When the tools of recovery become weapons - page 2
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May 1, '08Parenting is a tough road. Don't enable her...(you are doing well there in having a "sober" home).
Hugs & prayers.
May 1, '08Quote from tazzirn[font=book antiqua] i asked her why she feels i'm a trigger. she said "everytime i have a conversation with you i feel like using."
[font=book antiqua]i haven't talked to her since. hubs tried to get her to apologize but she said that i seem angry all the time and she's afraid she'll get her head bitten off. i'm not angry. i'm incredibly hurt. it's been a long time since we've had a disagreement, yet she says she wants to use whenever she talks to me.
i don't really know if this will help at all but i am compelled to share my experience here...
i am an addict in recovery. i have a sponsor, work steps, go to meetings, i do service work, the whole 9 yards. i said that, so i could say something else. almost every time i talk to my mom for any length of time, i think about using or acting out on character defects. my mom is not an angry person, she isn't crazy, and she doesn't use. so what gives? the reason i think i have this problem is because i still don't know how to deal with life and the people in my life. i carry guilt for the things i put my mother through, and have a hard time expressing to her all the feelings i have (good and bad). this usually frustrates me and sends me to a boiling point. while i have seldom had a real desire to use since i got clean, whenever i have these talks with my mom i do think about drugs and acting out. like i said, i don't know if this helps you or not? i guess i just wanted to say that it isn't you (in case you didn't know that). i guess i'm telling you this because i can't say it to my mom and maybe your daughter can't say it to you- you are not a bad mom, and just because we don't know how to cope all the time, doesn't mean that you are doing anything wrong. though i still struggle with this area of my life- it has improved drastically- i'm even planning a trip to go visit her and my dad and brothers for mother's day weekend- it's been rough at times, but it's falling into place in god's time.... thanks for sharing a bit of your story- it opened my eyes a bit... i hope this helped at least a little....
May 5, '08Tazzi,
I'm a retired CRNA and recovering addict. As the chairman of the Ohio State Association of Nurse Anesthetists Peer Assistance and Practitioner Wellness Committee, I receive phone calls and emails similar to yours quite frequently.
Someone suggested Al-Anon, and I whole-heartedly agree! As health care professionals, we receive very little in the way of education about the disease of addiction and it's effects on the family/colleagues in the addicts life. Al-Anon will teach you how to develop techniques of "loving detachment". You will also find a community of people who have been where you are, so they will have much experience, strength and hope to share with you. This is not something you have to do alone.
I also recommend that you get some books that discuss the disease of addiction. The research community has discovered a great deal about the physiological changes in the brain that accompany the misuse of mood altering chemicals. These changes have profound effects on a person's behaviors, thought processes, and their overall affect. These changes will reverse to some extent with prolonged abstinence, but they will most likely never return to normal. This is why relapse is possible even with decades of receovery. Addiction is a chronic, progressive, potentially fatal disease. Like other chronic diseases, there will be periods where the symptoms can resurface. This is precisely why recovery is considered a "one day at a time" approach.
A couple of books I highly recommend are:
"Healing the Healer: The Addicted Physician" (It discusses nurses as well).
"Addictive Thinking, Second Edition: Understanding Self-Deception", by Abraham Twerski
If I can be of any assistance, don't hesitate to contact me (see my profile for contact information).
May 6, '08Thank you, everyone. Things are improving with my daughter, although we're not where we used to be. She refuses to work a program and does not go to meetings, and last week she moved out to an environment where there is drinking and using, but there's nothing I can do except sit back and watch. She is making some very poor decisions but she will have to learn on her own.
Jul 18, '08Quote from cherm59It sounds like she is looking for "a trigger." The first priority is sobriety. For without sobriety I have nothing, I am nothing. If someone else is affecting my sobriety I need to supplement my AA program with Al-Anon. It works for me.Everything is expendable when we use. I have a couple of suggestions, Al-anon, realize you are powerless over her choices, AND KNOW you are a great Mom.....Great Mom's do not enable sick children to stay sick. Sounds like you to me! I had a Great Mom and I am clean and sober 6 years......Prayers going up for you and your family
Jul 29, '08Tazzi, I am so sorry you and your family are having to go through this. You are SO not a bad Mom. In your place I have no idea how I would get through one day to the next. I will be thinking about you and your family, and hope that things will at least start resolving soon.
Aug 8, '08Tazzi,
You can be a trigger for her and still be a good mom! If she feels triggered to use when she has interactions with you, this is still her problem that she will need to deal with eventually if she gets help. You can't control how she feels, although I imagine it hurts your feelings.
I think another poster pointed out that she could be feeling guilty for the grief she's caused and we all know that it's "easier" to feel anger than sadness which could in turn lead her to feel as though YOU are a trigger in that she feels guilty about what she's put you through.
I am sorry for what you're going through. I hope she'll make some good decisions. When I read what you wrote about how being sober is a condition of living in your house, I could tell right away that you've got your head on straight! :wink2: That alone shows you are being a good mommy! It would be "easier" in the short term to give in and let her have her way, but you see the bigger picture and you know what's best for her and the rest of your family. Give yourself a pat on the back for being a true mom.