Comical Statements

I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.

I went for a walk last night and he asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time."

My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.

I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."

My husband said I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.

When I die, I want to go like my grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like all the passengers in his car.

I filled out an application that said, "In Case of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?

I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.