Because I am a man

  1. • Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. The RAC is not an option. I will win.

    • Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the bonnet and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start." We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of Holy Communion.

    • Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

    • Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (F.Y.I. fellas: cumin is a spice and not a bodily function)

    • Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

    • Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).....applies to engineers mainly.

    • Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always sex, cars, or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

    • Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come and visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

    • Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly remember the name and recommend it to others.

    • Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

    • Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2004, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

    • This has been a public service message for Women to better understand the Male.
    •  
  2. 5 Comments

  3. by   karenG
    whats sad is I know men this applies to............

    karen
  4. by   leslie :-D
    this is a joke?
    oh.
    i have one of those.
  5. by   Ned the Red
    Because I am a woman I am different from a man. We may look like the same species, but there are different "rules" for each of us.

    Because I am a woman, I need to spend 20 minutes outlining my lips before I put on lipstick. Even though you say I have a big mouth, my lips are too thin. My hair is too flat/curly/dark/light/wavy. Whatever my hair looks like, I want it to be the opposite. My eyes are too small, and my skin is too blotchy. Thus, all of the time I spend in the bathroom getting ready to go out is an essential part of my routine. I need all this makeup so that other women will think I am naturally pretty.

    Because I am a woman, I will get up at 6:30 in the morning to go shopping if the store is having a sale. It doesn't matter that I don't need any new clothes, they are on SALE. Besides, I have three kinds of clothes in my closet. There are "fat" clothes for my PMS days, "dressy" clothes for the dancing I keep asking you to take me, and "thin" clothes that I will never get into again without liposuction. I will, however, keep all the "thin" clothes, because tomorrow I am going on a diet. Therefore I need exercise clothes too. It takes a lot of shopping to fill up so much closet space.

    Because I am a woman, I need many shoes. I need work shoes, dress shoes, three kinds of athletic shoes, sandals, slippers, open-toed shoes. I need high-heeled shoes, mid-heeled shoes, low-heeled shoes, flats, and boots. I need shoes in every color of the rainbow to match my extensive wardrobe (see above).

    Because I am a woman I will get annoyed if you come to me and announce that there is no food in the house. In all likelihood there is plenty of food. I am not falling for the trick and making you a sandwich. However, I will stand in front of my full closet and complain that I have nothing to wear. This is not the same thing.

    Because I am a woman, I will spend hours on the phone with my friends. Even if I just saw my best friend today, I need to call and tell her who is on Oprah. Especially if it is Tom Cruise.

    Because I am a woman I will talk about you to my friends. We will discuss your underwear, your bathroom habits, and your childhood. However, if you even mention my middle name to your friends I will be angry.

    Because I am a woman, I need to talk about "the relationship". I think about "the relationship" far more than you do. I will pick the worst possible time ( 2 minutes left in Game 7 of the NBA playoffs) and tell you, "Honey, we need to talk". If you ask to wait until the game is over, you will find yourself sleeping on the couch.

    Because I am a woman, I will have mood swings. PMS is a medical condition. So, when I scream at you and call you an SOB, and then cry and want to cuddle within an hour, I am not crazy. I am a woman.

    Because I am a woman, I have strange eating habits. I will order only salad on our first date, and lobster after we are married. I will buy candy bars and wash them down with diet soda. I will put artificial sweetener in my double mocha latte. And any food eaten while cooking does not count as food.

    Because I am a woman, I expect to have "girls night out" once in awhile. If you want to go bowling with the boys, I will pout and ask why you don't want to be with me. I will then assume that there is a problem with "the relationship" and will want to talk about it before you leave.
  6. by   leslie :-D
    Quote from Ned the Red
    Because I am a woman I am different from a man. We may look like the same species, but there are different "rules" for each of us.

    Because I am a woman, I need to spend 20 minutes outlining my lips before I put on lipstick. Even though you say I have a big mouth, my lips are too thin. My hair is too flat/curly/dark/light/wavy. Whatever my hair looks like, I want it to be the opposite. My eyes are too small, and my skin is too blotchy. Thus, all of the time I spend in the bathroom getting ready to go out is an essential part of my routine. I need all this makeup so that other women will think I am naturally pretty.

    Because I am a woman, I will get up at 6:30 in the morning to go shopping if the store is having a sale. It doesn't matter that I don't need any new clothes, they are on SALE. Besides, I have three kinds of clothes in my closet. There are "fat" clothes for my PMS days, "dressy" clothes for the dancing I keep asking you to take me, and "thin" clothes that I will never get into again without liposuction. I will, however, keep all the "thin" clothes, because tomorrow I am going on a diet. Therefore I need exercise clothes too. It takes a lot of shopping to fill up so much closet space.

    Because I am a woman, I need many shoes. I need work shoes, dress shoes, three kinds of athletic shoes, sandals, slippers, open-toed shoes. I need high-heeled shoes, mid-heeled shoes, low-heeled shoes, flats, and boots. I need shoes in every color of the rainbow to match my extensive wardrobe (see above).

    Because I am a woman I will get annoyed if you come to me and announce that there is no food in the house. In all likelihood there is plenty of food. I am not falling for the trick and making you a sandwich. However, I will stand in front of my full closet and complain that I have nothing to wear. This is not the same thing.

    Because I am a woman, I will spend hours on the phone with my friends. Even if I just saw my best friend today, I need to call and tell her who is on Oprah. Especially if it is Tom Cruise.

    Because I am a woman I will talk about you to my friends. We will discuss your underwear, your bathroom habits, and your childhood. However, if you even mention my middle name to your friends I will be angry.

    Because I am a woman, I need to talk about "the relationship". I think about "the relationship" far more than you do. I will pick the worst possible time ( 2 minutes left in Game 7 of the NBA playoffs) and tell you, "Honey, we need to talk". If you ask to wait until the game is over, you will find yourself sleeping on the couch.

    Because I am a woman, I will have mood swings. PMS is a medical condition. So, when I scream at you and call you an SOB, and then cry and want to cuddle within an hour, I am not crazy. I am a woman.

    Because I am a woman, I have strange eating habits. I will order only salad on our first date, and lobster after we are married. I will buy candy bars and wash them down with diet soda. I will put artificial sweetener in my double mocha latte. And any food eaten while cooking does not count as food.

    Because I am a woman, I expect to have "girls night out" once in awhile. If you want to go bowling with the boys, I will pout and ask why you don't want to be with me. I will then assume that there is a problem with "the relationship" and will want to talk about it before you leave.

  7. by   Nurse Ratched
    Quote from Ned the Red
    Because I am a woman, I need many shoes. I need work shoes, dress shoes, three kinds of athletic shoes, sandals, slippers, open-toed shoes. I need high-heeled shoes, mid-heeled shoes, low-heeled shoes, flats, and boots. I need shoes in every color of the rainbow to match my extensive wardrobe (see above).
    Hey! - I resemble that remark!

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