Christmas Humor

  1. Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental.

    What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
    Answer: Claustrophobic

    Christmas is the time when people put so many bulbs on the outside of their houses, you don't know if they're celebrating the birth of Jesus or General Electric.

    When you stop believing in Santa Claus
    is when you finally start getting clothes for Christmas.
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  2. 6 Comments

  3. by   spineCNOR
    Q: Why is Santa always so jolly?

    A: Because he knows where all the bad girls live!

    ...Ho, Ho, Ho!
  4. by   Mary Dover
    From: Santa Claus

    I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will
    no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South
    Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.

    Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
    renegotiated by North AmericanFairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the
    new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so
    keep that in mind.

    However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your
    local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side
    of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys
    to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between
    us.

    Differences such as:

    1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus.
    He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:"These toys
    insured by Smith and Wesson."

    2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an
    RC-cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't
    smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit
    can handy.

    3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead
    of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one
    time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

    4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.." when Bubba
    Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott
    and Petty."

    5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to
    hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

    6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
    Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."

    7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and
    It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area.
    Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit
    IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars
    crashing into each other.

    And Finally,

    8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the
    wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents
    under the tree.


    Sincerely Yours,
    Santa Claus
  5. by   cmggriff
    Why are there no little Clauses?

    Because Santa only comes once a year and that's down a chimney.

    Gary
  6. by   nakitamoon
    thank so much!

    happy holidays,,,,, :roll ~kitamoon
  7. by   ERNurse752
    Originally posted by cmggriff
    Why are there no little Clauses?

    Because Santa only comes once a year and that's down a chimney.

    Gary


    <orange juice flying out of nose>
    ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!! heee heee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    :roll
  8. by   nurse wisdom
    Sorry in advance to anyone who doesnt like this kind of humour... but for the rest of you... read on!

    Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?
    Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.


    What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve ?
    They go into town, and blow a few bucks.

    What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies ?
    Snowballs.

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