Trying to pick myself up during my suspension.

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    Hello everyone, I have posted before about my issues so I won't go into more detail. I currently and recently have a suspended RN license for 2 years for diversion of narcotics. Since then, I have had a very difficult time pulling myself together because of the shame and guilt I am experiencing. Currently, I am staying at home with my 7 month old daughter and doing all of the necessary compliance recommendations of the Board of Nursing. I was hoping to say that things have gotten easier since this past February but they have not been. I have been having a very, very difficult time forgiving myself and have a great deal of self hatred that I am dealing with. I feel like a failure. I sincerely care deeply about my profession and about my patients and am having a terrible time being away from nursing. However, I have been entirely sober and do not have ANY desire to use whatsoever. Sorry, I'm getting off topic. Anyway, I have always wanted to get my Masters degree in the healthcare field. Obviously, it would be my choice for it to be in Nursing but since I don't qualify for a MSN due to my current suspended license, I was wondering what you all thought about a Masters in Healthcare Administration. I would love to be a Nursing Director or a Nurse Manager etc.. someday but I feel extremely discouraged about the recent suspension. I hate to not get a Masters in Nursing specifically but.... would I be able to be a Nurse Manager/Administrator someday when my license is reinstated?? Would this Masters degree be helpful to the Bachelors degree that I already have? I was wondering if it would be an asset to my Bachelors or just not even worth it. Do any of you know the significant differences between a Masters Degree in Nursing: Nursing Administration and a Masters of Healthcare Administration? Can I get similar jobs? This is of course AFTER my license is reinstated. I figured that since I am home with my daughter anyway, I could look into an online Masters program. I hate to get excited about this because I don't want to be let down but this could most definitely help me get through these next few years. Please let me know what you all think. I greatly appreciate your comments. So sorry this was so long

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  2. 16 Comments...

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    Sounds like you're are working very hard to achieve success - congratulations on your sobriety thus far. Continuing your education would be a positive outlet for your energy during this difficult time.

    I can't speak to the impact of license suspension, but these days, an MSN is pretty much the only pathway to nursing management in most areas of the US - driven by Magnet & JC forces.
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    You must deal with the shame and guilt before you will be happy and successful no matter what path you choose. I hope you are working with a sponsor who can guide you through the steps, and have a solid support system. I don't say this lightly; I too diverted from my employer and know the overwhelming feelings of shame, guilt and hopelessness. I have been very fortunate that I still have my license, although it is on probation.

    Working with my sponsor and being part of a wonderful church has brought me a degree of happiness I never thought possible. Work through your feelings and forgive yourself, because you are worth it no matter what mistakes you have made.

    I wish you all the best. Please keep us posted!
    jackstem and KaseyJo like this.
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    KaseyJo- i, too, am wondering if you are working the steps, &, if so, how that is going for you. i was very lucky not to have my license suspended, so i didn't have that to deal with. but, i do know that, even with that, the key to your recovery & happiness lies within finding out what led you to that pathway to begin with- & for me i did that by working the steps with a sponsor, & with some work with a good therapist. the first time i got sober, i "pretended" my way through it all- & ended up right back where i started, eventually. the next time, i knew i had to do something different- so i really plunged in, got a sponsor, set goals for working the steps, & did them 110%- & held nothing back. in so doing, i confronted & rid myself of the issues that created my addiction to begin with. today, because of that, i am happy, joyous, & free!! & i have faith in my God to always be there & take care of me. pursuing another career pathway might be a good idea, but sooner or later, you are gonna have to work on your self- or you won't be able to stay sober. much love & best wishes to you!!
    willow14 likes this.
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    Thank you all for your words of advice. I really appreciate it. I do have a sponsor and am currently working the steps. I am doing things honestly and thoroughly. I have always been very hard on myself and it's gotten extreme since my relapse. I forgive other people so easily but I have a very hard time forgiving myself. I feel that I'm doing the necessary steps in my recovery at this time, it's just a very slow process and I still have so much to learn. Again, I appreciate your support. Thank you
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    There is a woman in my nurses group that will graduate from a DNP program while under a consent order. Our aftercare program is very stringent and required communication between them and her program to verify she had notified them. It is from a prestigiousDNP program also. Our treatment center is pretty well known too though. So... Have you actually talked to anyone in the admissions office? I understand the guilt and shame aspect. But, maybe your sponso can help you work through that. Best of luck on your recovery!
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    Kasey...reread a post I left for you in another thread. You have a disease that alters your brain and significantly alters your behaviors as it progresses. I hope you wouldn't be so hard on yourself if you developed cancer, hypertension or some other chronic disorder. If you can see those other disorders as "not your fault", perhaps if you understood the pathophysiology of this disorder better you might be willing to let go of some of the guilt and shame.

    Are you seeing a counselor for depression? Are you being treated medically for depression. It seems there was discussion of postpartum depression in that other thread. You know, serious clinical depression is also another one of this disorders where people (including our colleagues and even ourselves) believe you should just be able to "get over" by sheer willpower. That is so much BS, but we seem to buy into it. Recovery isn't easy and we can't do it alone. Trying to recover from CD while fighting serious depression is really tough. Maybe a thorough examination by an addiction psychiatrist or a psychiatrist familiar with the disease of CD is in order.

    Here's the link to the thread where I posted numerous links to articles about the disease process in addiction. Read the articles at each of those links to get a better understanding of what you're dealing with. You are NOT a bad person trying to become good. You have a disease of the CNS and are trying to become well.

    http://allnurses.com/nurses-recovery...ml#post6285888

    Jack
    sallyrnrrt, VivaLasViejas, and TXRN2 like this.
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    KaseyJo,As others have said, you need to deal with your feelings of shame & guilt before you will be able to move forward. I'm not sure this would be the best time to be starting to work on your Master's. I've been sober for over 23 years & just started my MSN program and I'm having a hard time keeping up. Online programs are rigorous & very fast-paced. Concentrate on your sobriety & taking care of your baby. If you don't have your sobriety, you have nothing.
    VivaLasViejas and jackstem like this.
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    "Doing" is another way to avoid the pain we deal with trying to deal with the fallout from our active addiction as well as the woundedness we bring from our lives. We use many forms of "medicating" our emotional, spiritual, and physical pain. Food, drugs, sex, exercise, career advancement are but a few. I've discovered in my own recovery, discovering and dealing with underlying traumas, whether they be physical, emotional, or spiritual, is a key component for long term recovery. I think the suggestion to look at the plan to pursue an advanced defree at this time is a good one.

    Jack
    TXRN2 likes this.
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    Thank you all SO much for your help. I apologize for not replying sooner. I haven't had any internet for several weeks after a flood we had. I take all of your recomendations seriously and I appreciate your honesty. I'm a very motivated person and will have a hard time not going to school at this time. But, I'm still thinking about it Thank you again. I will keep you updated.


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