10 things you say at work lay people could get arrested for

"may I touch your breast and squeeze your nipple?" I once said as a nursing student to a post-partum client while trying to teach her how to express milk and latch on the baby!

another one I said just yesterday...

"now pull down your pants, roll to the side and I'll put it in" (when giving a supp)

"Look, if I do that, his guts are going to hit the bed." -- Said to charge while explaining I wasn't following doc's orders to remove staples which were gapping open every time the pt took a deep breath (MD aware, and basically wanted it to be the nurse's fault) -- and the nurse on the next shift did, and the pt did evicerate.

"Okay, he's paralyzed, tube him."

"Can you strip for me?" Telling a partner to remove an unconscious pts clothes during transport.
"All balls accounted for." Counting the medicine balls used for physical therapy.
"Suck harder!!" While suctioning an unconscious pt aspirating on their vomit.
"I'm doing him." In a multiple victim car crash, referring to whose pt was whose.
"I'd tap that!" Telling a nurse to tap the needle before giving the injection.
"I have discharges."
"No honey, you need to blow, not suck, to get it up." Said to an elderly pt trying to move the bar on the o2 breather.
And the one I will never, ever live down... "Hey, 'Jim'!! You need to give me an oral before you leave. Don't worry, I'm fast!" Said to the EMS crew who tried to leave without given me an oral report on the pt. Fast meaning I record the info quickly. The attending laughed until he cried...

Let's try massaging your breasts. (To help with engorgement postpartum.)

Let's soak your breasts in warm water. (Same problem as above.)

Can you roll your nipples in your fingers to get them to stand out. (To help women with flat nipples to breastfeed their newborn.)

Try squeezing your nipples, like this, to get a little milk to come out. (To entice a reluctant baby to nurse.)

Let me massage your uterus. (To help it shrink down and slow postpartum bleeding.)

Do you have any pain "down there?"

"I've been too busy to record. Let me give you oral."

The nurse I told it to looked at me like I was insane and busted out laughing. When I realized how it sounded, I almost peed my scrubs laughing.