What She Couldn't Tell You - page 7

We've all met this type of mom before. It's 2330, her 8 year old daughter is struggling to breathe, and you know for a fact you saw them two weeks ago for the same thing. You also know for a fact you... Read More

  1. Visit  LadyFree28 profile page
    3
    Quote from Conqueror+
    I have often wondered why some women (I say women because that is my scope of reference) can walk into a room and be attracted to the ONE man that will abuse them. Why some women can go to a millionaire's conference and hookup with the one man that won't buy them a cup of coffee.
    That same man showered gifts, then gradually and eventually pulls back-economic abuse and emotional abuse.


    Abusers are controlling monsters who can imprison you.
    And can be pillars of the community, well liked people who one "never thought would" abuse.

    The question that we often don't ask is why the woman CHOSE them at some point. Why did you have the 3rd, 4th, and 5th child?
    See economic abuse (no birth control) and sexual abuse, and emotional abuse.

    Why did you leave him and choose another one JUST like him ?
    Chance are some women repeat and find someone who does abuse again; patten of behavior from enduring abuse; that's why there is a rationale for "battered women syndrome"; It's not called that anymore; however, with the right support and counseling, a woman (or man) can break the cycle; I am a testament to that; I am marrying a man that has the upmost respect support for me and our relationship; has lost a sister to DV; funny how life works out for the better.

    There is something wrong with him for his behavior and you for choosing him.
    Sometimes both behaviors are caused my socio emotional sensitivities; please see my post about the Stanford Experiment; although controversial; I truly believe that people can be driven to do just about anything or accept anything, even the strip search prank calls are a horrid example of complying with someone who one thinks has the "power"...

    Some people do choose the victim role over and over. Some leave and meet a good person and cannot function in a relationship where they aren't mistreated.
    Pretty broad brush here; it's not so black and white...as you see; I have provided examples.

    I also implore people to check out my favorite movie that really snapped me out of my situation; "Gaslight" with Ingrid Bergman; it shows how a "charming" man can attempt to transform a woman by knowing this woman's vulnerabilities; it uses the term "Gaslighting" in the title; basically what emotional abusers love to do to their victims; feel free to wiki the movie and the term.
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  3. Visit  FranEMTnurse profile page
    2
    I agree that judgment has no place in nursing. Judgment is condemnation.
    Anderson11 and poppycat like this.
  4. Visit  BlueDevil,DNP profile page
    8
    And consider this: when you judge, you become yet another victimizer. Don't do that. Reach out to the wounded and be a hero instead. S/he cannot do it alone. Put your money where your mouth i and DO something.
  5. Visit  linzarelli profile page
    1
    This is amazing. Thank you. Yet another example of what what my nursing school psych instructor pleaded us to take away having unconditional positive regard for patients. You may never know what they are going through or what they have been through.
    duckydot28 likes this.
  6. Visit  duckydot28 profile page
    0
    Maintaining health is simple and easy, until real life gets in the way. Thanks for the reminder.
  7. Visit  Anderson11 profile page
    1
    Unbelivable ignorance from some people who are apparently nurses here. Please visit Safe Horizon and educate yourselves. Why oh why are you questioning the victims choices? The perpetrator is who should be questioned. Also the stereotyping referring to women who " have three and four kids with their abuser", really disgusting and out of touch with reality. Very scary that people like you are working as nurses. Yes a victim who has a documented abusuve relationship could face child endangerment charges should an incident occur when children are awake, I know the law you ignorant people don't. As well as safe horizon go and take a look at the District Attorney's website advocating for victims of abuse. There's a reason why the city prosecutes the abuser and takes away the choice from the victim, the victim has no choice if an abuser is prosecuted. There's a reason the city takes away this choice from the victim, because of fear, because stigma, because of ignorant people like you perpetuating that stigma. Go tell the DA these victims deserve everything they get since you think you know better than the law.
    SmilingBluEyes likes this.
  8. Visit  Anderson11 profile page
    1
    Also the DA provides counseling free for a reason, if you could peak into a women's group run by the DA you'd see women from all walks of life, culture, socio economic status etc. The majority of abusers are psychopaths, please take a look at Robert Hare's psychopath checklist. These psychopaths are expert at seeking out vulnerable 'prey'. They are also expert actors, they have us all fooled, we likely have known one and never realized it. That is all, this thread is old but I couldn't leave it with that display of ignorance representing nursing.
    SmilingBluEyes likes this.
  9. Visit  RescueNinjaKy profile page
    2
    People please understand that those who are abused are not in the same mentality as a "normal" person. It is easy for all the popcorn snackers to say if you have a child, the child is first or if she stays she's worse because she is raising her child in that environment. This is a person who has been torn apart mentally, emotionally, and physically. To expect them to get out because they have a kid is just being insensitive. They are injured, they are frightened. Is it the right thing for them to do to stay? No, but we cannot blame them. After the abuse and trauma they've been through, it is hard for then to be rational. Heck we have supposed fully rational patients that refuse treatment when we all know they shouldn't.

