I Hate Being Bipolar. It's AWESOME!

Once known as manic depression, bipolar disorder is a serious but treatable mental illness that's become better known in recent years, thanks to the creative geniuses and glamorous stars who have gone public with their diagnoses. However, very few people talk about what it's really like to live with the illness; here are some of the realities that lie behind the romantic illusion. Nurses Disabilities Article

We've been talking a lot about mental illness during this early part of May, which has been designated as Mental Health Awareness Month. Nurses and students with all sorts of psychiatric conditions have been coming "out of the closet" and sharing their stories with candor (and not a small amount of courage). We've welcomed several new members who joined in order to comment and, in some cases, tell a little about their own experiences. And so far, readers have been very gracious and even curious about the various disorders presented here.

As many Allnurses members are aware, I've been very open about my battle with bipolar disorder, formerly known as manic-depressive illness. But how much do you all really know about this complex condition? Here are a few statistics for you from the National Institute of Health:

Bipolar disorder affects some six million people in the U.S.

That's somewhere between 2 and 7 percent of the population who suffer from the illness at any given time. This includes patients with classic manic depression, which is called bipolar 1, and those with what's called the 'soft' bipolar diagnoses of BP 2, cyclothymia (AKA 'bipolar lite'), and BP-NOS, which is a provisional diagnosis meaning "We know it's bipolar, we just haven't figured out yet what kind you have".

Most people with bipolar disorder are also affected by addiction issues

Some experts estimate this number to be as high as 60-70% of all people diagnosed with the disorder, making it one of the most common co-morbidities. It is thought that the over-use of alcohol, drugs, and other substances is a form of self-medication. Even compulsive shopping can be a symptom of the illness. And almost all bipolar patients overdo something---even if the activity is ordinarily healthful---such as excessive exercise, attention to diet, volunteer projects, and church attendance.

A scary thought: Bipolar disorder carries the highest suicide risk of all the major psychiatric illnesses

That's 15-20% of all people with the condition who attempt suicide each year. The completion rate averages around 10-12%, but even that number is astronomical.....and tragic.

There are more statistics provided by the National Institute for Mental Illness, the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance, and other trusted organizations for anyone interested in learning more, and I highly recommend Psych Central and the Healthy Living websites for articles and blogs written by bipolar individuals. But now I'd like to turn the reader's attention to the following list of signs and symptoms as they are experienced by real patients, including myself.

Mania is characterized by feelings of being "speeded-up"---speech becomes rapid-fire and incessant, much to the annoyance of others. Sometimes speech is also pressured and tangential, as if the person is afraid he'll forget what he needs to say next, or because ideas are coming so fast that the 'conversation' sounds like a string of totally unrelated topics.

Someone experiencing mania will often have bursts of physical and mental energy that enable her to create, to perform at a higher level, and to produce great quantities of work. (For example, one time during a manic episode I pressure-washed the front porch. For four hours.) But as good as it feels, this can be very dangerous, as the person may literally stay awake for days at a time and work or exercise to the point of exhaustion.

Unfortunately, mania is a siren song for those who spend more time in depressive episodes, because we feel GRRRRRRREAT! We think grandiose thoughts and experience a heightened awareness of sensory stimuli: I'm the king (queen) of the world! I can do anything and everything I want! And wow, look at all the COLORS!!

There is also a dark side. Some people with BP 1 will experience psychosis along with irritability and even rage, paranoia, and hypersexuality, which can ruin relationships and threaten health. Those with BP 2 experience a condition called hypomania, which contains most of the symptoms of mania but not at the same intensity. The dysphoric symptoms include irritability and irrational bouts of anger, distractibility, restlessness, and psychomotor agitation (which I can best describe as a "jumping-out-of-my-skin" feeling, or like I just can't find a place for myself). And common to both types of mania, we have NO insight that anything is wrong, and wonder why everyone is looking at us so strangely.

Depression is, of course, mania's "polar" opposite (hence the name of the disorder). This can encompass feelings of sadness, hopelessness, despair, and a desire to crawl inside ourselves to shut out the world. Some sufferers sleep or eat too much, others too little; some experience agitation while others can't get out of bed or off the couch. It's like a fog that creeps in until it envelops us in its cold, damp gloom, and sometimes it feels like the only way out is to end it all.

This is by no means a full analysis. Our symptoms and experiences are as different as we ourselves are; but as strange as it may sound to those outside our circle, bipolar disorder often confers on its victims the gifts of creativity and an extraordinary appreciation of life's beauty and grace.

