I am not alone

Where should I start? 5 days ago, Friday, July 24th 2009, I took the most agonizing exam known to nurse-kind; the infamous NCLEX-RN. We, as new graduates, dread the life-altering exam that determines our next step towards a nursing career, allowing us to officially graduate from nursing school with a $130 license (depending on what state you’re from). As if the time and effort we put towards nursing school isn’t good enough. Despite all that we’ve learned through the 2-4 year program, we’re required to sit yet again for an exam consisting of 75-265 questions.

CAT, a computer adaptive test, allows the individual to be tested on their weak areas rather than their strong. Based on how well the questions are answered, the CAT and one other individual can determine whether or not the graduate nurse is safe to become a licensed nurse. Does taking a test really entail a safe nurse? This is bit controversial within the nursing community being that there have been complaints about some nurses who end up passing not appearing safe in their nursing atmosphere, and vice versa for the non-passing nurse. With any examination, especially the NCLEX-RN, there is no doubt you need to be somewhat of a good test taker to pass. I am not one of them.

Now, where does the agonizing part come in? The agonizing aspect of taking this NCLEX-RN examination includes not only the studying prior to the exam, but it also includes the examination itself and the process afterwards. Whether you sit at home or Barnes & Noble’s, the task of taking question after question eventually tires you out. Your mind is filled with information obtained through nursing school and now through additional preparation for the NCLEX examination. There is so much information out there, old and new, that it’s hard to know when studying has sufficed. It gets to the point where you’re tired of doing questions and your mind can no longer hold any new information. You are now ‘ready’ to take the NCLEX-RN exam, or as ready as can be.

The day of the exam, is mentally exhausting. You try to eat breakfast but can’t keep it down, you try to tell yourself that you’re going to pass but the dread of failing still lingers, especially if you’re a horrible test taker like myself. Blasting music in the car on the way to the exam center temporarily calms you down as you scream “I’m a survivor” at the top of your lungs, but the dread returns as soon as you park and realize you’re about to take a nerve wrecking exam. As you enter the building and walk up to the front desk of the testing center, you’re required to have your identification reviewed, and a picture as well as fingerprint taken. You literally feel like a felon about to enter a jail cell; as if we didn’t have enough anxiety as it is. You’re asked to take everything out of your pockets and all items placed in a locker, except for your identification. Lip gloss, watch, water etc are prohibited. And if you’re like me with wanting a lucky pin nearby, even that is questioned. You then resume to another check point where another individual also checks your identification and fingerprint before entering the ‘CAT room’. Thankfully, they offer you earplugs. Although, in some cases I’ve heard that earplugs were not helpful being that a fire siren remained nearby. I was lucky the building remained somewhat quiet despite the shuffling of new victims or individuals with GI issues walking in and out of the testing center.

The exam has begun. With deep breaths, you sit there as the time goes by, faster than what it seems when practicing with Kaplan. Each question seems hard within itself, which to you, seems like a great sign with hard questions meaning you’re above ‘the line’. But how does one really know if NCLEX considers this and that question hard or easy? After talking to most GN’s, it seems impossible to tell. They ALL seem hard. When the computer reaches question number 75, your heart races as you anticipate the computer to go blank when clicking next. When question 76 appears instead, your heart drops for you fear that you’ve already failed. You take a deep breath and keep trucking on. You can’t give up because people still pass after the 75 mark. (My best friend passed with more or less than 120 questions and another passed at 265.) After this point, you need to just have faith in yourself, only thinking positively. Easier said than done, I know. Question after question, you’re anticipating the computer to go blank. Your eyes strain and get tired of looking at a bright screen, but you seem to be used to this because you’ve been doing this for at least a month now, preparing for the exam. All those Kaplan users out there know exactly what I’m talking about. At the two hour mark, the computer goes blank and your heart races thinking “this is it”. Instead, 2-3 seconds after the screen goes blank, a pop-up says a bathroom break is permitted at this time. Your heart feels as though it’s palpitating out of your chest because you had thought the exam was over. Instead, you contemplate whether or not you should take a break to calm down, or if you should keep attacking the questions. You decide to keep on going. At this point you don’t even realize what exam question you’re on. I was at about 160 something when the screen went blank for a second time. This time, it remained blank and I actually thought something went wrong with my computer. As I was about to raise my hand for assistance, a survey popped up. I had officially finished my examination. With heart racing and hands shaking, you just want to get out of the testing center and call the first person you can think of. Instead, you have to remain for the 20-30 something question survey NCLEX has provided after the examination. By this time, you’re sick of answering questions and quickly scan the answers, clicking on whatever deems appropriate within 1 second of seeing it. The exam is finally over.

