Frustrated

[wish_me_luck, BSN, RN]

Hi,

This is a vent...so, I am such a little health nut (most of the time, but have been eating and drinking stuff lately that can pack on the pounds), so I order salads a lot. Well, I have been avoiding vinaigrette because of possible alcohol content. I thought honey mustard was a safe bet. Well, Chick-Fil-A's honey mustard has white wine vinegar in it. I did not use it, but then I thought back to my salad at the Cracker Barrel and the honey mustard on it. I am scared now because the next day I had a drug test and now, I am afraid I will test positive because of possible alcohol containing ingredients that I didn't know about. I am tired of being afraid and trying so hard in this program.

And then, there's the Board order. It is now online. I don't expand upon what I have mental illness wise, but now it's out there for everyone to see. A part of me died when I saw it online (I felt like I had been "outed"). I have to admit, for a split second, I thought about turning in my license and asking them to take the order down, just so my diagnoses are not out there.

I am looking for a part time job and I found a couple I am going to apply for that I am qualified for. I thought about it. If I can get one or both of those jobs and keep the jobs I already have...I am tempted to relinquish my license. I hate admitting that. I love having my nursing license, but I want acceptance. And unfortunately, health care providers don't have that.

I want a career field that I can be happy in and that people (including my co-workers and peers) accept me in.

I feel awful because I love people and truly wanted to help them. I also wanted a specialty that makes less than your average nurse. Nursing, for me, was not a money making job. I just loved people, wanted a career that would challenge me and that I would never stop learning in, and wanted to change the community for the better.

It is the moments like this that I tell God "if You want me to be a nurse, You will have to get me through this because I am about to give up".

[unreal RN, ASN, RN]

WML,

I don't know how long your agreement is for, but it's going to be a LONG arduous process if you continue obsessing over the teenie tiny amounts of alcohol you are exposed to on a daily basis. It's good to be aware enough to not consume foods, sauces, meds, etc. that you know contain alcohol, but this obsessing is going to seriously affect your quality of life I'm afraid.

I'm sorry about the board order. It's terrible that you or any other nurse should have their diagnosis posted online for everyone to see. It's not right and it's truly not anyone's business what your diagnosis is. It should be enough to have the fact that your license is held, disciplined, suspended, whatever, without posting what should be confidential information. The board can "protect" the public from nurses without posting a diagnosis. Makes absolutely no sense and it shouldn't be allowed.

[wish_me_luck, BSN, RN]

Yeah, I know. I am just afraid that the amount of possible alcohol in certain vinegar, which I try hard to avoid, will make me test positive even though I have not drank in a little over 6 months.

I literally cried and cried and cried when I saw my diagnoses posted online. I never thought it would hurt that much for people to know what I have. I will say this, what I have is an illness that other people tend to dehumanize people diagnosed with this. That's why I was/am so private about it. I just tell people who need/want to know that I have a mental illness. That's it.

[SouthernPoint]

wish_me_luck

Sorry about your personal business being tossed across the www. But there isn't very much you can do about it. Once your license has had action taken against it, your license will carry that information forever. Maybe you should talk to a compliants office for your BON. They might have some insight on what you can do or if you can even have some of the information blacked out. I honestly don't know, but what is it going to hurt?

As for obessing over everything and anything that has alcohol in it. You are going to end up giving yourself an ulcer or something. You are in contact every day with products that contain alcohol in them. Have you stopped shaving your legs, washing your hair, washing your clothes, washing your dishes or brushing your teeth? I honestly doubt it. I have never had any issue's with alcohol personally and I have not changed my hygiene or eating habits since I have entered into my states program. I have had 50+ uds and not 1 positive screen. I do what I need to do on a daily basis and work my program like I need to.

Sorry if this comes across rude, but honestly obessing over it, is only going to effect your recovery and I know I no one here wants to see that. Just stay strong and positive. We are here for you. PM me anytime if you need someone to talk with.

SP

[VivaLasViejas, ASN, RN]

"Obsessing" over seemingly minute details is a common occurrence among those of us with mental illness and addiction issues, and really isn't something that one can just 'snap out of'. Yes, we do tend to over-think things, and no, it doesn't solve anything, but when we're going through the acute stage of a personal disaster, everything is magnified, and we need support, not criticism.

I totally relate to what the OP must be feeling. I can all too easily imagine the humiliation of logging in to my state's BON website and finding my diagnoses posted there......why ever would a prospective employer want to hire me after checking my license status and discovering my psychiatric history?

wish_me_luck, you know where I am if you need to vent privately. I am so sorry you're going through this. Many (((((HUGS))))) to you.

[morte, LPN, LVN]

What is the Alcohol Content of Vinegar? What Should I Use Instead of Vinegar?: Ask Dr. Gourmet

according to this site, there is ~ one drop of alcohol in a tablespoon of vinegar. There is a lot less than a tablespoon of vinegar in that mustard sauce, and it was heated in processing..... However, I do understand your concern. On the posting of your diagnosis, do you have a lawyer you can trust that could do some checking, to see if this is legal?

[geminiBSN75]

Are you serious????

[wish_me_luck, BSN, RN]

Yes, I am. I have no idea if that was a sympathetic comment, but yes, it was a shock seeing my diagnosis with my name online on the BON license look up. It can be accessed by anyone.

[goofeegirl]

I understand the issue behind focusing on whether or not you'll test positive. I had a trace positive for alcohol within a couple of months of my entering aftercare and I had to go in front of the steering committee and face a panel of professionals when I didn't drink. The only thing I could think of was the hand sanitizer in my new job. I saw about 40 patients a day and used the sanitizer twice in between each patient. Thankfully, I was placed on probation and had 3 drug screens (instead of 2) per month for 3 months as a precaution.

As for your disease being outed, there's not much you can do. Public consents are permanent in the state of GA and unfortunately go with the territory of addiction. However, it sounds like yours is a mental health issue and I'm surprised that the BON posted it for everyone to see. Did your issue affect your job somehow and you got reported by your employer?

I'm so sorry. Hang in there.

[Bethrn73]

It's got to be illegal to post your dx to the public? I don't think I'm stupid but doesn't this violate hippaa? The alcohol thing, it's done. I think companies will keep you as an employee (legal obligation from the state) but you have to pass a series of drug testing, which won't be a problem for you and start carrying your own dressing, if possible? Hang in there and tell us how it goes. Good Luck!

[wish_me_luck, BSN, RN]

Yes, mine is alcohol and a mental health issue. Both disclosed. No job issue, just was honest on application. I know they have to disclose it because of the law in VA, but it just was a shock and painful to see online. It's not illegal in VA because of something in the Code of VA that allows/makes them disclose it--public info. The staff is nice at the VA BON, but I just don't disclose what I have to people. I leave it at "I have a mental illness." when they need to know/ask. Nothing else. So, it was painful to see something most people don't know I have, online.

[mona1023]

In my state, the Board Orders are very detailed, including all psychiatric diagnoses (all substance abuse/dependence diagnoses are psychiatric disorders) and a thorough listing of any problems that nurse has ever had while employed in nursing.I have seen things listed that are 15years old. There is no statue of limitations.

So everything about a person's life, with name and full address is available for anyone to view forevor. To the OP, no one can truly understand how traumatic that is unless it is their life exposed on the internet.

The good news is this experience can help you get stronger. My feelings of powerlessness were overwhelming when my Board order came out, but this greatly improved my relationship with God, as I looked to him to help me through my feelings. That pain has also reminded me why I never want to return to active addiction again.

Best wishes to you.