We see the vivid colors of the world and smell its exquisite aromas; we thrill to the sounds of great music and sob inconsolably when a favorite pet passes on. And, as a friend of mine once put it, we see the world and everything in it as poetry: the highs, the lows, the joys, the pain, the wonder, the sheer intensity of it all......sometimes overwhelming, but almost always worthwhile.

Specializes in Psych.

It's sad but I plan on NEVER disclosing again if I can help it. Once the cat is out of the bag things are never the same again. You are under the figurative microscope, employers just expect you to fail I think, and you become the scapegoat. Even working as a psych nurse which I do, people are not understanding at all. I'm sure I would be treated very differently if my chronic illness were something like diabetes. Very very sad. Just makes me wonder how many nurses I work with have psych diagnoses they are afraid of opening up about. I feel like a lot of mental health professionals got into the field for a reason.

It's very sad that you cannot disclose this information without being "branded" or feel like an outcast to coworkers. I disclosed my mental illness to my coworkers and my thoughts of suicide earlier this year and I felt so much better. Though I am a nursing student, I work full time in animal medicine and work with a small group of people. I had a complete nervous breakdown this year and hit rock bottom--full blown with severe panic attacks and everything and keeping it all bottled up inside was killing me. Thankfully, I am close with the people I work with and felt comfortable with telling them how I was feeling, and to my surprise some of them told me deep dark secrets about their own mental issues. It was enlightening.

As I stated in my post from yesterday, I have suffered from a see-saw of manic episodes and deep depression since I was a teen. Currently I am in my late 30's and was not dxed with bipolar until 7 years ago. I was just thankful to know what it was and put a name to my disorder. I know everyone has their own special mix of goodies that come with this disorder, as do I. I have anxiety issues and obsessive-compulsive disorder thrown in with manic/depressive bouts. I may, at times, have a little ADD too. It is like a big mental disorder party inside my brain! But it is like a car wreck, even though I know it is happening I just can't stop. Meds keep me in check more than I would be without them. I am glad people are able to open up on this forum, it is good to hear your stories. You are not alone!!

Viva

I think a perfect job for you is one in home health, where you do you visits and go home. Better yet per diem so I you feel on the edge you can take time off without giving a reason. Home Health can be flexible and dealing with patients seem to be your strength. There was no other way to save your career without disclosing your situation to your employer, it sucks, I have to disclose my medical history but it is the only way some times.

Specializes in adult psych, LTC/SNF, child psych.
TerpGal02 said:
Even working as a psych nurse which I do, people are not understanding at all. I'm sure I would be treated very differently if my chronic illness were something like diabetes. Very very sad. Just makes me wonder how many nurses I work with have psych diagnoses they are afraid of opening up about.

I can relate to and endorse this SO much. I even know other psych nurses with a MI dx, and even though they might be okay saying, "Yeah, I'm on an antidepressant," but god forbid you try to relate to them and say, "Me too." No. *shakes head* It doesn't work that way.

TerpGal02 said:
I feel like a lot of mental health professionals got into the field for a reason.

While it's not always true, I like to operate under the assumption that, "It takes one to know one." Not always, but more often than not.

BTW, @TerpGal02 - UMD grad or Maryland resident?

Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.

Funny you should mention that. My own psychiatrist suggested mental health as something to look into as far as my next job is concerned, and at first I was kind of "really?" The idea of taking care of psych patients when I'm one myself seemed just too weird, but then again, the fact that I can identify with---and not be judgmental toward---mentally ill individuals might make me a decent psych nurse. I don't know. I'm afraid I might OVERidentify with some and not be as therapeutic as I should be under the circumstances; still, I'm pretty decent at setting limits with patients and might do very well......at any rate, I'm not ruling it out.

Specializes in adult psych, LTC/SNF, child psych.
VivaLasViejas said:
Funny you should mention that. My own psychiatrist suggested mental health as something to look into as far as my next job is concerned, and at first I was kind of "really?" The idea of taking care of psych patients when I'm one myself seemed just too weird, but then again, the fact that I can identify with---and not be judgmental toward---mentally ill individuals might make me a decent psych nurse. I don't know. I'm afraid I might OVERidentify with some and not be as therapeutic as I should be under the circumstances; still, I'm pretty decent at setting limits with patients and might do very well......at any rate, I'm not ruling it out.

You haven't known me while I was well enough to work with psych patients, but it's both cathartic and rewarding at the same time. It can be hard to stop and say, "This is a boundary. This defines the line between me as a professional in this capacity and them as a patient," but it's definitely do-able.

Specializes in Psych.
dolcebellaluna said:
I can relate to and endorse this SO much. I even know other psych nurses with a MI dx, and even though they might be okay saying, "Yeah, I'm on an antidepressant," but god forbid you try to relate to them and say, "Me too." No. *shakes head* It doesn't work that way.