    The child is innocent and deserve better (momma too), but the mother is, for a lack of a better word, sick mentally and emotionally. That trauma got then crippled and we as nurses gotta be the physical therapist that helps them stand back up.

    And it irks me that there are some of you who say if she don't ask for help we can't help them. Well I say full of crap. What do you think support is? You guide them, you tell them they don't deserve the abuse, you tell them that there are options, that they can be safe, you provide empathy and patience. You support them. That is called helping, and guess what, you can do all that, even if they don't ask for it. You just be there for them and support them, and hope that they will get better enough to get out.
    Gooselady and SmilingBluEyes like this.
  10. Visit  Gooselady profile page
    2
    Quote from canigraduate
    Definitely. If my husband is drunk in the car with a gun, I sure as heck am not putting my daughter back in with him so he can kill all three of us. The first thing I would do would be say something and get the cops over there. I have no sympathy for people who actively endanger their children and themselves.
    I know this post is very old, but this sentiment toward victims of abuse is just as common as it ever was, and is pretty much inexcusable for an educated nurse.

    If we took Canigraduate, married her to an abusive man, whom she had a child with, and five years later, she'd be getting in that car with her mouth shut. The very idea of calling the police not once crossing her mind, and if it did, it would be immediately quashed as stupid, dangerous, and more likely to get her killed than being a passenger in the car of her drunk husband. Besides, if they all died, it would be OVER, the pain and despair would finally end.

    Being methodically ridiculed, 'corrected', shouted at, raged at, threatened, isolated and shamed BY SOMEONE YOU LOVE will take the most mentally healthy person and turn them into a wreck.
    SmilingBluEyes and poppycat like this.
  11. Visit  SmilingBluEyes profile page
    2
    Quote from cardiacfreak
    What if the husband is the COP? When someone finds themselves in a domestic violence situation it is very bad, when the offender is a "trusted" police officer it is even worse. The victim is told over and over that he could kill her at anytime and get away with it, because he knows how to do it without leaving any evidence. Anybody see the movie or read about Drew Peterson?
    YEA WHAT IF?

    I can tell ya, as I was previously married to one. Some of them COVER EACH OTHERS' collective ass., that's what. (not all cops so don't ding me here).

    It never starts out "bad". They are charming and sweet in the beginning, tell you everything your insecure self wants to hear. They find you by radar. They know you come from a screwed up background and take full advantage.

    You are like a frog in warming water; it's boiling before you know you are in trouble. AND You are in trouble, deep.

    Escape? Not easy when his cop friends find out where you are and "let it slip" to him.

    Not easy when he comes by your house and threatens to fire-bomb your car.

    Or shoot you with his service revolver or one of the MANY guns in his collection.

    When even his commander stands behind him and says what a "great cop" he is. And I am treated like a "crazy" woman.

    I know about abuse. Grew up horribly abused by my dad (still have anger toward my mom for allowing it----separate issue).

    Escaped only to be in the clutches of a charming psychopath who wooed me off my feet and treated me well -----in the beginning.

    This same charmer knew how to hit and choke me just enough not to leave visible marks.

    If you have not been there, you don't know how it is, so please quit judging. Maybe you know, maybe you don't, but the time you leave the relationship is the most deadly of all.

    Tell ya what: The horrors really started after I left.

