ER- HELP: Dumbest reason people go to ER

We had a guy in the unit come in with a tube of caulk located where the sun don't shine. He ended up going to surgery, cuz, guess what? It won't come out the same way it went in. Remind me not to buy sex toys at Home Depot.......

Here is a story
A normal perfectly healthy guy (21) comes to the ED complaining that his erections are "not as hard as they used to be" and his seminal ejaculations "not as copious". On examination he is erect. Provider says "Dude, u don't seem to have any problems right now". D/c without treatment, encouraged to see PCP if problem persists.
There should be a law that states that triage nurses should send patients like this away (or some medical coding that allows providers to charge double, so that resources aren't taken up by stupid people). Regardless, insurance should not pay for these kinds of visits that clog the system.
Another:
Mother brings 4 month old baby because she is pulling of her ears. Mind you, she is laughing, not cranky at all, no fever, you would have thunk this is mother's first baby (no, her 4th!). Of course, ears normal on examination. Diagnosis: Developmentally appropriate baby, 4 mo old, found ears, bilaterally.

Client comes in b/c jeans are stuck to pubic area. Patient wanted to "get a brazillian" without paying $$, so used store bought wax. Pt. freaked out after putting hot wax, so pt. put on jeans w/o underwear while it was still hot. Boyfriend w/pt. Provider offers to "finish the job", pt. refuses, asks for a pair of scissors. Pt's boyfriend cuts the jeans leaving the triangular area affected, they ask for a pair of sweat pants, and they proceed to leave unceremoniously. I wonder whatever happened to them.
Wayunderpaid

Man came in to the ER where I worked and had a Ken Doll stuck in his butt..........(You know like Barbie and Ken)

Another guy comes in with a Penis ring stuck, took 6 hours to get it off ! Had to sedate him...He was so dumb he took it home with him to use it again....

Lady comes into ER for toenail fungus.

Lady comes in wanting Kotex, said she still had ONE medical sticker left so we had to give them to her.........

Lady comes into ER saying her orgasms dont last long enough (she was intoxicated) ER doctor told her to get a better partner : )

Oh man, wouldn't you????

When I first started in a hospital as a phlebotomist a couple years ago I was young, naive, and would never believe such things could happen. I was sent to the ER one day to draw labs on a difficult stick, and as I walked through the ER I saw a strange film on the wall. I noticed there was some kind of cylinder object in the pelvic area. The image was blurry, and not knowing much about anything I didn't think anything of it. Later on in the day...right before lunch break...the pathology PA's came up to me to tell me they had a really cool specimen to show me. They were always really supportive of me and my desire to learn, but I had never seen them so excited to show be something before. Anyway, I go in and in this plastic bucket is an 8oz rusty can of, expired by 3yrs, oysters that had to be surgically removed from that pt. I stared at the can for a minute and then it all clicked. Eew!

I worked an ambulance for over 12 years. It was amazing how often the EMS system is abused by certain members of our community who hold a "Gold Card". We had one woman who went to the ER at least every 7-10 days for years (either by ambulance or personal vehicle). One day we went to her apt for "blood sugar problems". When we got there, she had her 2 daughters there. She complained that "My blood sugar is low". Since she was A&O x 3, we told her to eat something and then recheck her blood sugar in 30 min. If it was still low, eat something else and continue to recheck it. She started eating a ham sandwich while we were there. Then she said she thought her BP was high. We checked it and it was fine. Then she showed us a tiny nick on her shin that looked fine and said "Well, I'm a diabetic". I told her that most diabetics would kill for a "Boo Boo" that looked that good. I asked if she had any antibiotic ointment to put on it and she told me they gave her some last night. "Last night?", I said. "Did you go to the hospital last night for this?" and she said she did. "They didn't seem to happy with me", she said. We got a refusal to go to the hosp. and left. One hour later, we get called back. This time as we walked in the door, she was leaned over a wastebasket, supposedly throwing up something that looked like chicken noodle soup (daughters are gone). We just loaded her on the cart and left (because we knew we were going to have to take her to the hospital or she would continue to call us to her apartment until we took her). Enroute, I asked her if she threw up anywhere else but the wastebasket and she said "No, I was too weak to get up". Then I realized what she had done and asked her "Well, if the only place you threw up was the wastebasket, why did you only throw up chicken noodle soup? Why didn't you throw up the ham sandwich you ate earlier????" She realized she had been caught in a lie and stammered..."Well...well... I tried but it just would come up.." I wanted so bad to tell her that unless she was a cow with three stomachs, she couldn't selectively throw up what was in her stomach if she had truly been throwing up... After we got her to the ER, she got on the phone to tell her daughters that she was in the ER and trying to throw a guilt trip on them ( and tell them about that "mean EMS woman". That was one of the last times I worked the ambulance. I left there and went to an ICU at the hospital (at least there, the people actually have something wrong with them...most of the time).

I had a lady come into the ER because her husband had been eating grapes from her vagina and they had "lost one"

I once had a young man, 30ish well dressed, no obvious disabilities driving a nice car etc come to the ER to have his diaper changed.

I had a 20 something yo woman come in to the ER once beacuse she was having sigmoidoscopy the next day and wanted a nurse to give her the fleets enema portion of the prep.

I have had mothers bring thier babies into the ER with a fever. The temp might be 101 etc. When talking to the Mom I asked did she give the baby tylenol, motrin etc. Mom says no. SHe didn't want to bring the babies temp down so I could see how high it was!

I could go on and on................

I am writing a "paper" on the dumbest reasons/stories that people show up/come to ER. Would appreciate ANY input ANY of the ER staff out there has for me.........................IF you'd like a copy of the FINAL draft, please let me know and I'll forward it.
HI- I write a Monthly newsletter and am always looking for humorous readings. I would love a copy to add to my newsletter.Thanks

Private message me.

Wait a minute, WHAT?!

People never cease to amaze me....