I blew it......

Nurses Recovery

Published

It was twenty-one years, eight months, and twenty-nine days that I'd racked up in my pursuit of lifelong sobriety. I hadn't taken a drink in all that time......not even through losses and illness and bankruptcies and heartbreak. I knew I wasn't bulletproof---I've always known that the only thing between me and disaster was a single sip of ETOH---but I really believed I'd make it through the rest of my days without using intoxicants to numb myself.

I was wrong.

All it took, in fact, was a serious argument with a close family member. I didn't actually drink, but I violated my abstinence every bit as much as I would have if I'd picked up a bottle of Jack Daniel's and started chugging it. Same old reason, same old story: I simply didn't want to FEEL. Only the "p'ison" was different.

Just like in my drinking days, no real physical harm resulted; I merely slept for the next 15 hours and scared the daylights out of my husband---the same man who used to watch over me to make sure I was breathing. I don't know what will happen to his faith in me; all I know is that it took him years to be able to trust me after I stopped drinking.

The motive for this selfish, impulsive act doesn't matter now; the reason I'm sharing this is because I don't want ANYONE with an addiction problem to make the mistake of thinking they're invincible. I've seen it both here at AN and out in the world too many times: people who call themselves "recovered" addicts, "recovered" alcoholics.

I'm here to tell you that there is no such thing. I went almost 22 YEARS without touching a drop of alcohol---I don't even take the wine at Communion---or getting intoxicated in any way; if someone as tough-minded as I can be drawn off-course, it can happen to anybody. And it is so not worth it.......now I not only have to start all over again, I've got to come clean with my support team and my psychiatrist, or the guilt will be even worse than it is right now.

I'm not going to beat myself up over this for very long. But I am sorry beyond belief for disappointing my family and friends, and most of all myself.

Four days and counting......

Viva, thank you so much for sharing your story! It is a reminder for me not to become comfortable in my program and sobriety. We never have too much sobriety to be threatened by relapse. Best of luck to you! And again thank you!

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Specializes in pediatrics; PICU; NICU.

Thank you so much for sharing this, Viva! I think those of us with addictions need to be reminded sometimes that we are not invincible.

The subject of relapse has been on my mind for several months because in 3 weeks I'm having knee replacement surgery. I hate the fact that I will need narcotics afterward. I know they'll be controlled in the hospital but I've decided they will be controlled when I go home, too. I'm going to let my husband hold onto them & only give them to me at proper intervals. This way I won't have access to them to just take whenever. I've been sober almost 25 years & the thought of relapse scares me because I know it can happen to anyone.

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so, you are "back on the horse." now you will do the next 21 years the same way as the last.....one day at a time. take care

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Specializes in adult health , critical care.

Viva, I know you will be even stronger from this relapse . You are an inspiration for us on here and I know I and others look forward to your articles and advice on a regular basis. You will recover from this and don't be so hard on yourself.You have had a lot of stress and personal issues from what I have read from your posts. It's over now move on and get back to work ! The world needs you so get the rest and help you need and keep going One Day at a Time ?.

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Specializes in Psychiatric Nursing.

Your honesty and insight will get you through. And don't forget 12 step programs recommend 90 meetings in 90 days. Best wishes..

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Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.

Thank you, all, for your support. I actually hadn't even thought about going to a meeting.....haven't been to AA in over 20 years. It's bad enough I have to go in Monday and tell my p-doc what happened, even though I know he won't judge me any harsher than AA members would. But I'd probably do well to go back to a 12-step program for awhile, anyway. I appreciate the suggestion. :yes:

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Viva, I am new to the site but your story resonated with me. I had 4 yrs and I relapsed last week. I also am dual diagnosis, bipolar and opiate addiction. During a medication change I used opiates. Unlike you I have very little stress in my life and I should have been more careful and attentive to my program. Please don't be so hard on yourself it could have been much worse. I've reconnected with a good support system and will start inpt treatment at a dual diagnosis facility next week and I feel very fortunate to get another chance. Remember the serenity prayer is very calming, I will be praying for you and your husband and I look forward to your posts.

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Specializes in pediatrics; PICU; NICU.

Welcome, ER/Trauma Nurse!

I hope your time in rehab goes well.

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Viva, life has been rough over the last few years. No that isn't an excuse and doesn't make this ok, but it does mean you need to cut yourself a break. As mentioned before you do not always have to be the strong one, we all have weak moments. You recognize it was wrong and you are being honest and upfront about it. Forgive yourself.

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Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.
Viva, I am new to the site but your story resonated with me. I had 4 yrs and I relapsed last week. I also am dual diagnosis, bipolar and opiate addiction. During a medication change I used opiates. Unlike you I have very little stress in my life and I should have been more careful and attentive to my program. Please don't be so hard on yourself it could have been much worse. I've reconnected with a good support system and will start inpt treatment at a dual diagnosis facility next week and I feel very fortunate to get another chance. Remember the serenity prayer is very calming, I will be praying for you and your husband and I look forward to your posts.

Thank you for writing, and Welcome to Allnurses! I hope your stay in rehab is helpful.....I'd appreciate it if you could let us know how it works out for you when you can. I've never been inpatient (although I've come pretty darned close to it a couple of times) but am curious as to how such a program works.

Your honesty is refreshing. So many people never take responsibility for their issues; of course, nobody asks to be dually diagnosed, but we still have to try to fix it the best way we can. Good on you for taking the initiative. I wish you the best. :yes:

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Specializes in Main O.R. and CVOR.

thanks for sharing Viva. we are all human.....

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Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.

I was right......saw my doctor Monday, and he thought some 12-step meetings would be a good thing. He agreed that my not having access to the Ativan was wise, but that if I were ever to give my husband grief over it at some point, HE would step in and be the bad cop. He also "prescribed" twice-weekly attendance at Mass, as he said I am a "woman of faith who needs to re-immerse yourself in that faith, because it's so much a part of who you are." He advised me to go to Confession as well.

Not exactly the most conventional prescriptions, to be sure, but then he's an integrative healer who studies his patients very intently to know what makes them tick. This is the same guy who gave me the choice between taking medical leave and going inpatient last spring, and who literally wrote an RX for a day trip to the beach. (That was probably more restorative than any pill......not to mention cheaper than my AP.)

He's not just good at what he does, he's scary good. I've been going to him for less than two years, and yet he knows more about me than my parents ever learned in 30. I don't know if that speaks particularly well of him, or particularly ill of them, but it's the honest truth. He remembers details about me that I merely glossed over months ago or even longer, and knows how to knock down my defenses without making me feel like I'm under siege. NO ONE has ever been able to do that before.

So I'm feeling much better about things now, even though I still wish I hadn't done the evil deed. The more time that goes by, the sillier the whole episode seems to have been, and my primary emotion about it is embarrassment. Now I get to find out where our local AA meetings are (been over 20 years since I went to one), not just because I need to go, but because I know I'll be held accountable for it. Which just goes to prove that it really doesn't matter how old we get.....sometimes, we need someone who cares, but who'll put up with only so much of our BS before planting a boot in our backsides. :whistling:

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