Ambiguity

  1. Sorry . . on a roll today. A nurse friend keeps sending these things to me.


    Subject: AMBIGUITY


    For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity.

    Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
    One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
    If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have
    monkeys and apes?
    The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
    I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,"Where's the self-help
    section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
    What if there were no hypothetical questions?
    If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
    If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself is it considered a hostage situation?
    Is there another word for synonym?
    Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
    What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
    If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
    Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
    Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
    If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
    Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
    If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
    Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
    How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
    What was the best thing before sliced bread?
    One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
    Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
    Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
    How is it possible to have a civil war?
    If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
    If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
    If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
    Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
    Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
    Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
    Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
    If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
    Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
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  2. 8 Comments

  3. by   kids
    If you choke a Smurf, what color does he turn?
  4. by   Danamegg
    Thank you Stevielynn and keep 'em comin'. OK my favourite on the list is the Santa one :roll
  5. by   Spidey's mom
    I don't know what color a Smurf turns . . . but I'd love to choke Barney and he is already purple.

    Why DO they put Braille on drive up ATM's?

    Tweety . . Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

    Santa IS funny.

    steph
  6. by   VivaLasViejas
    Why do they call them "apartments" when they're all stuck together?

    Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

    Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

    Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

    If a cow laughs too hard, does milk come out of her nose?

    If you shoot a mime, do you need a silencer?

    Why do we sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" when we're already there?

    Why is it so hard to meet expenses when they're everywhere?

    How deep would the ocean be, if it didn't have sponges?

    What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

    If a man speaks and there is no woman around to hear, is he still wrong?
  7. by   Brownms46
    They put braile on the ATM machines for the passengers who are blind. That way they don't have to give their personal info to the driver..!


    Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

    How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

    If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

    If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

    If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

    If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

    If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

    If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

    If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

    If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

    Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

    Why are a wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?

    Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

    Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes

    Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

    Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

    Why do 'overlook and 'oversee' mean opposite things?

    Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?

    Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

    Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

    Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?


    Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

    Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

    Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

    Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

    Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

    Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

    Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

    Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

    Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

    You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
  8. by   gwenith
    Love them - keep them coming!!! In the meantime I will trawl through my back e-mails to see if I can find more!!!:roll:
  9. by   jnette
    Originally posted by stevielynn
    I don't know what color a Smurf turns . . . but I'd love to choke Barney and he is already purple.

    steph
    I'm just sooooooooooooo glad my kids were already grown when BlarneyBarney arrived on the scene !!!! YUK.

    These were great, Steph !!!
    Love the gas station one, the turtle, egotist, and mermaid ones !

    Funny.
  10. by   averie
    [QUOTE]Originally posted by jnette
    [B]I'm just sooooooooooooo glad my kids were already grown when BlarneyBarney arrived on the scene !!!! YUK.

    Well actually...

    I know this thread is kinda old, but Barney was around in the 80's, perhaps he wasn't quite popular or as wide spread, not sure. Back than though his was blue and not purple and naturally it was a different guy...of course it was probably a better show too.

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