The Diary of a Woman Who Wants to Get in Shape :)

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    This is dedicated to every woman who ever attempted to get into regular workout routine. A must read!


    Dear Diary...

    For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called
    the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

    Monday:
    Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a
    dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next
    to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in
    which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is
    going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

    Tuesday:
    I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but
    I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel
    GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

    Wednesday:
    The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the
    counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
    and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest
    hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other **** too.

    Thursday:
    Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me
    to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's
    room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

    Friday:
    I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without
    unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the &*@*#$ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended
    and graduated magna cum laude from. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a
    health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer,like the drama coach or the choir director?

    Saturday:
    Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to
    even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the *$@#&& Weather Channel.

    Sunday:
    I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the BASTARD) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a
    root canal or a hysterectomy.
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  3. 3 Comments so far...

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    ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!

    I laughed so hard, almost wet my pants and have to wipe away the tears just to type this.


    GIRL THAT WAS SOME FUNNY SH%@ !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


    Thanks I really needed that.

    Angela
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    OMG, that is HYSTERICAL! ROFLMAO!!
  6. 0
    HHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA! Oh My God! I laughed so hard I inadvertently gave my abs a workout!!

    That is TOO TOO funny!!! My husband was in tears too. I emailed it to myself at work so I can print it out and pass it around!

    Thanks so much, EndoRN! I haven't released that many endorphins for a LONG time!


    *snicker* *sniggle* *GUFFAW*


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