I agree...change the screen name. This sounds so trite but it's true...we become what we think.
I felt the same way you do right now. It's normal and part of the disease. In early recovery (the first 18 months to 2 years) your brain chemistry is so messed up as a result of the chronic misuse of chemicals that it affects your mood, thoughts and decision making. Abstinence allows the brain to begin to recuperate but it takes time. And unfortunately, time takes time!
Guilt is the emotion we feel when we have done something that adversely affects someone (including ourselves). It tells us there is a problem in our relationship with someone (including ourselves) that needs to be repairedd. In this respect, guilt is a healthy emotion that helps us make amends and strengthen the bonds of the relationship.
Shame is the emotion we experience when we believe we are evil,ugly, slime on the bottom of the deepest abyss in the universe. In other words, we ARE the problem.
Guilt helps us repair and strengthen relationships, shame prevents us from forming relationships and destroys us from within.
You have a chronic, progressive disease called addiction. The target organ is the brain. The signs and symptoms of the disease are the negative emotions and behaviors which occur as a result of the chemical and structural changes in the most primitive areas of our brain. These areas are responsible for 2 things...keeping us alive and propagating the species. These areas are responsible for motivation and decision making on a subconscious level. They are most commonly called survival instincts. Any activity that the brain interprets as necessary for staying alive and keeping the species going is rewarded with a jolt of dopamine resulting in a pleasurable, rewarding sensation in order to repeat the activity. The stronger the stimulation, the more dopamine is released, the more pleasure we experience. Some of the natural stimulants include food, water, sex, caring for our children, doing a good job, participating in exercise or a favorite sport, etc.
In genetically susceptible people (like you, me, and every other addict), taking a mood altering substance (especially the class of our "drug of choice") directly stimulate the release of dopamine in the primitive areas of our brain. The more potent the substance, the more dopamine is released and the more pleasure we feel. It also assures that we will repeat the use of the substance. As time goes on, the brain changes and now the use is no longer voluntary. The brain literally believes it requires this substance to survive. Everything else false by the wayside. Natural activities that used to provide this stimulation, like sex, food, and caring for our children (or anyone for that matter) lose their ability to motivate us to participate in those activities. The only thing the brain believes will keep it alive and propagating is the drug. That's why we lose weight, don't sleep, stop making love, etc.
This is also why an intervention is required to get the person into treatment. When we ask a loved one or colleague with addiction to stop using and enter treatment, it's like we're telling them to stop breathing and get in the casket. No one IN THEIR RIGHT MIND would do that! Therein lies the problem. Non-addicts have no idea how powerful the urge to use becomes once the gene for addiction is activated. They continue to think the addict is still in control and has "decided" the drugs are more important. The reality is, the brain thinks they are necessary for survival and will do anything to get the next dose. Try to stop breathing, voluntarily, for 5 minutes. At some point, no matter how hard you try, you WILL take a breath. The brain will do anything and everything it can to get you to breath! For the addict in active disease, the drug has the same importance as breathing. This is why trying to recover by shear force of will is destined to fail.
You are not a bad person trying to become good...you have a potentially fatal disease and you are trying to become healthy. You can become healthy, but you'll need help from your family of recovering addicts....US (and your 12 Step families as well).
We love you...