Re: Need some support because of fear of failing
Congrats for getting through your first round of schooling.!!!!!!
I became an RN in 1982. I was gung-ho!!!!! and ready to climb mountains. By 1995 I felt like a mountain had fallen on me. I was declared disabled in 1998. I was quite ill, with Fibromyalgia, CFIDS, you name it, I got it. In 2001 I went to the ER with a temp of 104, knowing that if someone didn't do something for me I was going to die. Luckily for me, one of my private docs was in the Er and I claimed him. He saved my life by doing a huge amount of testing and finally opening up my belly. I was full of MRSA e coli, of course.... Ten months later, one more round of surgery, this time, a sub total colectomy. After those two surgeries, I started to really get better. I prayed that someone would hire me after being off for 5 years on disability. I spent around six months being turned down, and then came THE job I wanted so much; back in the OR, again and finally!
The first year was awful; I was exhausted all the time, had to learn about five years of changes on the fly, etc. I got better and better, stronger and stronger, lost weight, took the dog for long walks and was fortunate enough to buy a house.
Were there periods of doubt? Oh yes, even suicidal ideation bouts, anxiety if I could really and truly come back full fledged. I did it. It was tough but worth it.
I was really making a good job out of it and so happy and delighted.
A patient fell on me in 2006 and three years later I find myself still in the same pain that I was in that day. I'm out of shape, have put on weight, have had the whole depressive thing all over again, and wonder if I can find a job that I can do. It's pretty obvious that I have to leave my beloved OR- and indeed, most of nursing, unless but some chance I can actually get exactly the right treatment to straighten out my back....
I'm looking for other jobs, hoping that I can stay in my hospital system, because I really like it here.
And just like you, I'm faced with the old message---If you don't try, you'll never know. If you don't know, you'll doubt yourself forever. I imagine that I'll have to go back to school, take some kind of certificate exam and the whole nine yards, but I just have to do better than I am now!
Thanks for sharing your fears and triumphs. I appreciate reading what you had to say and all the encouragement you got along the way.
We may be physically broken in one way or another, but at the same time, I think that people who have chronic challenges work so hard to make it look normal......we are tough folks.
Again, hugs and applause for your accomplishment.
Helga
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