And Now, One for our Neighbors to the North

  1. http://www.satirewire.com/news/feb02/warship.shtml

    CANADIAN WARSHIP SEIZES TANKER IN... WAIT...
    CANADA HAS A WARSHIP?
    Oh Right, and Switzerland Has Nuclear Weapons

    Arabian Sea (SatireWire.com)-Canadian television reported Friday that a Canadian warship in the Arabian Sea had seized a tanker suspected of smuggling oil from Iraq, leading many to suspect that the report was a hoax.

    The Halifax Class frigate Vancouver.
    Honest.
    "You're kidding, right? Canada has a warship?" asked U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. "Like for war?

    "Does Canada know?" he added.

    "Nobody was more stunned than we were," said Kali Omari, first mate of the seized vessel. "We saw this frigate steaming toward us, and we were worried, but then we saw the maple leaf on the flag, and we thought, 'Oh, Canadians. What the hell do they want?'"

    When an officer of the HMCS Vancouver announced that the tanker was about to be boarded, the crew of the detained ship was confused, said Omari, but their confusion quickly turned to anger when they saw what the Canadians sailors were carrying.

    "They were armed. With guns," said Omari. "Canadians. With guns. And a warship. What is this world coming to?"

    "They were pretty rude, too," Omari added. "They started asking us all sorts of questions, like 'Where did that oil come from?' But first we wanted to know who gave them the damn warship."

    According to Canadian defense officials, the Vancouver is one of four frigates deployed in the region to assist in the U.S.-led Afghanistan conflict. The tanker was stopped, officials said, because its cargo of crude oil violated United Nations sanctions, which prohibit Iraq from selling oil unless in exchange for food and medicine.

    The U.N. said the incident is already under investigation, and promised swift action against those found responsible for giving the Canadians guns. Initial findings indicate that the Vancouver crew may have been watching too many American television shows.
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  2. 13 Comments

  3. by   gwenith
    I have heard of friendly rivally - we have that sort of relationship with New Zealand but this seems to come across as downright snarky - is this typical of American Canadian relationships?
  4. by   fergus51
    LOL! I actually think it's funny, and only fair. You should see the satire we have about Americans ("they're our best friends... whether we like it or not")! Roasting eachother is a national past time and as long as its meant in fun, I love it. Even Canadians routinely make fun of our lack of military power (I mean, c'mon, what other country sends soldiers to Afghanistan in jungle print uniforms?) and about the fact that Americans are completely ignorant about our country. This seems to poke fun at both
  5. by   gwenith
    I just saw the other post and now I see the humour - glad you are taking it in good spirit - I just came off Night duty so the poor brain is more than a little fuzzy but I am thinking up a good rebuttal for the Aussie one!!!
  6. by   kmchugh
    Quote from gwenith
    I am thinking up a good rebuttal for the Aussie one!!!
    That's OK, Gwen. Get some rest, we'll wait. (humming, tapping my foot.)

    Kevin
  7. by   fergus51
    Didn't you ever read my "Very Canadian apology to the US"? That's the kind of thing I find funny, cause I know it's meant in good humour. I'll have to dig it up again.
  8. by   fergus51
    Ok, here's my very Canadian apology and another forward on why I am proud to be a Canadian (most of them are jabs at the US seeing as our national identity seems to hinge on being different from them)

    Courtesy of This Hour Has 22 Minutes CBC
    Television:

    "On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to
    the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very
    well recently and for that, I am truly sorry.

    I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron.

    He is a moron but, it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's
    any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect
    poorly on the people of America. After all it's not like you
    actually elected him.

    I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more
    trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's
    cheaper and better than your own.

    I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defence I guess
    our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much
    better than yours.

    I'm sorry we burnt down your white house during the war of 1812. I
    notice you've rebuilt it! It's Very Nice.

    I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your
    beer but, we Feel your Pain.

    I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up
    against a crazed dictator, you wanna have your friends by your
    side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys
    pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew
    he had weapons.

