Wacky things our patients say or think!

  1. Had a patient yesterday who was refusing to sign his consent for a pacemaker. His nurse called the cath lab (where I just happen to work) and asked if one of us could answer a few questions that he had.

    Sweetest, older gentlemen, 75 yrs old, big ears, skinny legs sticking out of his green gown, from the hills (and I mean HILLS!) of Indiana, looking at me very suspiciously. He wanted to know why we were not putting him to sleep to put in his pacemaker. Of course, being the professional I am, I began to state the risks involved with general anesthesia, how the procedure was relatively painless, etc. etc. He listens to my speech, and then says, "I guess I just thought if you were going to take a man's heart out, he just might like to be asleep when ya did."

    "Excuse me? Take your heart out?"

    "Well, ain't that pacemaker thang goin' to take the place of my heart?"

    Of course, after I explained to him that he would very much be keeping his very own heart, he was must more comfortable with just the local. He was a hoot! This is why I love rural nursing!

    A friend of mine in ER had a woman one time with foul smelling discharge coming from the nether regions. When the ER doc removed what was probably at one time a tampon, the woman exclaimed, "Look! A bogina nugget!!!" Huh?

    Does anybody else (and I know you do!) have any stories about wacky things patients believe or say that you could share?

    (I hope I am not offending anyone. I am not making fun of my patients, just having fun with my patients!)

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  2. 27 Comments

  3. by   JennieBSN
    Ahhh, if anyone gets offended, they need to dig the stick out of their 'nether regions.' I think it's a great post! Here's my story...

    One of my friends was getting her hair done, and her hair dresser asked what she did for a living. When she said, 'nurse,' the hairdresser naturally asked what area of nursing she specialized in. She said labor and delivery at xyz hospital, and the hairdresser proceeds to tell my friend, 'oh, I'll NEVER have a baby at THAT hospital again!!' 'The last time I had a baby, I called the ambulance 'cause I knew I wuz gonna deliver at home. I was crowning when I got there (per the EMT's judgement), and they took so dang long getting me checked in to a normal room, that by the time I got in it, I was only 3-4 centimeters and my labor took 13 more hours!!!' My friend was trying not to laugh...and of course, you can't argue with the woman, because in her mind, that's exactly WHAT happened, gospel truth. *sigh*

    Now, if anybody here asks me why that story is so hilarious, I'm gonna cry...

  4. by   Kaliko69
    Kday

    PLEASE DONT CRY! but.. was it funny because she wasn't "about to have the baby any second" and she thought she was? I really really do have a great sense of humor, and I am sure this is really funny but I wasnt sure .
    Paula
  5. by   Q.
    Oh...my...do I have some strange ones.

    Just tonight in fact.

    A patient who recently delivered vaginally puts on her call light and asks for her nurse. Her nurse is actually busy at the moment and so she asks me if I can pop in and see what she needs. I stick my head in and ask "can I help you with something?"

    The patient stares blankly at me for about 15 seconds. Then says "oh yeah, I was wondering...I feel like I need to go number 2."
    "Yes??" I prompt her.
    "Well," she replies, "Do you think I should go?"
    Needless to say I didn't answer her.

    Another patient of mine was in labor and it was time to do a vaginal exam. She had TONS of visitors, of course, and I asked if she wanted any of them to step out while I check her. Her reply?
    "Oh, no they don't mind seeing my monkey."

    Stranger yet, I've had patients wanting to name thier newborns Meconium and/or Vagina. How horrible.
  6. by   jamistlc
    Greetings All Nurses,

    This is not really what a pt said as what I observed an Student Nursing Assitant do! We were swampped and short staffed one night and being the super nurse I am I volunteered to pass all PO and scheduled meds, do all the TX's, and answer call lights. Leaving the Charge Nurse and 1 RN, to do the IV's and documentation for 30 pt's. The charge suggested if I fely comfortable doing it that I could precept the aid after he observed me do 2 catheter insertions.

    I thought that we would do a male first he did it with no problem then later that shift he could with me assisting (luckly in sterile gloves) do a female. I had choosen a quad. in a halo for him to do after observing me do another female just prior telling him to note the ureatha as it looks back at you (ha, ha). Soooooooo when we went to do the female pt he was to do, he did everything up to the piont of insertion correctly, I had to stop him though because he was rather forcfully trying to insert the catheter into the clitoris. I did not tell him till after we left the room what he did wrong but thank God! I had choosen a person who is in a halo and unable to feel what he was doing!

    In the third year of a BSN program and he could not tell the difference between the two anatomical landmarks? I must of had a moment of real insight thinking back at that incident!

    ------------------
    Visit my web site at <A HREF="http://www.geocities.com/4birthing" TARGET=_blank>http://www.geocities.com/4birthing
    </A>Have a Blessed and Peaceful Day,
    Jami
    DoulaNurse@hotmail.com
  7. by   JennieBSN
    Originally posted by Kaliko69:
    Kday

    PLEASE DONT CRY! but.. was it funny because she wasn't "about to have the baby any second" and she thought she was? I really really do have a great sense of humor, and I am sure this is really funny but I wasnt sure .
    Paula
    It's funny for 2 reasons: one, the EMT checked her and somehow got 'crowning' out of a cervix that was only like 3cms...when a pt. is crowning, the head is coming OUT and you don't HAVE to examine them...you SEE it. Two, there is no way, and I mean NO WAY you can go from 'crowning,' i.e., part of the head actually physically coming out of the vagina, to 3-4cms...you cannot 'shrink' from fully dilated and crowning to 3-4cms...it's just impossible!!

