Christmas With Louise

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find
out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize.

Christmas with Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace
before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What
they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every
Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his
poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream
come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll.
They don't sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult
bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go.
You'll only confuse yourself I was there an hour saying things like, "What
does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made
it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard,
uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck
so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted
was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the
line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a
book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the
bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of
imagination. On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump,
Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in
during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled
the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate
some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.
I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my
brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present
that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would
bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all
agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the
family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas
dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
"What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's
doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had
several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her
clothes?", Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,"
Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was
relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have
answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in
the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!" My
grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and
said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was
Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel,
talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then
that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. The
dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who
was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise
that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then
she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a
heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce
through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and
began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back
over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped
out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to
treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a
thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We
discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her
right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we
restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several
bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can
get out of the house.

CHEERS!