Canadian humour (PS WE RULE HOCKEY)

Ok since Canada is the undisputed Kings & Queens of International Hockey I felt that we (Canadians) can give a little back to our American cousins ( who did a great job hosting the games) by sharing a little humor at our expense.

Enjoy

:chuckle (no offense intended, only for fun)

In real life My name IS Joe and IAMCANADIAN




A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.

"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."


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An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (Newfoundlander). He went to a neurosurgeon and asked "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?". "Sure, it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie." The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the surgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting out 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain." The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"
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How did Canada get its name?
When J. MacDonald and Friends were trying to figure out the name of this greatplace, someone had a great idea.
Let's stick all the letters into a hat and draw 3 of them - That will be the new name of this place.. So they did so..

1st letter is pulled and the guy shouts - "C" eh!?
2nd letter is pulled and the guy shouts - "N" eh!?
3d letter is pulled and the guy shouts - "D" eh!?



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Trick question:
If America and Canada got into a war, where would all the draft dodgers go?
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What do you call a Canadian fireman? A Hoser
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What's another name for a Canadian Mountee? Canadian Bacon.
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Why does hockey only have three periods? Canadians can't count to four.
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(Canadian) Maybe you'd like to know our top military secret.
But I'm not going to tell you where we hid the keys to the boat.
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Did you hear about the war between Canada and the US? The Canucks were lobbing hand grenades; the Americans were pulling the pins and throwing them back.
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Did you hear about the Newfoundlander who died drinking milk? The cow fell on him.
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An American and a Canadian were riding in a car together and were involved in a very bad accident.
The ambulance took them to the hospital together but they were just barely alive....as a matter of fact all three died in the same operating room while doctors were working on them.

Suddenly they appeared in the clouds at St. Peters Gate and as they appraoched, St. Peter gestured to the Americain and said, "If you give me fifty dollars I'll send you back....you are too young to be up here so soon."

The Americain whipped out fifty bucks and....poof! He jumped off the operating table in perfect condition! Not a scratch on him. The doctors were amazed and asked him how come?

He said that all he knew is that the canadian was "up there" with St. Peter and when St. Peter asked him for fifty bucks to send him back....he paid it and....poof! Here he was!

The doctors couldn't help but be amazed and asked him, "You say the canuck was up there with you?" (He was on the next operating table in the room) The Americain said "Yes he was."

The doctors then asked him, "Well what about him? Is he coming back too? What was he doing when you left?"

The Americain said, "Well, all I can say is when I looked back the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his fifty bucks!"


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Q. Why did the Newfie want Quebec to separate?
A. He wanted to be closer to Ontario.


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When a Canadian thinks of Hell..he wonders what the heating bill must be.
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A Canadian considers it one of the great thrills of life when snow doesn't stick to his shovel.
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In Canada we have two Seasons...six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.
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Why did the canadian cross the road? --- To get in the middle!
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And our ever favorite, when you cross the border on your way south you can see an add saying: "Welcome to the U.S. - we've got Bob Hope Johnny Cash and Stevie Wonder" On your way back (going into Canada) the sign reads: "Welcome to Canada; here we have no Hope, no Cash...no Wonder!
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6 years ago Prime minister Brian Mulroney called George Bush and he asked him: "Why did you ever take Dan Quayle as vice-president?" George says: "He passed the intelligence test" What was that test? "I asked him: If your mother has a baby and it's not your brother and not your sister, who is it?"And Dan answered:" It's me" So I hired him.
Good idea says Brian I'll try that on my finance minister: So he asks Joe Clark the same question. Joe says : "well can I give you an answer in a day or two?" "No prob"

Joe is completely in the dark so he asks Jean Charest the same question. Jean aswers :"It's me of coure".

Happy Joe goes back to Brian and says: "I've got the answer to your question: if my mother has a baby who is neither my brother or my sister, it's Jean Charest". Shaking his head Brian says: "Your such a dork; it's Dan Quayle you idiot"


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One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flys landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the head of the beer.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Canadian too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT RIGHT NOW!!!"


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Met a guy the other day and asked him if he had lived in Canada all his life. "Not yet." was the answer.
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Guy I know was staying in a fancy hotel in Calgary, and was enjoying the pool when the manager told him quite bluntly to get out. When asked for the reason, the manager said, "because you peed in the pool." Well," replied the swimmer, "lots of people do that." "True," answered the manager, "but you did it from the diving board."
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A family moved from Newfoundland to Alberta. Johnnie started school at the new location. Grade 3. One day the teacher asked individual students to count to 50. Many of them did very well, some getting as high as 37. But Johnnie did extremely well; he made it to 100 with only 3 mistakes. At home he told his Dad how well he had done. Dad told him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, son". Next day, in "language", the teacher asked students to recite the alphabet. Some made it to the letter "k" with only one mistake, but Johnnie outdid them again. He made it all the way through, missing only the letter "m". That evening he once again brought his Dad up to date and Dad explained to him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland". Next day, during Physical Education, the boys had arm wrestling contests. Johnnie noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed much much stronger. This confused him. He told his Dad, that night, "Dad, they are all really weak! I beat them all. Is that because I'm from Newfoundland?" "No, son," explained Dad, "That's because you're 18!"