You would think finishing an exam would bring a sigh of relief, but you are wrong! The agonizing continues. Depending on what state you’re from, some if not most support the ‘fast results’ website in which you can pretty much find out the results (PASS or FAIL) within 2 days, that is, with a payment of about $8.00. This is considered unofficial, but assumed to be guaranteed. In other states, you find out 2-3 business days via automated phone or by looking at the Board of Nursing (BON) website. This is only a pass result determined by entering your social security number and looking up your license number. If no license number appears when entering your social security number and/or name, you can assume you failed. They also send a letter officially confirming your pass or fail status within 7-10 days through mail. What a long wait!

If you live in a state that does not support the ‘fast results’ website, like myself, you are waiting for what seems like a long time, especially if you decided to take your test during the weekend. After your examination, you literally live at your computer’s side with a phone nearby, calling and checking online at every half-hour mark. Each time, the anticipation builds up and the long wait slowly gets taken over by a feeling of impending doom. Seeing Facebook status’ being changed to include the words ‘RN’, only increases the anticipation and anxiety. For me, the time waiting for any sort of result, was mentally and physically draining. I saw more and more of my classmates becoming RNs while I was still waiting on my results and hoping for the best. My anticipation turned into depression with each and every call/online checkup stating no license could be found under my name/SSN. My days were filled with tears with each disappointing day. At one point, I wouldn’t even get out of bed. As the days went by with no word of a license number, my gut was telling me I actually failed. It is now day #5 after examination and business day #3. I have been checking the BON systems since the morning, and there are only four more hours until closing time. At this point, I’m almost positive I have failed. With lingering hope, I continue to check their systems for any sort of a license number, but continue to be disappointed when hearing the words “This number does not identify…” or seeing “sorry, no matches were found” when entering my information.

I felt alone up until a couple of days ago. There has been no word of anyone failing within my class which makes a person feel awful. But, I came upon the allnurses.com website and fell in love with the tremendous amount of support coming from all angles, and the stories pouring out from other individuals who have also experienced what I have. I then realized, “I am not alone”. Although I am still heartbroken from the idea that this exam has caused a set-back in my life, I have also realized that I cannot let an exam control it. I realized from reading other heart-felt blogs that I have so much to appreciate for in my life. For one, I am healthy when many are not. I am reminded that my passion for people and helping those in need, is the sole reason why I kept with the 4-year nursing program instead of quitting like some had. My goal is to be the best patient advocate possible, and an exam isn’t going to stop me from reaching that goal. I remind myself that I have come this far with a nursing degree in hand. I am just a few feet away from my next goal of achieving a license and becoming a registered nurse. I am a caterpillar dreaming of becoming a butterfly, and I will not give up. If others can do it, I can do it! And so can you…

*****************[UPDATE]*****************

It is now 5PM on October 7th 2009. Approximately 3 months after the first time I've taken the NCLEX-RN examination. Why is today a significant day? I just took my examination for the 2nd time, and the computer shut off at 75 questions instead of the 160 I had originally taken with the first exam. I'm unsure of whether or not I did well enough to pass at 75 or if I did horribly instead. For now, I can only hope for the best, but it's hard when the known statistic for second-time test takers actually passing is extremely low compared to first-time test takers. I'm currently awaiting my results in VA, which are only available on the board of nursing website, hoping to see the results that will enable me to do what I've wanted to do since grade school. To be a nurse! I hope that by changing my studying pattern and having the faith of my friends and family, that I have indeed reached that goal. My prayer goes out to those who not only need it, but are also in the same stressful shoes as myself. Only time will tell...

15 hours later...and...I PASSED! How proud I am to say that I'm an RN