that was it right?" later that morning, the lady looked at me and said "i made a decision...i am not gonna die until the machine they take you on gets some padding to it....and then looks up to the ceiling and says ya hear that lord....tell your angels my back is sore!"

DemonWings

266 Posts

I had a psych patient tell me "Come here sweetheart I wont hurt you, I just want to touch your eyes" I guess more creepy then funny..... the same patient told me she sticks all her PO meds into her lady parts because they are too big to swallow

No Joke my patient asked me this today: "can i pass gas out of my member?- listen- i think i'm passing gas out my member- do you hear it?"

No, i don't hear it....:lol2:

AngelicDarkness

365 Posts

Specializes in geriatrics, IV, Nurse management.

My favourite quote yet!

Me: Hi ____, how are you?

Patient z: I'm terrible.

Me: Oh no. How come?

Patient z: The beer store refuses to deliver at this hour. I have nothing to get me through the weekend.

Me: Ohhhhhhhh......well... I'm sure there is a store open tomorrow?

Patient z: I can't get there. I'm so depressed!

I had a good laugh after med pour on that one!:)

JRP1120, RN

146 Posts

No Joke my patient asked me this today: "can i pass gas out of my member?- listen- i think i'm passing gas out my member- do you hear it?"

No, i don't hear it....:lol2:

Found out a few months ago from a few nurses on my floor that one of the doctors on our unit had a male patient that had c/o of this same thing, except the pt said he could feel it. He told them that yes, a man can in fact toot out of his member. A few of the nurses didn't believe him so he told them to look it up...it's actually called, for the male, a "quoaf" (don't know if that's the exact spelling but if you know what the females is called, you know what I mean!) :lol2: I about died laughing! (apparently can happen after foley catheter removal and only lasts briefly) :lol2:

Jenni811, RN

1,032 Posts

Specializes in Intermediate care.

Had a patient who as a chronic smoker, i mean smoked ALL day everyday. All she did was smoke, smoke, smoke. That was her life.

...i work in acardio/pulmonary unit so no surprise when she came into our pulmonary unit with lung cancer. She yelled at me all day about her cigarettes, i was so tired of it. No you cannot smoke in the building...no you cannot go outside and smoke with oxygen on. (And if you do...please make it far far from the building)

So doctor came and basically was telling her that her cancer was too bad, she had mets. and there was not a lot they could do. Just talking to her about her options. i was there with the doc who is from India with a big accent.

So this lady was like "well how about a lung transplant? can't you just go get a set of lungs from a dead patient?"

Doc: (trying to keep in simple for her) "Its much more complicated than that, we can't just retrieve lungs like that. they need to be a match, they need to be healthy lungs"

...the lady then pulls out her laptop and says "Well, if you won't get me a set up new lungs, i'll just book a flight to india and go buy myself a pair of lungs there. You are all indians here, so that must be where they hide the good doctors"

All day she was trying to book flights to India. It kept her busy and kept her off my case about the stupid ciagrettes. Also kept her from threatening to steal my lungs if i didnt give her a cigarette.

Yes lAdy, we hide all our good doctors in India so they can sell lungs to people like you. :)

beachmom

220 Posts

Found out a few months ago from a few nurses on my floor that one of the doctors on our unit had a male patient that had c/o of this same thing, except the pt said he could feel it. He told them that yes, a man can in fact toot out of his member. A few of the nurses didn't believe him so he told them to look it up...it's actually called, for the male, a "quoaf" (don't know if that's the exact spelling but if you know what the females is called, you know what I mean!) :lol2: I about died laughing! (apparently can happen after foley catheter removal and only lasts briefly) :lol2:

After my son was born, for awhile I would "toot" out the urethra. I guess the birth stretched open the urethra. If I would move one way, a bit of air would get up there, then I would move another way or urinate, and it would "toot" out. Kinda weird feeling. Glad when everything tightened up and it quit.

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