Doctors' Chart Bloopers

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
Father died in his 90's of female trouble in his prostate and kidneys.
Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
Vomiting of unknown origin.
Admitted in error.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
Dr. Blank is watching his prostate.
If he squeezes the back of his neck for 4 or 5 years it comes and goes.

Some additional quotes made by physicians in actual medical records:
 Discharge status: alive but without permission. You need permission?
 The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
 The patient refused an autopsy. Hmmm, wonder why?
 The patient has no past history of suicides.
 Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. OK, who forgot to bring them?
 Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
 Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up. Hoo boy, I wonder how they're going to explain or bill for that procedure??
 She is numb from her toes down.
 Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
 Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. WHOA!
 Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. Now that's one thorough exam!!
 The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner.
 Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation

Vital signs q sh*t. We think he meant q shift but left out the "f'. Me being the smart aleck I am had to ask 'but what if he's constipated?'