Recovering opiate addict: In need of advice

Nurses Recovery

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Hello all,I'm so glad I fought this forum. I've replied to several posts but thought it was time I told my story.Shewwww here goes: I have been a nurse since 2006. Worked in ICU & ER for a couple years from there moved on to my dream job. I work there for about a yr & in the last few months started diverting Percocet. I couldn't believe what I was doing at times it felt like I was having an out of body experience, I was sick, both physically & mentally. Im scared now that I'll never be given a second chance to prove I'm no longer that "sick" person. Recovery has been a long lonely road & at times I've tried giving up but I know now God has other plans for me. I always wanted to be a nurse, I was good at what I did but now bc of my addiction I may never be given another chance. I can look back now & be thankful for the road I have traveled bc it's made me the person I am today, which is a strong, health woman. I just wish there were more ppl out there that understood that addiction is a disease & not everybody that suffers from this illness is not a dead beat, loser that doesn't want & need help. Well this has been my story in a nut shell. I hope I can help others out there that have walked in my worn out shoes.

HM I've been clean for 2yrs & don't have the desire to ever use again. With that said unless you yourself have suffered from addiction then YOU DON'T understand. Until you've walked in my shoes or another other nurse in recovery you should not judge. .

Specializes in Peds/outpatient FP,derm,allergy/private duty.

GA two years clean is absolutely an accomplishment to be proud of. Godspeed to you and hope you are able to turn the years into decades. ((GA))

Ty Nurse156, it's so easy for others to judge when they really know nothing about this disease/illness. This is where the nursing program fails, they don't go into detail about addiction. While HM may have served our country & seen many things I highly doubt he or she has has the most insight on addiction. I'm not making excuses for the bad decisions I've made in life. I owned up to what I did & sought help.

Specializes in Peds/outpatient FP,derm,allergy/private duty.
Ty Nurse156, it's so easy for others to judge when they really know nothing about this disease/illness. This is where the nursing program fails, they don't go into detail about addiction. While HM may have served our country & seen many things I highly doubt he or she has has the most insight on addiction. I'm not making excuses for the bad decisions I've made in life. I owned up to what I did & sought help.

I know. You aren't obligated to defend yourself on your own thread which seems to be veering off the topic. ❤

Ty Nurse156. I know there are certain ppl out there that like to make judgement on others. ."What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"

Specializes in Adult/Ped Emergency and Trauma.

Wow, thanks Nursel56, that meant a lot:) I wouldn't trade what I've been through for anything. It humbled me to my core, and my perspective is clearer as to who I am. I wouldn't wish it on anyone- and I've known some nasty people, Lol. The most important lesson I learned is the hardest person you will ever have to forgive is the one in the mirror.

Very well said BostonTerrierLoverRN,We are our own worst critic. I too wouldn't wish my experience with addiction on anyone, it just upsets me when others are so judgemental about this disease & really know nothing about it.

Specializes in Adult/Ped Emergency and Trauma.
What made you do it the very first time? I've never had a problem with substance abuse but have always been curious as to what causes people to actually do something like that. Was it the thrill, the fact that you knew it was wrong, a desire to just feel good??? If you don't mind me asking.
Well I don't know any nurse that started Opiates/Opioids on a whim, or for a "thrill." More likely poly-cystic ovary, a surgery, or an injury.

My first use of a narcotic opioid was at 21. My brother and I were on our way to school, and a transfer truck driver on his 23rd hour of working fell asleep. We were on a bridge, and my older brother, my only sibling, couldn't diverge. The truck hit his side, and it crushed him into the seat (wheel) and then ejected him (seat belt malfunction).

I had my spleen removed, part of my liver, and my left arm was severed to the bone. I was on a PCA after the surgery, DC'd on Hydrocodone. I knew in the hospital something in me had changed. I thought I could face all the challenges of life much better on them.

I didn't have to experience grief, or stress, or anxiety. I was naïve that this legal prescribed medication could take everything from me. No doctor or nurse told me when it was obvious I was coming for refills religiously, that this only led to prison, institutions, or death. It's still 100% my fault- but, the idea that they are legal, prescribed, and "safe" had taken many awesome worthwhile people to their grave. Benzodiazepines are horrible as well, a doctor even tried to give me an Rx to kick the opioids- but, I knew I might like them too:) I was also ordering heavier opioids online, so easy I didn't understand why anyone would turn to the street.

I second the poster who said Opioids worked different in addicts. You would have never known I was on something- no one, not even my wife knew or suspected. The only time I looked "sick" was in withdrawals, where they would say,"You need to go to the doctor." I wasn't going to argue with that!

No one chooses this lifestyle. Running out is like the flu within hours of last dose. Can't eat, sleep, hold fluids in, and the muscles just ache crazy- and it can go on for days, weeks even. Diarrhea, Malaise, Lethargy, Anhedonia, Nausea, Vomiting, Nightmares, runny nose, tearing, yawning, Anorexia, hot/cold, and tunnel vision- You know one dose and you'll feel normal, great even- it's common sense- you can't work with the flu! So, it's a hell pattern that begins to feel like prison. No one asks for this.

You know, I hope to get a job even with my order, but I think my issues have made me a better person as well.

Specializes in Adult/Ped Emergency and Trauma.

It honestly tempers me, I now know real sanity- and you can't argue with insanity- water off a duck's back:)

Specializes in Psych ICU, addictions.

A gentle reminder to all participants (current and potential) to please keep the thread on topic, as well as to show respect to each other.

Thank you.

Specializes in Critical Care, ED, Cath lab, CTPAC,Trauma.

The thread has been heavily edited for posts that were divisive and rude. As per the Terms of Service, here at AN we promote the idea of lively debate. This means you are free to disagree with anyone on any type of subject matter as long as your criticism is constructive and polite. Additionally, please refrain from name-calling. This is divisive, rude, and derails the thread.

Our first priority is to the members that have come here because of the flame-free atmosphere we provide. There is a zero-tolerance policy here against personal attacks. We will not tolerate anyone insulting other's opinion nor name calling.

Our call is to be supportive, not divisive. Because of this, discrimination, racial vilification and offensive generalizations targeting people of other races, religions and/or nationalities will not be tolerated.

We can disagree without being disagreeable and rude....we are professionals. I had always told my teenagers if you have nothing nice to say ....you are to say nothing at all!

Points will be assigned and the thread will be closed.

OP......I wish you they very best in your recovery. Addictions is a disease but there is a treatment that starts with wanting to get well. Congratulations on your sobriety!

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