So grateful I found this forum!!!!

[NoMoFear]

Hi...

My name is Kaitlyn and I'm an alcoholic... I'm also a new RN and a nurse practitioner student. I had worried about my drinking for years, but never quite failed the diagnostics I ran myself through... Never had that eye-opener, so I must not be an alcoholic, I just need to "cut back". (Never mind that I couldn't cut back- every time I tried and failed, I would tell myself in retrospect I hadn't "really" meant it! God, when I think back on all the mental gymnastics I put myself through to avoid facing the simple truth, I feel like smacking myself upside the head.

Anyway, so much for wasted time and effort. I am now 18 days sober and attending AA meetings, as well as getting online support at other forums. I just had no idea that a forum like this existed for nurses. I'm so happy I found it... gosh I'm getting teary-eyed. My sobriety is so new, and life feels like such a roller coaster, I'm very fearful of who I should tell and who I shouldn't due to my profession.

I didn't face my alcoholism due to any extreme exterior consequence. No DUIs, no legal problems of any sort, no real physical dependence (I was lucky not to have to go through withdrawal, I know), and was never under the influence in a clinical setting. However there were a lot of "yets" on my horizon. I have seen others in my family progress in the disease and I didn't want to be one of them. Also in the last year I know my school performance slipped. It's a new year and I'm trying to make a fresh start but I'm afraid I've completely lost the confidence of my professors. There is one in particular I'm considering disclosing my recovery to, but the fear factor is strong. I'm repeating the serenity prayer a lot... which is funny because I'm an atheist! I'm trying to think of it as a meditation. No matter what you believe, everyone needs serenity, courage, and wisdom. Especially me right now.

This is a completely rambling post... I'm just giddy to have found you all. Have good sober days everybody :)

[mzloco]

GO TO MEETINGS. Get a sponsor and work the steps. They call it AA for a reason. Anonymous. I can only tell you from my experience strength and hope.... My experience is if you tell another RN you have the disease of addiction and that RN feels like ( or in some cases may be mandated)disclosing that information to the board, your opening up a can of worms you may not want to deal with so early in recovery if at all. You have not harmed others or have practiced drunk etc... My advice is KEEP IT BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR PROGRAM.

Talk to your sponsor and remember to talk to your higher power.

[bossynurse101]

I see I've been talked about on this thread. I was talking about abusive behavior by people withdrawing from alcohol on that thread.

jls, first off, - speaking only for myself, if I have offended you in any way - I apologize, I in no way meant to be hurtful. It was kind of a knee-jerk reaction to the sensitivity I felt when you referred to "those" people. You see, many of "us" used to be "those" people OR have YET to be "those" people. When I first skimmed the waters of my addiction some 20 years ago, I NEVER, ever, ever, wd have imagined that I wd become the low bottom, smelly, mess that I was. I do remember the nasty comments and the looks of disgust that I got when I ended up in the ER. God how I hated myself as much as they did. But trust me, I did not know what else to do. I had no family, no sober friends, no friends, period. When I finally ended up in jail, it was a God send that I am still thankful for today. I know without a doubt that I wd have ended up dead otherwise. I have been thinking about your post alot this past week or so and have come to the conclusion that maybe things are just as they shd be. After all, can you imagine how much more overrun the ER wd be if the nurses were sweet and kind? I mean, think about it "Hi darlin', what wd you like first, a sandwhich? A bath? How bout a beer" then the look of amazement that wd ensue. Its comical when you think about it! But I am grateful that I found this forum, only another addict/alcoholic can truly understand the pain, personal prison, and hopelessness that one feels. I dont wish you any ill will, you are on your own journey and I wish you many blessings on it. But if you cd, when you come across your next drunk, if you cd remember me and tell him (if he is coherent) "there is someone out there who understands what you're going thru" and give him the number to the local AA. Peace.

[FireStarterRN, BSN, RN]

I don't work in an ER, plus I'm always kind to my patients. Bedside manner is kind of my special gift, no matter how exasperating a patient might be.

I do think that any of us who have abused substances need to take personal responsiblity for what we've done under the influence.

I'm thankful that I never reached the point of a fullblown addiction with alcohol, but I do have an addictive personality, so I've concluded that natural highs are the only way to go. I was a bad pothead when I was in highschool, but then gave that up. I didn't develop a taste for alcohol until I was 30. I also enjoyed LSD back then, but realized that I couldn't really continue with that forever.

Anyways, instead of wine in the evenings I've developed a new ritual of drinking chamomile tea. I think in forming better habits that it's important to replace an old, bad habit with a healthy one. That's really helped me, plus I've gotten my family in on the act. I gave up alcohol last winter, and I feel better than I have in a long time!

[mzloco]

I am an ER Nurse( can not wait to get back there) and let me tell you I have a whole new outlook on " those" people now. before I found recovery we ( I) was one of thos ED nurses who laughed, joked and took bets on ETOH levels. I never saw my self as an addict until it spun out of control. I went back to the ED for a short time after I got sober and instead of joking about them...when they sobered up I would direct them to where they needed to be...IN RECOVERY if they wanted it....

Thats the problem in our ED's today we sober them up and send them back out to the streets instead of sending them straight to detox and recovery.

[patience_care]

Welcome:grpwlcm: This is a great site for receiving encouragement.

[southernbeegirl, BSN, RN]

I went to the GND forum and read that thread.

I have to be as honest with yall as I am with myself. When I was in active addiction, I was a pain in the rear to treat! I was a huge victim/martyr so nothing was "my fault" and i thought the world "owed me".

I can empathize with nurses needing to vent over caring for addicts. it doesnt mean they are disrespecting us in recovery, IMO. I work in LTC rehab and love my patients but vent about them often. doesnt mean i care any less...just means i need a safe place to vent with people that can empathize and not think im a horrible person for venting.

thats the way i took that thread...that it was just venting. even i have to admit caring for addicts is frustrating at times. "normal" people cant understand our thinking because they arent addicts. i know even now...whether i'm at work, at a meeting or talking with a sponsee...i get so frustrated some times. i 'know' what they need to do to get sober but they wont listen, lol. i'm sure 'normal' people feel the same at times.

just my take on it.

and to the OP...how are you doing? congrats on your sobriety!

[mzloco]

NoMo.....Your on the right track.... don't get caught up in anything right now especially some conversations on the web. I come here for support.....You work on yourself. Your doing the right thing. I would not disclose my addiction to anyone in the nursing profession unless I had too. If they do not need to know thats just it they DO NOT NEED TO KNOW. Congrats on your 22 days....go to a meeting everyday, talk to your sposor everyday or someone in sobriety, say a few kind words to your higher power and start working the steps. Stay Sober... remember you do not have to drink anymore....the world is a much kinder place sober.