    Phone calls all hours----changed my number a few times then disconnected the phone to stop the harassment. This was admittedly before caller-ID and cells phones were not common. He blew up my answering machine with very well-veiled threats, knowing just what to say, not to get in trouble or "sound bad". It was the tone of the voice that was so menacing.

    Banging on my door, screaming, "go ahead, call the cops!". Having to go stay with friends to feel "safe"

    Threats of all kinds, all the time. Written. Verbal. Even approaching my friends in a menacing way.

    At work. At home. Day. Night.

    It's not as easy as anyone thinks---- "just leave him"

    Yea right.

    I am lucky. He lost interest--- He was stupid enough to do this to another woman, and finally, he lost his career as a cop. But I knew I had to get away, cause his anger had to be unbelievable at losing his job. His new wife begged me to testify in court to his treatment of me. I just could not handle it. I had to tell her I could not do it.

    Yes I feel guilty. But I was in fear for my life.

    I did get away. Left the state, found a new life, new home, amazing husband who I don't deserve.


    OP: powerful stuff. I relate and appreciate your essay!!! May you be STRONG always.
    Last edit by SmilingBluEyes on Mar 21
    poppycat and Gooselady like this.
  12. Visit  SmilingBluEyes profile page
    0
    And I do not care how old the essay is, it's relevant. So very relevant.
  13. Visit  Gooselady profile page
    2
    Quote from SmilingBluEyes
    YEA WHAT IF?

    I can tell ya, as I was previously married to one. Some of them COVER EACH OTHERS' collective ass., that's what. (not all cops so don't ding me here).

    It never starts out "bad". They are charming and sweet in the beginning, tell you everything your insecure self wants to hear. They find you by radar. They know you come from a screwed up background and take full advantage.

    You are like a frog in warming water; it's boiling before you know you are in trouble. AND You are in trouble, deep.

    Escape? Not easy when his cop friends find out where you are and "let it slip" to him.

    Not easy when he comes by your house and threatens to fire-bomb your car.

    Or shoot you with his service revolver or one of the MANY guns in his collection.

    When even his commander stands behind him and says what a "great cop" he is. And I am treated like a "crazy" woman.

    I know about abuse. Grew up horribly abused by my dad (still have anger toward my mom for allowing it----separate issue).

    Escaped only to be in the clutches of a charming psychopath who wooed me off my feet and treated me well -----in the beginning.

    This same charmer knew how to hit and choke me just enough not to leave visible marks.

    If you have not been there, you don't know how it is, so please quit judging. Maybe you know, maybe you don't, but the time you leave the relationship is the most deadly of all.

    Tell ya what: The horrors really started after I left.

    Phone calls all hours----changed my number a few times then disconnected the phone to stop the harassment. This was admittedly before caller-ID and cells phones were not common. He blew up my answering machine with very well-veiled threats, knowing just what to say, not to get in trouble or "sound bad". It was the tone of the voice that was so menacing.

    Banging on my door, screaming, "go ahead, call the cops!". Having to go stay with friends to feel "safe"

    Threats of all kinds, all the time. Written. Verbal. Even approaching my friends in a menacing way.

    At work. At home. Day. Night.

    It's not as easy as anyone thinks---- "just leave him"

    Yea right.

    I am lucky. He lost interest--- He was stupid enough to do this to another woman, and finally, he lost his career as a cop. But I knew I had to get away, cause his anger had to be unbelievable at losing his job. His new wife begged me to testify in court to his treatment of me. I just could not handle it. I had to tell her I could not do it.

    Yes I feel guilty. But I was in fear for my life.

    I did get away. Left the state, found a new life, new home, amazing husband who I don't deserve.


    OP: powerful stuff. I relate and appreciate your essay!!! May you be STRONG always.
    Good grief, what a nightmare !! You are lucky to be alive. "Cop-as-abuser" has got to be the worst combination of abuser-mentality (like you said, psychopathic) and civil 'authority' there is.

    You are correct; in your post about how relevant this subject his. It is, unfortunately, timeless. And if you haven't directly experienced it and WORKED THROUGH it psychologically, it is very difficult to understand.

    The people who speak out like Canigraduate and other did are very common, though perhaps most of them know better than to demonstrate their prejudice so openly. When I shared my abusive marriage story the reactions ranged from open, uninformed (that's a nice way to put it) prejudice to more covert statements like 'well . . . why did you let him DO that to you??'