    And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're
    constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way
    which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that
    you're not upset over this. We've seen what you do to countries
    you get upset with.

    Thank you."


    AAAAANNNNNNNDDDDDD.........

    Proud to be Canadian

    1. Smarties

    2. Crispy Crunch, Coffee Crisp

    3. The size of our footballs fields and one less down

    4. Baseball is Canadian

    5. Lacrosse is Canadian

    6. Hockey is Canadian

    7. Basketball is Canadian

    8. Apple pie is Canadian

    9. Mr. Dress-up kicks Mr. Rogers a..

    10. Tim Hortons kicks Dunkin' Donuts a..

    11. In the war of 1812, started by America, Canadians pushed the Americans back...past their 'White House'. Then we burned it...and most of Washington,
    under the command of William Lyon McKenzie who was insane and hammered
    all the time. We got bored because they ran away, so we came home and
    partied...Go figure..

    12. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.

    13. We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war to anyone, anywhere.

    14. Our civil war was a bar fight that lasted a little over an hour.


    15. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, who slept in and missed the whole thing... but showed up just in time to get caught.

    16. We knew plaid was cool far before Seattle caught on.

    17. The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface
    and is still around as the worlds oldest company.

    18. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes.

    19. We still know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.

    20. We don't marry our kin-folk. (well, except maybe in NewFoundland)

    21. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin, zambonis, the telephone and short wave radios that save countless lives each year.

    22. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.

    23. A Canadian invented Superman.

    BUT MOST IMPORTANT!

    24. The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on. OOOoohhhhh Canada!!

    25. Canada sends all its clear skies and beautiful weather south but the Americans send all their heavy snowfalls to us.... but WE know how to clear it without whining (except in Toronto)

    Oh yeah... and our elections only take one day.

    Pass this on if you are proud to be Canadian!!!

    Have anything not mentioned here? Why not add to the list!


    I AM CANADIAN!!!
  9. by   kmchugh
    Hilarious!!

    Though I must say, you all can claim hockey, the only people in the US who really care about it are folks in Buffalo, NY. And they are damn near Canadian, anyway.

    You only have three downs in football because counting to four is too challenging! You know, "one Lablatts, two Lablatts, three Lablatts, floor."

    Lacrosse??? What is that???

    Kevin
    Last edit by kmchugh on Mar 26, '04
  10. by   fergus51
    GASP!! You make fun of Lacrosse!! It's like hockey on grass! We need something to do for the month of summer we get..... I heard they used to play it using a decapitated head for a ball.... Now, that's a serious game!

    Oh Labatt's.... Almost as good as Molson's.... But then, they're all better than that watery pee Americans call beer...
  11. by   kmchugh
    Quote from fergus51
    GASP!! You make fun of Lacrosse!! It's like hockey on grass! We need something to do for the month of summer we get..... I heard they used to play it using a decapitated head for a ball.... Now, that's a serious game!

    Oh Labatt's.... Almost as good as Molson's.... But then, they're all better than that watery pee Americans call beer...
    Hockey on grass? Bet the skates don't glide as well, do they?

    A decapitated head, huh? Is that what happened to the kid not picked for either team? And from what I've seen, hockey hasn't gone too far past that.

    As for your point about watery pee called American beer (kicking toes in dirt, embarrassed) ..... I know. Sigh.

    Kevin
  12. by   fergus51
    Bwaaahaaahaaa! (laughing as I drink a good beer before going out for the night)....

    No skates, just runners. I still have nightmares of the 4 weeks a year we spent playing lacrosse when I was in high school PE classes! We had already moved past the decapitated heads thing, but it was SO violent. Girls on the Lacrosse team could kick any man's butt!
  13. by   kmchugh
    Quote from fergus51
    Girls on the Lacrosse team could kick any man's butt!
    And you Canucks brag about this???
    KM
  14. by   fergus51
    Oh, your butt is included in that buddy They are scary! Canadian toughness to the extreme!

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