What She Couldn't Tell You - page 3

We've all met this type of mom before. It's 2330, her 8 year old daughter is struggling to breathe, and you know for a fact you saw them two weeks ago for the same thing. You also know for a fact you... Read More

  1. Visit  CountryMomma profile page
    17
    I'd like to thank everyone for their responses. Yes, even the responses that might not have agreed with my point of view, because with that input we were able to achieve what I had hoped - an open dialogue about domestic violence and nursing's responsibility.

    I'd like to say one thing to the few that disapproved of the mother. While I am so glad that you have never had the horrible fortune of being in a "relationship" like this, nor have you been intimately exposed to one, I am saddened that you are unwilling or incapable of sympathy and withholding judgment. The nurse in the story may perhaps be your mirror image.

    To know that some have read this story and were deeply moved or driven to change their nursing practices makes me profoundly grateful.

    That woman was my mother.
    pecas, ToFNPandBeyond, Guttercat, and 14 others like this.
  2. Visit  sapphire18 profile page
    4
    Quote from CountryMomma
    That woman was my mother.
    Ohmygoodness...I did not see that coming...I am so sorry that you and your mother went through that. Thank you so much for sharing your story...for humanizing domestic violence...you can just never know what the person in front of you is dealing with in private.
    poppycat, cardiacfreak, Lev <3, and 1 other like this.
  3. Visit  BCgradnurse profile page
    2
    Quote from Baubo516
    To those that have no sympathy for the woman in this story - I am happy for you, as it shows that you have most likely never suffered physical or psychological abuse. I know from experience that it can be very frustrating to see women in these situations who seem to "refuse to help themselves." But unless we ourselves are in the same situation, we have no way of knowing how it feels. Fear, guilt, depression, low self-esteem - all of these emotions/conditions can be very crippling. Saying "Why doesn't she just go to a shelter?" is the equivalent of telling the patient with severe clinical depression, "Why don't you just snap out of it? Take a shower! Get a job!" It is just not that simple.

