It was twenty-one years, eight months, and twenty-nine days that I'd racked up in my pursuit of lifelong sobriety. I hadn't taken a drink in all that time......not even through losses and illness and bankruptcies and heartbreak. I knew I wasn't bulletproof---I've always
known that the only thing between me and disaster was a single sip of ETOH---but I really believed I'd make it through the rest of my days without using intoxicants to numb myself.
I was wrong.
All it took, in fact, was a serious argument with a close family member. I didn't actually drink
, but I violated my abstinence every bit as much as I would have if I'd picked up a bottle of Jack Daniel's and started chugging it. Same old reason, same old story: I simply didn't want to FEEL. Only the "p'ison" was different.
Just like in my drinking days, no real physical harm resulted; I merely slept for the next 15 hours and scared the daylights out of my husband---the same man who used to watch over me to make sure I was breathing. I don't know what will happen to his faith in me; all I know is that it took him years
to be able to trust me after I stopped drinking.
The motive for this selfish, impulsive act doesn't matter now; the reason I'm sharing this is because I don't want ANYONE
with an addiction problem to make the mistake of thinking they're invincible. I've seen it both here at AN and out in the world too many times: people who call themselves "recovered" addicts, "recovered" alcoholics.
I'm here to tell you that there is no such thing.
I went almost 22 YEARS without touching a drop of alcohol---I don't even take the wine at Communion---or getting intoxicated in any way; if someone as tough-minded as I can be drawn off-course, it can happen to anybody. And it is so
not worth it.......now I not only have to start all over again, I've got to come clean with my support team and my psychiatrist, or the guilt will be even worse than it is right now.
I'm not going to beat myself up over this for very long. But I am sorry beyond belief for disappointing my family and friends, and most of all myself.
Four days and counting......