    My conclusion is that most people mean well and it really does baffle them.

    But why the victim is put on the hotseat and questioned belies an even deeper and more cruel prejudice that I believe is shared by most people observing the fall out of domestic violence.

    Why aren't we, as a society, putting the dam abuser on the hotseat? Why do we demand from the victim 'Why didn't you leave??' Why don't we even VERBALIZE similar demands for explanations from the abuser? Yeah, I know, just never thought of it that way, huh!

    I had the same prejudices, and was indeed a nurse for 8 years before I met and married my ex.

    THAT is part of why I had no idea I was in an abusive relationship until it was too late to 'just leave'. I wasn't 'that kind of person who puts up with abuse'. I was much stronger than that kind of woman, I was no wimp, I didn't 'enjoy' being controlled or beaten. I didn't NEED a man so bad I would take any old chump off the street. I felt completely immune.
    SmilingBluEyes and poppycat like this.
  14. Visit  sissiesmama profile page
    2
    Quote from SmilingBluEyes
    YEA WHAT IF?

    I can tell ya, as I was previously married to one. Some of them COVER EACH OTHERS' collective ass., that's what. (not all cops so don't ding me here).

    It never starts out "bad". They are charming and sweet in the beginning, tell you everything your insecure self wants to hear. They find you by radar. They know you come from a screwed up background and take full advantage.

    You are like a frog in warming water; it's boiling before you know you are in trouble. AND You are in trouble, deep.

    Escape? Not easy when his cop friends find out where you are and "let it slip" to him.

    Not easy when he comes by your house and threatens to fire-bomb your car.

    Or shoot you with his service revolver or one of the MANY guns in his collection.

    When even his commander stands behind him and says what a "great cop" he is. And I am treated like a "crazy" woman.

    I know about abuse. Grew up horribly abused by my dad (still have anger toward my mom for allowing it----separate issue).

    Escaped only to be in the clutches of a charming psychopath who wooed me off my feet and treated me well -----in the beginning.

    This same charmer knew how to hit and choke me just enough not to leave visible marks.

    If you have not been there, you don't know how it is, so please quit judging. Maybe you know, maybe you don't, but the time you leave the relationship is the most deadly of all.

    Tell ya what: The horrors really started after I left.

    Phone calls all hours----changed my number a few times then disconnected the phone to stop the harassment. This was admittedly before caller-ID and cells phones were not common. He blew up my answering machine with very well-veiled threats, knowing just what to say, not to get in trouble or "sound bad". It was the tone of the voice that was so menacing.

    Banging on my door, screaming, "go ahead, call the cops!". Having to go stay with friends to feel "safe"

    Threats of all kinds, all the time. Written. Verbal. Even approaching my friends in a menacing way.

    At work. At home. Day. Night.

    It's not as easy as anyone thinks---- "just leave him"

    Yea right.

    I am lucky. He lost interest--- He was stupid enough to do this to another woman, and finally, he lost his career as a cop. But I knew I had to get away, cause his anger had to be unbelievable at losing his job. His new wife begged me to testify in court to his treatment of me. I just could not handle it. I had to tell her I could not do it.

    Yes I feel guilty. But I was in fear for my life.

    I did get away. Left the state, found a new life, new home, amazing husband who I don't deserve.


    OP: powerful stuff. I relate and appreciate your essay!!! May you be STRONG always.
    His! I speak from experience, unfortunately. My second husband was a LEO - he was SO sweet and caring when we dated. We got married and TWO days into our marriage is when mine started. Started out as verbal- but by the time I left and filed for divorce (a whole 11 months) it had escalated to physical. The day I left he slammed my wrist in our front door and fractured it.


    After starting divorce proceedings when they tried to serve him at work his dispatch sup radioed him to tell him to stay away from the station. I had to hire a PI to actually "camp out" in his car most of the night and wait for hubby to come outside to get in his truck when he was leaving to go duck hunting.

    So many are scared to leave because their abuser tells them they will get worse physical abuse if they try to leave, or that she/he won't be able to survive without the abuser or that no other person would take them - they are lucky that the abuser picked them - no other man would do it because they ...

    Anne, RNC
    SmilingBluEyes and poppycat like this.


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