    Perhaps think of turning your righteous anger into some kind of purposeful action. Get educated about how to help these women. Then go do it.
    ^^^^ This
    Baubo516 and SageFemmeReveur like this.
  4. Visit  RH_Fan profile page
    3
    This made me tear up. Even more so when you said the women was your mother. It's so heartbreaking and I send hugs to you and anyone that's ever been in that situation.
    Baubo516, HikingEDRN, and poppycat like this.
  5. Visit  lilifrst profile page
    1
    One time I was sleeping and I had a dream about meeting a husband/father like this, and, as the nurse, I was able to play a game with him. It was called "guess what's in the syringe." And I gave him an injection...best dream ever.
    jalyc RN likes this.
  6. Visit  cardiacfreak profile page
    5
    Quote from canigraduate
    Definitely. If my husband is drunk in the car with a gun, I sure as heck am not putting my daughter back in with him so he can kill all three of us. The first thing I would do would be say something and get the cops over there. I have no sympathy for people who actively endanger their children and themselves.
    What if the husband is the COP? When someone finds themselves in a domestic violence situation it is very bad, when the offender is a "trusted" police officer it is even worse. The victim is told over and over that he could kill her at anytime and get away with it, because he knows how to do it without leaving any evidence. Anybody see the movie or read about Drew Peterson?
  7. Visit  SionainnRN profile page
    4
    Quote from cardiacfreak
    What if the husband is the COP? When someone finds themselves in a domestic violence situation it is very bad, when the offender is a "trusted" police officer it is even worse. The victim is told over and over that he could kill her at anytime and get away with it, because he knows how to do it without leaving any evidence. Anybody see the movie or read about Drew Peterson?
    So what's the point? If they never leave, if they're prisoners why bother? Why ask the questions, why have DV shelters, why anything? Because it's not a life sentence, people do leave they do go on, that is why we have all these resources. But unless the people ask for help we can't do anything, we aren't mind readers.
  8. Visit  cardiacfreak profile page
    5
    Quote from SionainnRN
    So what's the point? If they never leave, if they're prisoners why bother? Why ask the questions, why have DV shelters, why anything? Because it's not a life sentence, people do leave they do go on, that is why we have all these resources. But unless the people ask for help we can't do anything, we aren't mind readers.
    Not all people leave, some are killed. You are right, we are not mind readers, but sometimes just taking the extra little step when you suspect DV may actually save a life.
    On admission we ask something along the line of ... violence is an increasing alarm in our community, are you currently a victim of violence or abuse? I have seen multiple nurses ask this when the spouse or s.o. is present, what's the point? I have also asked this question and the patient hesitates, UHHH that right there might be a sign, not always, but sometimes.
    Have I seen women go back to the abuser? Yes, my daughter did it at least four times. Did I call the cops? Sure did and when she denied the abuse to the officer she was hit again because her mother was a nosy bi*@h.
    The relationship finally ended when he gave her an STD and then blamed her for cheating on him (his other girlfriend was pregnant by the way).
    All I am saying is DV is not cut and dry, and I ask all nurses to not pre-judge someone in the situation.
    RH_Fan, MBARNBSN, Baubo516, and 2 others like this.
  9. Visit  EDRN62772 profile page
    3
    Excellent post! A real eye opener all nurses should read and consider! Sometimes we assume other people's situations are similar to our own. However, nothing can be further from the truth. Your topic will serve as a reminder to be very cautious prior to casting judgment on a situation. Even though many ED triage forms include questions regarding patient safety and abuse. Many times the abused person is experiencing tremendous amounts of fear and deny that abuse is occurring. I am certain cases very similar to this one occur more times than we think.
    cardiacfreak, Baubo516, and poppycat like this.
  10. Visit  RNinIN profile page
    7
    Quote from canigraduate
    Definitely. If my husband is drunk in the car with a gun, I sure as heck am not putting my daughter back in with him so he can kill all three of us. The first thing I would do would be say something and get the cops over there. I have no sympathy for people who actively endanger their children and themselves.
    From someone who has been in an abusive relationship, I pray to God that you are never in one, and have no one to give you emotional support. I used to say the same thing until I was there myself. Now, I see how easily a manipulative person can work anyone, strong or weak. Remember, it could happen to you. No matter what you say. I had all the family and financial support in the world. An abuser learns how to shut you off from that. And as far as the felony part, you can't line up services until you are gone from the situation, and not everyone has the finances to leave and wait for the services to kick in. And there aren't shelters in every area. And trust me, not all shelters are safe, if they do exist......It's easy to say "just leave", but 20 years later, I still 'hide' from him.......
    Last edit by RNinIN on Dec 25, '13 : Reason: left out wording/spelling/grammar
    Anderson11, RH_Fan, MBARNBSN, and 4 others like this.
  11. Visit  csereno123 profile page
    3
    How did you as a Nurse intervene and what was the outcome? Have any of you thought about this more in detail and how would you have handled the situation if you were in this Nurse's shoes?
    jalyc RN, Baubo516, and SageFemmeReveur like this.
  12. Visit  SoldierNurse22 profile page
    6
    Quote from CountryMomma
    I'd like to say one thing to the few that disapproved of the mother. While I am so glad that you have never had the horrible fortune of being in a "relationship" like this, nor have you been intimately exposed to one, I am saddened that you are unwilling or incapable of sympathy and withholding judgment. The nurse in the story may perhaps be your mirror image
    .
    Yes, DV is a complicated issue, but in the end, it is that uncomplicated sense of self-preservation that often pulls a woman out of a DV situation. That prevailing logic that canigraduate and sionainnRN reference in their less than popular posts is eventually what saves them, and often times, we find ourselves wishing we had jumped ship earlier, because anyone who's been in a DV situation before knows that it just gets more and more intense the longer you stay.

    I find it ironic that those commenting here seem to assume that because one disagrees with mom's actions, they were never abused themselves. That mirrors the prejudice espoused in the story, perhaps even more so than the original storyline.
  13. Visit  HikingEDRN profile page
    1
    CountryMomma, I hope your mother is in a safer, happier situation now. Thank you for your post. It was a wonderful reminder for me. All the best to you ((hugs)).
    Anderson11 likes this.

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