    So that's why it's hilarious. Both the EMT and patient were total morons!!

  8. by   Q.
    Originally posted by jamistlc:

    In the third year of a BSN program and he could not tell the difference between the two anatomical landmarks? I must of had a moment of real insight thinking back at that incident!

    In some defense of the NA and the BSN programs...I have been cathing women at least 3x a day for 3 years - and find that everyone's anatomy, especially that of a woman, is so different and sometimes difficult to discern - even for experienced nurses. Some people's urethra isn't exactly where you expect to be!
  9. by   OBNURSEHEATHER
    I know exactly what you're talking about Kday! As you probably know, being an OB nurse somehow makes you obligated to listen to every woman you meet detail their L&D experience. They usually always have part of it wrong or are telling you something completely off the wall, and you reach a point where it's useless to argue! All you can do is smile and say "Yes, I agree, you did have the most bizarre and complicated labor known to the female race!"

    My favorite wacky thing is always when a patient thinks she's supposed to actually INSERT the peri bottle! It's a RINSE lady, not a douche! UGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

    Heather
  10. by   canoehead
    Had a woman the other day that had her urethra about 1" inside the anterior wall of her vagina. Putting a finger in you could feel a small ridge, and luckily we had found the right spot.
  11. by   bigred
    Originally posted by st4304:
    Had a patient yesterday who was refusing to sign his consent for a pacemaker. His nurse called the cath lab (where I just happen to work) and asked if one of us could answer a few questions that he had.

    Sweetest, older gentlemen, 75 yrs old, big ears, skinny legs sticking out of his green gown, from the hills (and I mean HILLS!) of Indiana, looking at me very suspiciously. He wanted to know why we were not putting him to sleep to put in his pacemaker. Of course, being the professional I am, I began to state the risks involved with general anesthesia, how the procedure was relatively painless, etc. etc. He listens to my speech, and then says, "I guess I just thought if you were going to take a man's heart out, he just might like to be asleep when ya did."

    "Excuse me? Take your heart out?"

    "Well, ain't that pacemaker thang goin' to take the place of my heart?"

    Of course, after I explained to him that he would very much be keeping his very own heart, he was must more comfortable with just the local. He was a hoot! This is why I love rural nursing!

    A friend of mine in ER had a woman one time with foul smelling discharge coming from the nether regions. When the ER doc removed what was probably at one time a tampon, the woman exclaimed, "Look! A bogina nugget!!!" Huh?

    Does anybody else (and I know you do!) have any stories about wacky things patients believe or say that you could share?

    (I hope I am not offending anyone. I am not making fun of my patients, just having fun with my patients!)

    Well, I do have one for you that happened many moons ago. I work in nursing home. I asked a 92 year old lady after washing her "up yonder" if I could wash her where she sits. She was a tiny wee thing who put me to mind of Granny in the Beverly Hillbillies. She replied" Oh all right! But I don't understand you nurses taking up jobs to warsh people's assess.All you are is assess warshing assess".
  12. by   Msc
    &lt;&lt; YOU KNOW YOU'RE A NURSE IF...


    You believe every patient needs TLC: Thorazine, Lorazepam, and Compazine.

    You hope there's a special place in Hell for the inventor of the call light.

    Your bladder expands roughly to the same capacity as a Winnebago's water tank.

    You believe the gene pool could use a little chlorine.

    You see stress as a normal way of life.

    You have a tendency to laugh at your patients "big" problem.

    Your sense of humor seems more "warped" each year.

    You believe that saying "It can't get worse"....causes it to get worse just to show you it can.

    You have ever wolfed down a sandwich while emptying your bladder.

    You wash your hands BEFORE you go to the bathroom.

    You believe PIA (Pain in the ass) is an acceptable admitting diagnosis.

    You have ever referred to an intoxicated patient as a FORD (Found On Road
    Drunk).

    Not only does your watch tell time, but it has a pulse timer that will count
    in 5, 10, 15, 30, and 60 second intervals and will take your blood pressure.

    You have a recurring nightmare of being hit & run over by the portable X-ray
    machine.

    You've ever had a patient look you dead in the eye & say, "I don't know how
    that got stuck in there."

    You have ever had a patient say, "I'm not pregnant, I can't be pregnant! I
    can't be having a baby!"

    You say to yourself, "Great Veins!" when looking at complete strangers
    in the grocery store.

    You've ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level.

    You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac.

    You think the ER waiting room should have a Valium salt lick.

    You know it's a full moon without looking at the sky.

    You have ever had to deal with someone who thinks being constipated for
    4 hours is an emergency.

    &gt;&gt;
  13. by   Mijourney
    Hi. Early in my home health care career, I got the biggest kick from the comments of one of my clients on a visit to apply a condom catheter. All of the nurses in the agency I worked for were calling the condom catheter, Texas catheter at the time. What a mistake! After I got through discussing and describing the catheter and the application of it, he let me know that we weren't in Texas, and that he would appreciate if I could find a condom cath with the appropriate state name on it.

    I think both the patient and I said some wacky things at the time.
  14. by   TLynn
    A friend of my in-laws comes down periodically to visit. One day him , my father-in-law and my husbands uncle were sitting behind our shop talking of things they would like to have. One said they would like a car the other a house. The friend, who'd had multiple medical complications sat back and said, "I would like to have a Percocet the size of a 55 gal. drum and just lay down and knaw on it all day like a rat.

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