While it's not always true, I like to operate under the assumption that, "It takes one to know one." Not always, but more often than not.

BTW, @TerpGal02 - UMD grad or Maryland resident?

Both! Life long MD resident and UMD class of '02 BA in polysci

I think it would be great if someone put up a page listing all the states whose BON investigates when a nurse seeks certain psychiatric treatment or substance abuse treatment. My state investigates when someone gets inpatient psychiatric treatment regardless of the circumstances. In fact, I am leaving the profession over this---I have bipolar among other things and I know I may need hospitalization in the future; it has been hell since my last hospitalization. I also have some physical problems, but in another state, I would be keeping the license going because I enjoy the volunteer nursing work I got to do in free clinics. Now I am in graduate school for a completely different career that does NOT require licensure.

Specializes in adult psych, LTC/SNF, child psych.
\ said:
I think it would be great if someone put up a page listing all the states whose BON investigates when a nurse seeks certain psychiatric treatment or substance abuse treatment. My state investigates when someone gets inpatient psychiatric treatment regardless of the circumstances. In fact I am leaving the profession over this---I have bipolar among other things and I know I may need hospitalization in the future; it has been hell since my last hospitalization. I also have some physical problems, but in another state, I would be keeping the license going because I enjoy the volunteer nursing work I got to do in free clinics. Now I am in graduate school for a completely different career that does NOT require licensure.

Umm...color me stupid but this sounds like a violation of HIPAA. Do you have to report to the BON once you've been hospitalized?!

Thank you for sharing about your own personal experience with bipolar disorder!

I was diagnosed a month ago after being diagnosed with depression 4 years ago. My psychiatrist spotted bipolar 2 right off the bat. With help of medication (Trileptal and Celexa) along with counseling with my psychologist, I feel like I'm on the path to stabilization. At least with Trileptal, it's seen as anti-epileptic. I would like to be on Zoloft to help me with anxiety, but I want to wait until my mood is stabilized with the Trileptal.

I'm a pre-nursing major and am looking forward to nursing school and joining the ranks. I see my bp2 (what I call bipolar disorder II) as a chronic illness that I must manage with medication, good sleep, good nutrition, exercise/stress reduction, and counseling.

For me, as someone who is newly diagnosed, it's reassuring to know that there are others in the nursing profession that also have bipolar disorder. I, too, wish there wasn't as much stigma associated with mental illnesses.

Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.

Welcome aboard the (Bi)Polar Express, Munchkin! It's wonderful to hear from a pre-nursing student who's newly diagnosed and yet so enthusiastic about the future, not to mention accepting of the diagnosis.

Funny how no matter how much proof I have of its existence, I'm still fighting the label---I thought for the longest time that my psychiatrist was just humoring me by assigning a diagnosis to my screw-loosey thought and behavior patterns! :roflmao: Finally one day not too long ago when I was going through one of my "But-I'm-not-crazy" diatribes, he just looked at me and said "You're BIPOLAR. That means you're mentally ill. It doesn't make you 'crazy', but it does make you behave in ways that aren't good for you or the people around you. It's OK---you're not a bad person for having it." Sad that I still have to be told this after having been dx'd for 15 months, but acceptance has been a long and difficult struggle for me. I'm glad it's so much easier on you! :yes:

Hi dolce,

Apparently, in Maryland, the hospital does NOT have to report because my understanding is that Maryland considers this a violation of federal HIPPA. However, my state (Virginia) doesn't particularly concern themselves with this detail. Luckily for me there has been no action against my license and nothing about me on their website. However whats going on in Virginia, was that in 2010 and some previous years the board of health told hospitals, if you have a licensed health care provider that is admitted to psych, and you don't tell us, and anything happens, we slap you with a $25,000 fine per admission. So some hospitals just began automatically reporting every health care practitioner who was admitted to psych. Because of my bipolar disorder, a couple years ago I was investigated for admitting myself to hospital for a depressive episode. I was absolutely begging my psychiatrist to admit me because it was not being managed outpatient and I thought it would be a safer and more efficient way to stabilize on medications. Unfortunately, and my psychiatrist was unaware of this, the hospital involved was among those that just automatically report. Ever since then, no one (my psychiatrist and those that cover for him) wants to admit me when I have needed because of the stress of investigation. I was hospitalized recently after the bipolar got so out of control it was necessary to save my life. However somehow during that episode I had the good sense to not tell anyone I am a registered nurse. I have met a couple other nurses and doctors who have had similar experiences. It is too bad because it discourages people from getting inpatient help when they really need to. It is even worse for those with substance abuse disorders, luckily I don't have that.