I just wanted to post some thoughts about this journey. I am about 10 months away from being done with this nightmare of TPAPN. I will have a clean license pending any issues prior to finishing. I have been sober over 2 years. My drug was alcohol, nothing else "did it" for me or I am sure I would have been addicted to other things as well. I was at my low in Sept 2015, showing up to my night shift after a bottle of wine or some vodka in my water bottle. I could not get through the day without drinking. I was in my mid 30s with young kids, a husband who loved me, a new house, great car, great job, everything going my way. And yet, I was a drunk. Why? I really don't know.
I believe most of us addicts start out struggling with mental health issues and find our poison when we are trying to manager our anxiety or depression. I have been working in psych since my fall from grace in 2015 (entering TPAPN) and I see it SO much. I took the first job offered to me in TPAPN, which was actually the first I applied for. It was a nightmare psych job with so many safety issues. But I gritted my teeth and did over a year there. If not for the wonderful people I worked with I would not have made it. Most did not know I was in monitoring. It is good to have people like that around when you are working in such a labile environment. I believe the lack of jobs offered to us TPAPNer's is a big factor in why so many don't make it. It is slim pickens. Those who hire us cannot find anyone that is willing to work in the conditions we do. (I know this is not the case all the time, but I believe it to be true for the majority of the time). I have been at another facility for almost a year now, but it is the same really. Just fancier on the outside!
I will be honest. I am SO SO SO sick of working in psych. I am so sad because I believe I will have a hard time moving back to critical care nursing when I am out of TPAPN. How do I explain 3 years in psych... I really don't know.
I know, I need to be grateful and thank the gods above for even having a job. I still don't deserve one after what I did, right? That's what I am still led to believe. Will we ever actually be deserving to care for patients again? How long do we need to prove ourselves? Are we done when we are out of monitoring? How do I help others in my shoes in the future? I feel like we care for so many, and yet we are often hung out to dry by our profession. My greatest fear is a false positive. I know I am sober, but who will believe me if I pop positive? It is so scary. Do our case managers know how scared we are? Does it even matter? What is the solution?
Anyway, thanks for listening to anyone who reads this. I just needed to vent. There is hope for those starting out. Hang in there. It does get easier but it is still a constant battle. I am tired of the battle. I hope 10 months fly by. Then I don't know what I will do, other than put my sobriety first.
If anyone is new to TPAPN or has questions, I welcome you to PM me. I was so scared when I started and am happy to answer some questions or give you some encouragement.
