Need some encouragment and understanding

  1. I really need to talk to someone in recovery. Here is what's happening:
    I am an addict. I am in my 30's now. When I was a teenager I went through an IOP. I haven't taken illegal drugs for over 14 years. After struggling and finally breaking free from an abusive relationship, I managed to make a good life for my daughter. I am married now and have 4 kids.
    I became a nurse 4 years ago and was never tempted to take drugs from work. I have taken pain meds off and on for medical reasons since then. I was in a car accident when I was pregnant and received an rx for Tylenol #3. I took it as prescribed. When that was gone, I began to have back pain. My ob gave me a script for the same thing. I became addicted to these during that time.
    Since that time (1.5 years ago) I became pregnant again. My regular MD kept prescribing #3's for me for migraines, which I would only get after the drugs were gone. I knew I had a problem then, but my home life was crumbling around me and I couldn't take the shame of coming clean with my MD.
    I was working without direct pt contact during this time. I lost this job because I was unable to perform the functions and got a new job with direct pt care. I began to resent being the "bread winner" in my household. My husband is an alcoholic and my home life was almost unbearable when he drank. He had a nervous breakdown last month. Right before I went back to work.
    I have 2 babies under 2 at home. I had to go back to work after 8 weeks. I began to get very sleepy at work. My baby still doesn't sleep through the night. I was working 12-hour night shifts. I guess in the back of my mind I didn't want to work. I resented the fact that I had to work all the time. I started to make med errors at work. The times that narcs were given were off from the pyxis. Also there were several times that narcs where not wasted. I didn't know this until my manager found out. I was terminated. I don't even remember whether some of these drugs were given IV or PO. There were so many documentation mistakes. My head is in a fog and has been for some time now.
    My husband is not being very supportive. I have nowhere to turn.
    I did call my state impaired nurse program, but waiting until Mon is driving me crazy. I know it's my own fault for not speaking up but now I am in this awful predicament. Help!!
  2. 7 Comments

  3. by   BEDPAN76
    Hi Amanurse, I don't know what to tell you except I am sending prayers and a big hug to you!
  4. by   gj59
    from my own experience in recovery - find a 12-step recovery group (I'm a recovering addict who attends AA meetings) - you'll be amazed. As far as the anxiety till Monday - prayer is a miracle itself. When I first hit bottom, someone told me to ask God for peace of mind and then to believe that He could and would . . . I'll I can say is that it worked then and still works for me today.
  5. by   jackstem
    Once the disease of addiction has been activated you are always at risk for reactivation of the disease (as you have discovered). In order for your brain to recover you need to become abstinent from mood altering substances. It can take 18 - 24 months for that to happen. During that time it can be very difficult to do this alone. Attending 12 Step meetings (AA or NA) can be life saving in early recovery. Having two children under the age of 2 is very stressful for a stay at home Mom, let alone for a Mom also working full time. You can't do this alone. You need as many people in your corner as you can muster. Speak with your doctor and be completely candid.

    If your husband is an active alcoholic he will be incapable of providing consistent support. Are your parents able to help? Brothers or sisters? When you speak with the folks from peer assistance, tell them about your circumstances. They should be able to provide contacts or resources to assist with child care if your family can't.

    You are not evil, stupid or crazy. You have a chronic, progressive, fatal if untreated disease. This will not get better by hoping or waiting. This is going to require hard work on your part, and the willingness to ask for (and accept) help from family and friends. If you have a home group, share your fears and concerns with them. They can be a huge source of support, strength, and help with some of the problems you're facing.

    Let us know what happens after you talk with the peer assistance folks.

    I'm praying for you and your family.

  6. by   Rascal1
    My heart goes out to you. And I can't offer any better words of wisdom than Jack has given you. You and your family are in my prayers. Big hugs to you...:heartbeat
  7. by   martysmiles
    Thoughts and prayers are with you.:heartbeat
  8. by   cjcsoon2bnp
    You've come to the right place. You are taking the steps necessary to get yourself help and get your life back to a place where you are happy and healthy. As I'm sure your aware it won't be easy and you have a rough road ahead of you but your amongst friends and we're here to support you. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk or you just want someone to listen.

  9. by   gr8fulnrs
    first thing that came to my mind...have you called your sponsor? if you dont have one, get one a.s.a.p. a sponsor will be found in the 12-step rooms. get as many people in your corner for support. if you can't relay on your immediate family for support,your new found friends in the program of NA will hang on to you until you can carry yourself. its never too late to speak up for yourself. as
    addicts, we usually wait until the bottom has completely fallen out before asking for help. thats how we do it. its never to late to start taking
    action to regain your life. and remember..nothing changes if nothing changes.