10 things you say at work lay people could get arrested for - page 9

Very, very funny and true! If I may add one more: "Spread open your legs so I can insert this "(foley cath)... Read More

  1. by   nurseT
    Quote from JenTheRN
    Two things I said today:

    "I need a screw right here"...Well, I did. And maintenance still hasn't put it up! (Oh lord, that sounds even worse!)

    "I have a discharge" (Been said here before, but I never thought about what I was saying!)
    I was performing a flu shot clinic. A very tall gentelman was rolling up his sleeve and struggled with the sleeve around the biceps. He says "Can we do it like this?" My response, without thinking.... " If you can get it all the way up, because I need a big muscle". He promptly replied " I don't have any problems there". I laughed so hard, I guess I set myself up for that. It sure broke the ice for the people waiting in line.
  2. by   canadaRN1972
    God these are making me pee my pants
  3. by   AimeeJo RN
    Don't you just love having to ask when was your last bowel movement. It is like some sick pick up line.
  4. by   grace90
    Quote from STInurse2007
    Don't you just love having to ask when was your last bowel movement. It is like some sick pick up line.
    Hey, baby, so when was the last time you took a dump, huh? Wanna go out tonight and chow some Ex-Lax?
  5. by   miss_anneRN
    One night off, my hubby & I were out to a local watering hole. I saw a guy that looked familiar but couldn't place a name with the face. My hubby jokingly suggested to the stranger to drop his drawers 'cause "my wife's a nurse and can identify men by their scrotal folds"!!! ( can ya tell we don't get out much!)
  6. by   Indy
    Quote from miss_anneRN
    One night off, my hubby & I were out to a local watering hole. I saw a guy that looked familiar but couldn't place a name with the face. My hubby jokingly suggested to the stranger to drop his drawers 'cause "my wife's a nurse and can identify men by their scrotal folds"!!! ( can ya tell we don't get out much!)
    LOL! I have to admit, there are people whose groins I would recognize sooner than their faces. But they're alive and walking around, precisely 'cause I did check to make sure they weren't bleeding!

    To a coworker: "I need to play with your thing." Translation: I need to look at your MAR's to see what you gave this person. Coworker understood the meaning but still laughed.

    To an IV pump at 3 am: "oh just shaddup." Immediately afterward, to the patient: "not you, the pump."

    I ask "are you ticklish?" a lot, apparently. Before grabbing fat folds in a belly to give an injection, before shaving a groin, before checking pedal pulses... one patient did finally say "do you need me to be ticklish?" They don't know that I ask 'cause I don't like being stuck, nicked with a razor or kicked in the head.
  7. by   jill48
    I'm going to put this in your butt and I need you to lay on your side and try to hold it in for as long as you can.
  8. by   queenjean
    I'm giving report on a guy who'd had really hard stools, but for me had two soft, non-formed stools. The day shift nurse (who'd had him the day before) couldn't believe it, and asked something like "Really? They weren't the type of watery diarrhea that comes around an impaction or anything, right?"

    Me: "No, really, they were really soft and nonformed, but pretty substantial."

    Her: "Really?!"

    Me: "Really. I mean, they looked just like brownie mix."

    Her (totally serious): "MMMMM, brownie mix. Man, I love to eat that stuff raw."

    Me (also totally serious): "Yeah, I know. Raw brownie mix is awesome. Yum."

    Doc next to us: "Oh my god, stop it! I won't be able to eat brownies for a week now!"

    Me: "I'll eat yours, then."

    Doc (who is really cool and chats us up all the time): "Okay, this conversation needs to end right now before we all get arrested, fired, or our spouses leave us!"
  9. by   BJLynn
    LOL that reminds me of the other day when I wiped off a patients face before the doc examined her. And I held her hand away from him. She had just done some poopy painting and her aid had not sufficiently cleaned her up.

    Anyway, he's examining her, I'm holding her hand, and the other two nurses in the room keep looking at me giggling.

    Doc: I give. What's the joke?

    Me: Sir, that wasn't chocolate pudding I just wiped off of her face.

    Nurse #1: She's quite artistic.

    (Nurse 2 is about to loose it to laughter)

    Doc: Uhhhuhh......and what do you mean by that?

    Me: Sir, she just got out of the restroom and apparently decided to do a little painting. I don't think her hand it quite clean and I'm trying to keep her from touching you.

    Doc: Thank you. An excellent idea. Keep doing that one. I think this exam is done.

    Doc gets up and does a nice surgical scrub on his hands.
  10. by   LPNJessi
    Once while getting report the nurse told me that the patient had a crack in his crack. ( He had a decud starting at the top of his buttock crack) I still laugh about that one.
  11. by   fishnets
    how about: "i'll shave you before i cut you open" (during an episiotomy)
  12. by   MzMouse
    "Please undress from the waist up and we will be in to exam you."

    "Yes, you need to remove your bra." (or panties-as the case may be)

    "Please lower your pants, kneel on this, bend over this table, and we will raise you up in the air." Said to patients in the office for a rectal exam.

    Said to the doctor when I am headed into the procedure room to prepare a patient for minor surgery. "Give me a few minutes-I will start with him/her, then we will be ready for you."
  13. by   peridotgirl
    Quote from staceylee67
    "Would you go do my patient" or "Lets go do Mr. Smith" meaning asking the CNA to give him a bath.

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