I blew it......

Nurses Recovery

Published

Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.

It was twenty-one years, eight months, and twenty-nine days that I'd racked up in my pursuit of lifelong sobriety. I hadn't taken a drink in all that time......not even through losses and illness and bankruptcies and heartbreak. I knew I wasn't bulletproof---I've always known that the only thing between me and disaster was a single sip of ETOH---but I really believed I'd make it through the rest of my days without using intoxicants to numb myself.

I was wrong.

All it took, in fact, was a serious argument with a close family member. I didn't actually drink, but I violated my abstinence every bit as much as I would have if I'd picked up a bottle of Jack Daniel's and started chugging it. Same old reason, same old story: I simply didn't want to FEEL. Only the "p'ison" was different.

Just like in my drinking days, no real physical harm resulted; I merely slept for the next 15 hours and scared the daylights out of my husband---the same man who used to watch over me to make sure I was breathing. I don't know what will happen to his faith in me; all I know is that it took him years to be able to trust me after I stopped drinking.

The motive for this selfish, impulsive act doesn't matter now; the reason I'm sharing this is because I don't want ANYONE with an addiction problem to make the mistake of thinking they're invincible. I've seen it both here at AN and out in the world too many times: people who call themselves "recovered" addicts, "recovered" alcoholics.

I'm here to tell you that there is no such thing. I went almost 22 YEARS without touching a drop of alcohol---I don't even take the wine at Communion---or getting intoxicated in any way; if someone as tough-minded as I can be drawn off-course, it can happen to anybody. And it is so not worth it.......now I not only have to start all over again, I've got to come clean with my support team and my psychiatrist, or the guilt will be even worse than it is right now.

I'm not going to beat myself up over this for very long. But I am sorry beyond belief for disappointing my family and friends, and most of all myself.

Four days and counting......

0 Votes

You are not under contract with BON are you? If not thank God or it would be even worse. I am sorry for your relapse, but 1 day at a time cause that's all we have. Good luck

0 Votes
Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.

No. I stopped drinking years before I ever even heard of a Board of Nursing, thank God.

This is a one-off thing. I don't EVER want to do anything like it again, but now I know I can't promise forever. Maybe that's the lesson I needed to learn.

0 Votes

Thank God that would have only added to your nightmare.

0 Votes

Hugs, Viva.

0 Votes
Specializes in ortho, hospice volunteer, psych,.

Sometimes we all need a reminder that we're mere mortals after all. Not a one of us is perfect or immune from making one more mistake in this life. All you can do sometimes is begin again and quit beating yourself up.

0 Votes

Hugs to you Viva.

You've done it, you 'owned' it, and you have learned from it. while i'm sure you are totally disappointed in yourself, don't be too hard on yourself. As the others have said, we are but mere mortals. We ALL make mistakes, do things we know we shouldn't in the spur of the moment or as a dumb 'fix' to an easily fixable problem.

I'm wishing you the best and keeping you in my thoughts. You can't promise forever but you can promise to try your very, very best.

Again, big hugs to you.

0 Votes
Specializes in Correctional, QA, Geriatrics.

First thing given all that has been heaped upon you over the last 2 years something was bound to break or, at least, get severly bent. Your sobriety was the something. Now comes the hardest part of all: you must forgive yourself for being falliable, for having the desire to simply not feel or deal or anticipate. It happened, you have realized that you must remember nothing is forever and that sobriety is a moment by moment process. I feel confident that everyone else in your life has already or will readily forgive you. Please try to see this lapse as a gift in disguise; a call to live fully in the moment, to allow yourself some kind of outlet for the stress, to remember to seek solace from your higher power.

Marla you are loved. Allow yourself to be human and let others show you their love. You don't always have to be the strong one.

Hugs.

0 Votes
Specializes in Na.
It was twenty-one years, eight months, and twenty-nine days that I'd racked up in my pursuit of lifelong sobriety. I hadn't taken a drink in all that time......not even through losses and illness and bankruptcies and heartbreak. I knew I wasn't bulletproof---I've always known that the only thing between me and disaster was a single sip of ETOH---but I really believed I'd make it through the rest of my days without using intoxicants to numb myself.

I was wrong.

All it took, in fact, was a serious argument with a close family member. I didn't actually drink, but I violated my abstinence every bit as much as I would have if I'd picked up a bottle of Jack Daniel's and started chugging it. Same old reason, same old story: I simply didn't want to FEEL. Only the "p'ison" was different.

Just like in my drinking days, no real physical harm resulted; I merely slept for the next 15 hours and scared the daylights out of my husband---the same man who used to watch over me to make sure I was breathing. I don't know what will happen to his faith in me; all I know is that it took him years to be able to trust me after I stopped drinking.

The motive for this selfish, impulsive act doesn't matter now; the reason I'm sharing this is because I don't want ANYONE with an addiction problem to make the mistake of thinking they're invincible. I've seen it both here at AN and out in the world too many times: people who call themselves "recovered" addicts, "recovered" alcoholics.

I'm here to tell you that there is no such thing. I went almost 22 YEARS without touching a drop of alcohol---I don't even take the wine at Communion---or getting intoxicated in any way; if someone as tough-minded as I can be drawn off-course, it can happen to anybody. And it is so not worth it.......now I not only have to start all over again, I've got to come clean with my support team and my psychiatrist, or the guilt will be even worse than it is right now.

I'm not going to beat myself up over this for very long. But I am sorry beyond belief for disappointing my family and friends, and most of all myself.

Four days and counting......

Vegas,

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. We're all human and make mistakes . Try not to beat yourself up too much. "There but the grace of god, go I"

We're here for you and thank you for sharing.

0 Votes
Specializes in Acute Care, Rehab, Palliative.

((((((((hugs))))))))))

Don't be too hard on yourself. We all mess up. Take care.

0 Votes
Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.

I gave my husband the pills last night. Now that I've had that 'taste' of intoxication again, I find myself wanting more and THAT is dangerous. Not sure what's going on with me---my stress burden is relatively low and my mood remains stable---but I like txredheadnurse's rationale.......it make sense even to me.

Anyway, I asked him to put them away and to give me ONE if I ask for it. The irony is I hardly ever use them, not even for breakthrough anxiety, but I have about 80 of them and I don't trust myself anymore. Besides, I know my p-doc will probably insist on my not having access, so I might as well be proactive. Hubby told me he was proud of me. :) And truth be told, I'm sort of proud of myself too.

Five days and counting....

0 Votes
Specializes in Na.

That's great!! You are healthier just by your actions. Good for you!!

0 Votes
+ Add a Comment